A New Kind of Christmas

There I was, sitting in the family room of my parent’s home on Christmas Eve, surrounded by my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, sister, nieces, and nephews, and I realized that something was drastically different this year. All week long, my mind had only been on squeezing the most out of my time with my family that I could. It hadn’t even dawned on me that I was different – but different I was. In fact, it was the first Christmas in my life for which I no longer cared about receiving a single gift. The meaning of Christmas had somehow changed for me and it wasn’t until that night, while opening my presents and watching the others in my family open theirs, that this realization actually sank in.

I remembered that it was just last year before the Christmas holiday that I was admitting to my partner how self-centered and selfish I had always felt around this time of year. I truly loved to give presents but it was equally important to me to receive them! And, my expectations were always so high, that I had never failed to be disappointed. It was a way of being, that I had, in which I was not proud of myself and desperately wanted to change but didn’t know how.

At this point, I should add that I had embarked on a journey of self-healing over this last year – actually beginning in mid-2009 – but picking up a quicker and more intentional pace beginning in January of 2010. I was traveling the country to study and learn different techniques of healing and was applying them both in practice on others as well as myself. One such technique that I learned and used extensively on myself and others was The LifeLine Technique. The LifeLine Technique focuses on emotions (from our past – emotions that we’ve denied, disconnected from, or repressed) as the root of physical and emotional ailments and discomforts. Using this technique, I was able to locate and interpret several issues such as repressed emotions and self-limiting beliefs that I had held, and release them so that they no longer affected my present or future outlook on life.

It must have been a result of this work that I did which led me to be able to transform in such a way that I didn’t even realize the transformation had occurred. After all, that is the way that transformation works. It’s not like changing a behavior where one has to consciously train himself to act or behave differently than he always has in the past. Instead, transformation changes one from the inside out so that when you act in relation to events, you are no longer reacting from a subconscious pattern of behavior that is meant to protect you. But instead, you are now simply acting out a part of you that you have always had inside of you, but that was suppressed due to reactive patterns that were in place.

As part of this journey of self-discovery and healing, I had also spent quite a bit of time focusing on how my expectations in life always let me down. And while I firmly believe in expecting good things to come my way, I was also wrestling with the idea of letting go of certain expectations that I seemed to continuously have of others. At the end of my internal struggle with this idea, I came to a place where I was able to continue having expectations of others (expectations like having integrity, keeping one’s word, etc.) and also able to let go of the same when I saw that my expectations were not met (or were not going to be met). In other words, I feel like I found a balance of a place where I could have expectations for the things in life that really mattered, not have them for those things that didn’t matter in the larger scope of life, and the ability to let go of expectations that I had when I saw they would not be met.

Learning to let go was probably the biggest challenge for me and yet the most rewarding one. Once I realized that I was always left in upset by not letting go of my unmet expectations, and knowing that I was committed to not living a life of upset, the solution became obvious – give up any unmet expectation(s), thereby allowing me freedom to not live in upset with others.

I suppose it was a combination of all of these things, and putting these learned-lessons into practice that has led me to be even more available to no longer have expectations for those things in life, which in the grand scope of things, really do not matter. Expecting nothing for Christmas was an added bonus for me and evidence of the hard work that I had put into transforming this area of my life.

Being able to enjoy my family-time at Christmas this year was the biggest blessing I could have had. Not only was I able to feel truly appreciative for what I did receive, but I was able to enjoy my family on a whole different level, and allow the true spirit of Christmas to show through me, and to be fully felt by me.

[End of Post]

Copyright ©2011.  All rights reserved.

Acceptance and the Art of Disappearance (Part 3 of 3)

Here we are on Monday and this is part three – the final section of this series of blogs related to agreement, disagreement, resistance, and acceptance.  As a recap, this all started last Wednesday when we were examining why inequality still exists in America today.  We found that the disagreement of a thing just as strongly binds that thing in reality as agreement does. Then, on Friday we began the inquiry of what we would need to do in order to no longer be participants in furthering negative thoughts and ideas in our world.  We examined the role of resistance and how it prevents us from transforming the things in our lives that aren’t working for us.  And, we ended with discovering that (while we couldn’t transform those things by stepping over them or going around them) we could transform situations by going directly through them.  And the avenue through which we have to go directly through a situation without changing it (because change = resistance, and resistance = persistence of a thing) is acceptance.

