Are You More Like Your Mother or Father?

Today’s blog is based on the premise that we all have taken actions in our lives to be like, or not like, our parent(s).  This may immediately turn you off to the point that you no longer are interested in this article.  However, I would ask you to withhold judgment until after reading the full blog.  There just may be something in here that would resonate with you to a degree that will allow you to become more fully self-expressed.

Consider that at some point in your life, you made a decision that was something to the affect of: “I will not be like my mother.  She’s manipulative and controlling.” or “I’m going to be just like my mother when I grow up.  She’s self-assured and unafraid to stand up for herself.”  And those are just statements about your maternal parent!  The same thing happens with the father in a two-parent home.  A person will decide to be like his father, or not like his father.  Do you see the irony in this?

If you made a decision to be just like your mother, then your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by “being your mother.”  If you made a decision to not be like your mother, then your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by “not being your mother.”  I’m certain now that the irony wasn’t lost on you.  You can plainly see that regardless of which path you chose, your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by your mother.  I would never presuppose that all of your actions, words, or emotions are given to you by “being your mother” or by “not being your mother.”  There are a variety of other sources whom you may have copied along the way because you liked who you saw them being.

The same is true of your father.  You made a conscious decision (although it may be buried in the subconscious for some) to be “like your father” or to “not be like your father.”  Therefore, the personality of your adolescent and teen years were shaped and blended by you:
a) being your mother OR not being your mother
AND
b) being your father OR not being your father.
Isn’t that great news?!!?

Ok, I can hear imaginary groans from some readers at that last remark.  However, I do think it is good news and here’s why:

We human beings have the unique power to choose our attitudes, our emotions, our speech, our actions, and our personalities, just like we have the power to put on clothes.  I know that may sound simplistic but I use that analogy because it conveys an ease to it rather than struggle.  And our lives do not have to be about struggle!  Along our lives’ paths, we have picked personality traits that we saw and liked in others and we said to ourselves, “I’m going to be like that.”  Or, we saw personality traits in others that we had an extreme dislike for and we said, “I’m not going to be like that.”

Although we all came “pre-programmed” with a basic personality, we shaped and molded what we had been given to be the outward representation of who we are (and how we feel about ourselves) on the inside.  So why is that good news?  It’s good news because, if you chose to be a certain way, you can now choose to put aside that same way of being if it no longer works for you.  As we grow in knowledge and skills, we find that we no longer need to have certain ways of being that we previously chose for ourselves – possibly as coping mechanisms.  Regardless of the reason, once you see that you have a personality trait that isn’t producing the results that you desire in your life (or that’s getting in the way of you getting those results), you can choose to set that personality trait aside, just as easily as you initially chose to pick it up and put it on.

That’s not to say that you’ll never have to deal with that personality trait again.  We have learned patterns or ways of being that are deeply engrained.  Therefore, once we decide to make a change, it will take several days of working in the newly desired trait before it is engrained on top of the old one, essentially taking the previous trait's place.  So, until that happens, you have a choice in every situation where that old pattern starts to show up.  You can give way to the old trait or you can choose to only allow the new behavior.  Whatever you choose, know that it is your choice and your actions, behavior, and speech are not given to you by another – but they are only given by you.

Now that’s empowerment!

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

In This Life, All We Have is Our Word and Our Choice

I don’t mean that as if to say that those are the only two tools that we have to use in life.   But, what if they were?   Consider the possibility that your word and your ability to choose really are the only two tools that you have and every other tool you have at your disposal is simply a function of your word or your choice.

Consider that people only know you as who you say you are.   That should stop some of us in our tracks right there!   I can almost hear a simultaneous gasp from all of our self-deprecators as they think, “but if I don’t make fun of myself, someone else will and that hurts me worse.”   Certainly, poking fun at one’s self can be humorous and set others at ease.   But, if you lived your life as if people only knew you as who you say you are, I’m asserting that your self-deprecation would occur differently – both for you and for others.   The words themselves would be different. And others would respond differently.

In truth, we create the conditions into which we live, by our words and our choices.   We make choices every day and we fail to call them for what they are.   We like to tell others that we had no choice. Or, we say that this is my only choice.   But, that’s absolutely not true.   You can choose that which is before you, or you can simply not choose it.   In some eyes that would occur as not choosing at all, which is of course, in itself a choice.