So, today we’re looking at acceptance of the things we’ve been resisting for the purpose of transforming those areas of our lives that are not working.  This is not for anyone who is satisfied with the way in which his life is going.  And, it’s not for the person who is faint of heart!  This is only for the individual who is ready to take control of his life, to transform non-working situations into working ones, and who is willing to take a hard, confronting look at his own self for the purpose of leaving behind those things that are not serving his highest purpose.

Following, I’ve listed the steps one needs to take in order to use the powerful tool of acceptance in order to allow for the disappearance of the limiting barriers from one’s life:

Firstly, pick the area of your life that you want to transform.

Next, you’ll need to take a hard look at what it is that’s not working.  Divorce yourself from the story of why it’s not working and separate out the facts of the situation.  To go through this process, you need to become disinterested in continuing to sell yourself the story you’ve been selling to everyone else.  You may have to become brutally honest to get to the basic truth.  Hint: Look for the area(s) where your complaint(s) lies and then look at your reasons.

Thirdly, pinpoint exactly what it is that you’ve been resisting.  Look for: what you’ve been angry about, what you’ve become complacent about, where you’ve been inflexible, what you’ve been trying to change, what you’re afraid of, what you’ve been trying to control or dominate, or where you’ve been in denial or become resigned.  Next, ask yourself why you’ve been resisting this thing.  List out each reason you have for your resistance.

Now, look at each reason, one by one, and ask yourself with each one: “Can I give up that concern?”

If you answer that you can, then ask yourself: “Will you give up that concern?”

Go through your list, until you’ve determined that you are both able, and willing, to give up each and every concern.

Lastly, after you’ve given up each concern, confirm your acceptance of the thing by saying, “I acknowledge that (say what you’ve been resisting).  I accept that (say what you’ve been resisting) and I accept it exactly as it is and exactly as it isn’t.  I no longer need to change it, control it, complain about it, fear it, or be in denial about it.  I allow it to exist with no further judgment from me.”

That’s it! Now look back at what you’ve accomplished.  You’ve determined to no longer resist what you had been resisting.  Instead of trying to change it, you’ve accepted it exactly as it is without trying to alter it.  And, now, you’re on the other side of it.  As you look back at the issue, you’ll see that it’s either disappeared completely or it’s still there in present form but it no longer holds any power over you.  In fact, you’ll find that you simply feel free of that thing – regardless of whether it still exists or not.

Since we sometimes learn best by example, I am sharing the following with you as an illustration of how one can put acceptance into immediate use in his or her own life (using the steps outlined above) and thereby allow for the disappearance of issues that are plaguing him or her:

Jill was a very busy advertising executive.  She was a very bright and attractive woman and was highly sought after because of her ability to constantly produce advertising campaigns that worked well for her clients’ product sales.  But there was something that was continuously holding Jill back in her personal, and sometimes in her professional, life.  It was her weight.  Jill wasn’t overly obese.  She weighed around 45 lbs. more than a person of her height should.  She said that she worked long and unpredictable hours which interfered with her ability to exercise on a regular basis.  She had been on several diets – some of which had provided temporary and limited weight loss – but most of which had not produced the results that she desired.  Those that had produced real results were so restrictive or limiting that Jill found it hard for her to stay on them.

While she seemed to have it together in her professional life, Jill’s personal life was another story.  Her weight-consciousness kept her from accepting invitations to go out on dates.  Since putting on the extra weight, Jill had to allow herself 30 extra minutes to get ready for work because she could never choose what she wanted to wear.   (She felt that everything she put on “made her look fat.”) Her self-esteem had been so badly damaged that Jill no longer went out of the house except to go to work or to see family.

Jill sought out help from a therapist in order to regain her lost self-esteem.  She said that she wanted to get past her “mental-blocks” that were preventing her from staying on a diet and exercise program.  Jill said she was ready to do the work necessary to lose the weight.

Since Jill had already identified the area of her life that she wanted to address, Jill’s therapist asked her to tell her all of the reasons she had for not accepting herself exactly as she was.  Jill’s list included: (1) not liking the way she looked, (2) not liking the way she felt, (3) being overweight wasn’t healthy, and (4) she felt that people treated her differently since she was overweight.

For each issue, Jill’s therapist asked her if she could give up her concerns about that issue.  For instance, for the first item on her list, she asked Jill, “Can you give up your concerns about how you look?”  When Jill decided that she could give them up, her therapist asked her if she would agree to give them up.  Jill answered affirmatively to each question.  When she had completely given up her concerns, Jill’s therapist asked her to repeat the following after her.  She said, “I acknowledge that I am overweight.  I accept that I am overweight and I accept my body exactly as it is and exactly as it isn’t.  I no longer need to change it, control it, complain about it, fear it, or be in denial about it.  I allow my body to exist with no further judgment from me.”

Suddenly, Jill’s eyes had a sparkle in them.  She told her therapist that she felt free from being overweight for the very first time.

Jill’s therapist then took her through two more exercises of the same type.   The first one focused on her complaint about exercising and why she couldn’t do it.  The second one was focused on her complaint about diets not working or being too difficult to follow.  After completing the three exercises, Jill said that for the first time in 10 years, she felt free to choose whether she wanted to exercise or not and she felt free to choose what she wanted to eat.  She stressed that she was now free from the burden of needing to exercise or avoid exercising in order to keep her complaint about her weight in place.  The same was true for dieting and eating.

Two months later in a follow-up session with her therapist, Jill had lost 10 lbs!  She said that she repeated her "new mantra" (about being overweight and accepting herself exactly as she was and exactly as she wasn’t) to herself every morning as she looked in the mirror and got dressed.  Jill said that the acceptance of herself and her weight was the single factor of her success.  She said that when she gave up resisting her weight, her weight ceased to exist as a problem for her.

She told her therapist that since she accepted herself as she was every day, it gave her the freedom to choose to exercise and to choose what to eat.  Finally, she was really free to choose to eat healthily or not.  She could freely choose to exercise or not and with that freedom she found that she made her choices based on what she really wanted and not based on old patterns of complaining about a problem that just wouldn’t go away.

A Question of Zen

In a book entitled, “Zen Without Zen Masters,” author Camen Benares provides some insights, questions, and Koans of Zen on which one may meditate.  I am sharing one of these insights (“Good News, Bad News”) here as follows:

                      Good News, Bad News
There’s good news tonight and bad news.  First, the bad news: there is no good news.  Now the good news: you don’t have to listen to the bad news.

After meditation upon this insight, the reader will see that he is getting news and he is only getting news.  There is no good news being delivered.  And, there is no bad news being delivered.  There is only news.  All the rest is what we’ve tacked on.

As you look newly at each issue in your life, allow yourself to see the issue for the simple facts of which it is comprised, without all of the story added.  After all, the story is made up of the stuff that we’ve each tacked on.  We get to say what is true for us.  And, we’re the only ones who get a say in the matter.

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Resistance Causes Persistence (Part 2 of 3)

LOL!  Yes, I’m laughing as I write this because I had no idea how my last blog was going to turn out.  Neither did I know what I was going to write in today’s blog!  But the funnier thing is that I’ve added in this opening paragraph after having written today’s blog.  I now see where I’m going (I can hear your sighs of relief) and realize that this must be part two of a three-part blog.  There was simply too much information to write in any single blog and these three blogs are broken down into their own central themes so that the overall information can be more easily absorbed.  That being said, I hope you have a blessed weekend and enjoy today’s blog.

In my last blog (“Why Does Inequality Exist?”), I left off in the inquiry of “how we, as individuals, can transform ourselves to operate so that we are not furthering (keeping in place) the conversations and realities of sexism, racism, hatred, bigotry, homophobia, etc.”  As a recap, in that blog I wrote about the Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang which are complementary opposites of a whole. I provided commentary from Wikipedia which read, “Yin–yang is not an actual substance or force, the way it might be conceived of in western terms.   Instead, it is a universal way of describing the interactions and interrelations of the natural forces that occur in the world.”  I devoted the blog to writing that the disagreement of a thing is actually as powerful a cause of that thing “living” in our reality as agreement is.  I wrote:

Consider that the more we disagree with something, the more real it becomes.   And, consider that disagreement actually holds agreement in place.  (Remember our mantra?. . . the theory of renowned Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung who stated that “what you resist, persists.”)  In fact, you may wish to consider that the primary function of disagreement is to create agreement.

So, since disagreement is just another form of resistance, I want us to take a broader look at the nature of resistance.  Firstly, let’s look at the definition of resistance.  The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines resistance as:

1a: an act or instance of resisting : opposition b: a means of resisting
2: the power or capacity to resist: as a: the inherent ability of an organism to resist harmful influences (as disease, toxic agents, or infection) b: the capacity of a species or strain of microorganism to survive exposure to a toxic agent (as a drug) formerly effective against it
3: an opposing or retarding force
4a: the opposition offered by a body or substance to the passage through it of a steady electric current b: a source of resistance
5: a psychological defense mechanism wherein a patient rejects, denies, or otherwise opposes the therapeutic efforts of a psychotherapist
6: often capitalized : an underground organization of a conquered or nearly conquered country engaging in sabotage and secret operations against occupation forces and collaborators

So, taking our queue from definition #3 above, for the purpose of this blog we’ll use the following as our definition of resistance: “the act of an individual using an opposing or retarding force against some one or some thing.”

Now, to better understand the nature of resistance, let’s take a look at other forms of resistance that we use.  (Some may even be methods or strategies we don’t normally think of as resistance but, nevertheless, they still are.)  Some forms of resistance are: boredom, anger, jealousy, inflexibility, rudeness, complacency, stubbornness, changing, complaining, bitterness, back-biting, gossiping, “being right” (about one’s own opinion), self-righteousness, indignity, fear, manipulation, controlling, dominating, denial, and becoming resigned about the situation.  Quite an interesting list, huh?  You may have been surprised by the inclusion of some of these ways of being I listed here.  If you’re still skeptical as to whether something belongs on the list or not, take a look at the definition of resistance we are using and see if you can find an example that might fit.  If it doesn’t fit, throw it out . . . you won’t hurt my feelings.

So, if we’re looking to get past something (but we know that resisting it won’t work except to cause it to continue on, or persist, in our lives) the only way we can get past that thing is through transformation.  This can be the transformation of yourself or transformation of that thing.  (Just remember, that if you’re going to control the outcome of your life, the only person you have control over is you.  So, it will be much easier to transform yourself than to wait for some situation outside of you to transform itself – if it ever does at all.)  Remember in my very first blog on this site (June ’09), I wrote that transformation is “giving up one form for another” as in “giving up being an orange for being an apple” and I used the example of a caterpillar giving up the only form it knows to become something completely different (a butterfly)?  Transformation isn’t the same as change because change always seeks to improve on what’s already there; it seeks to alter what’s already in existence.  In this case, transformation will provide us the opening to give up one way of being and to choose another.

You can’t get around it or over it or to the side of it because those are all forms of resistance.  So, transformation has to be present in order for one to directly impact the thing he is currently resisting.  Instead of trying to change the issue or side-step the problem, the only way to not resist the situation at hand is to go directly through it.  So how does one go through an issue he’s been resisting?  Simple. . . he does so by using the art of acceptance!

(If you remember, I’ve blogged about acceptance on here a few times.  If you haven’t read those blogs, just look over in the tag cloud on your right (the thing that has the orange words against the black background) and mouse over the tag cloud to get the labels to spin.  When you find the word “acceptance,” click on it and all of the blogs in which I’ve written about acceptance will appear on the same screen for you to read.  You may wish to read a few of these just to be sure you understand where I’m coming from when I write about acceptance.)

Check in here on Monday when I will post the final part of this three-part series.  I will be blogging about what acceptance is/isn’t and I will explain all of the benefits of acceptance from the standpoint of transforming any situation you have been resisting.  Until then, I wish you every good thing.

To Be Continued . . .

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Truth and Transformation Only Exist In Agreement

In my blog of July 31, 2009 (“Our Worlds Are Created By Our Words – Part II”) I explained that our worlds only exist in language.   If you haven’t had a chance to read it yet, please do so as it will provide the needed background for this blog’s topic.

And, once you understand that everything that exists, exists in language, you can get to the understanding that everything exists as simply a series of conversations.   We ourselves are simply a network of conversations.   Our doubts, our fears, our desires, our abilities, our memories, and our inadequacies all exist in language as conversations.   And while some conversations are never spoken out loud to others (they’re really just monologues or memories of conversations that are in our heads), in order to produce lasting transformations in our lives, we must first transform the conversations we have about those things that need to be transformed.

You see, living inside of our heads never produces anything.   It is only in communication that we accomplish anything.   Why?   Because all of life is simply a series of conversations.   Money is a conversation.   Sex is a conversation.   Work is a conversation.   These conversations do not always have to be words communicated between two people.   A “conversation” (in its simplest form) can simply take place in your head.   However, for us to influence anyone else, or, for anyone to influence us, the conversation must live outside of ourselves; outside of our heads.   In other words, the conversation must live in words spoken.   Ralph Waldo Emerson said it this way, “Conversation is a game of circles.”   If we don’t like the way our life is in the area of finances, we should look at the conversation we have concerning money.   How are we related to it?   What would be a more empowering context to choose so that we can shift the conversation from one of lack to one of abundance?

For a conversation to become transformed into a reality (or a belief-set), it must have agreement.   For example, the U.S. monetary system is simply a conversation that has agreement.   A one dollar bill, in and of itself, has no intrinsic value with the exception of the paper that it is printed on.   However, because we agree that it has value, and we have built a system of trading and bartering around our monetary system, the one dollar bill has implied value.   (Yes, Fort Knox exists and still holds gold that’s in place to “protect” the value of our dollar but the value of that gold was long ago exceeded by the amount of money printed and owed by the U.S. Federal Government.)   In that same vein, a one hundred dollar bill has no more value than a one dollar bill.   Yet, because we agree that it has a value that is one hundred times the value of a one dollar bill, it has greater value to us.   This is how we create our mutual reality – through agreement (also called “agreement reality”). 

If you offered someone on the street a choice between receiving a one dollar bill or a one hundred dollar bill, he would undoubtedly choose the one hundred dollar bill.   Again, if the value of the bill were only the true value of the paper that it is printed on, the person wouldn’t care which bill he received.   But, because he agrees that the one hundred dollar bill has more value than that of the one dollar bill, he will choose the bill of greater value (the one hundred dollar bill).  

This same concept is used for everything that we believe – regardless of whether that belief is in a material thing or a metaphysical thing.   On an atomic level, protons and neutrons didn’t exist until the scientific community “discovered” them and there was agreement that they are real things.   (That isn’t to say that they weren’t real prior to discovery or that they really didn’t exist.   However, we had no knowledge of them; and, consequently no agreement within conversation about the realness of them.   Therefore, to us, they did not exist.) 

An atom only exists because we say that it exists and we have agreement.   On a subatomic level, a quark only exists because of agreement.   Few people have ever seen a quark – we everyday laymen of science certainly don’t see them.  We can’t hear or touch a quark.   It is not something that can be believed in through our five senses.   Yet, there is agreement that a quark is a “real” thing; that it has certain characteristics, and that it is one of the smallest particles of an atom, making up protons and neutrons.

It’s much easier to understand this principle with metaphysical things than it is with material things.   Stay with me now.   A tree on a hill only exists because of agreement reality.   If others agree with me that there is a tree on a certain hill, then it is/becomes “real” and it exists.   If no one agrees with me that there is a tree on a certain hill, then that tree does not exist.   For dog to exist there must be agreement between me and others that dog exists.   That does not mean that there aren’t truths that exist without agreement.   They’re just not commonly agreed upon truths and therefore they are not part of our shared agreement reality.

So, why does agreement reality make a difference to you and me?   Because of the conversations we have about our lives.   If I’m stuck in a conversation about my finances that isn’t working for me; in other words, it leaves me disempowered, then I need to disrupt my conversation(s) about money and get into agreement with others about what my finances look like.   This is more important for you than for the others that are involved.   While the power of 2 or 3 people believing something the same as you is greater than that of just you thinking it, the benefit is really in your putting your conversation “out there” rather than just keeping it “in here” (in your head).   Getting agreement from others involves your speaking your word, out loud, and getting others to buy in to it.   In order to do this, you have to have a greater belief in what it is that you believe.

Notice that if you’re timid about your belief or you’re unsure of something, you have a lot of difficulty speaking it out loud to others.   You would much rather hold on to those thoughts until you’re sure of them before you commit them to being spoken to another.   But, if you truly want to transform an area of your life, you’re going to be in a much more powerful position to do so if you commit your transformation to the spoken word and share it with as many people as possible.   The more people that you share it with, the more real your transformation becomes for you.   Just as the more the number of people believing in anything causes, through agreement reality, that thing to become more real in people’s lives.

Sharing your new possibility for transformation in any area, is key to developing agreement reality with others, and to cementing your own transformation, not only in your beliefs, but in reality.

From Caterpillar to Butterfly

In order for the caterpillar to become a butterfly, it must first give up its form.  It cannot be attached to looking as it currently does and still transform.  I like to think of the difference between change and transformation as follows:

Change is “to make different in some aspect.”  Or, in other words, “to alter an existing thing.”

Transformation is “giving up one form for another (such as giving up being an orange for being an apple).”  Or, in other words, “to become something entirely different.”

Transformation can only occur when we give up being what we believe ourselves to be.

If we want to transform ourselves into loving human beings, we can do that…..but only after giving up “knowing” ourselves in our predispositioned way of being - - as beings of judgment.  If we give up being judgmental, we can become understanding, and by that avenue we can become loving individuals.