However, the power at stake here is not simply found through some slight of hand with semantics.   The real power of choice that is available to you, is in you choosing powerfully what it is you desire.   And if there is only one choice, the real power is in choosing what there is to choose, or choosing to not choose.   In any of those paths, you will have chosen. You will have made the decision.   And because you chose powerfully, you are in control of the outcome of that choice.

This is a much more powerful place to stand – being in control of the outcome of the choice – rather than being at the effect of the given choice after not choosing.   If you do not choose, you will always find yourself at the effect of the un-chosen choice.   That’s not wrong.    And it will certainly get you sympathy and pity if that is what you are after.   It’s not that one way is right and the other wrong.   It is simply that choosing places you in a position to do something about the consequences of the choice.   If you never choose, you can never win because you will always be steamrolled by the consequences of not choosing!

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Our Choices Give us Power

How many times have you heard someone say (or, have you said), “S/he made me feel angry/upset/like I don’t matter!”?  Our humanity is thrown to always make another responsible for our feelings or what we get in life.  So, this may not be a popular thing to say, but the truth of the matter is: No one can ever make you feel any certain way.

You may now be thinking, “But when so-and-so said or did X, it made me feel Y.  I didn’t choose that.”  Yes, you did.  You choose the feeling you felt and you continue to choose it!

We need to understand that we are our own masters.  We choose where we go, what we do, the jobs at which we work, the people we talk to, the things we say, the feelings we feel, and the things we think in response to what others say.

We would like to make others responsible for all of these things and then we wouldn’t bear any responsibility in the matter.  Nor, would we be able to steer our own lives in the directions we want them to go.  In many ways, it’s much easier to sit back and just be at the affect of everything and everyone.  However, being at the affect of someone (or something) else isn’t a powerful place for us to stand.  Being at the affect of something actually removes all power from us.  If we don’t choose where we are or how we feel, then our feelings are given to us.  Acting out of a place of “no-choice”, gives us absolutely no power in the situation and no say-so as to the outcome.

“But,” you say, “I didn’t have a choice.”  Again, I’m going to assert that you did have a choice and that you always have a choice.  Let me demonstrate with an example from my life.

Doctors found in November 2007, that I had been born with a bicuspid aortic valve.  Simply put, I was born with two flaps on my valve instead of three.  At the same time, they found an aneurysm on my ascending aorta that was 9cm.  The aneurysm was life-threatening and would require a quick surgical response.  The valve, also, needed to be replaced as it was weakened and was allowing blood to flow back into my heart.  The choice I was given was to have open-heart surgery to replace the malformed valve and to repair the section of the aorta where the aneurysm was.  I chose to have the surgery. 

You might be thinking now that I had no choice in the situation.  I had every choice.  I could choose to have the surgery or I could choose to not have the surgery.  One might argue that surgery was my only choice if I wanted to live.  That may be true.  However, don’t get the likely outcome of a choice confused with the choice itself.

I chose to have a surgery where my ribcage was cut and then spread open, my heart and lungs were stopped and my body put on life support machines, my core body temperature was taken down to 15 degrees (F), and I had my valve replaced with a mechanical valve and the aneurysm repaired.  Any part of that surgery had a certain percentage chance of going wrong.  And I had some percent chance of dying on the table.

My choice to have surgery had nothing to do with the outcome of the surgery.  Arguing that I would have most likely died without the surgery is a valid argument.  Arguing that I could die during the surgery is also a valid argument.  It doesn’t matter in life if you only have one option given to you in a circumstance.  You still have a choice.  You can choose the option that is before you or you can not choose that option.  The choice is yours - - and it is a choice!  To have your life’s actions and feelings not be your choice is the most un-empowering position you could ever take.

If I live my life at the affect of others, I have no power.  I simply wait around for the next interaction so that my feelings can be given to me.  Once I have them, then I know how I feel!  On the other hand, if I choose how I’m going to feel, prior to any interaction with another, I am not swayed by the thoughts, emotions, or words of others.  Instead, I choose my own happiness.  I don’t have to wait for someone else to come along and give happiness to me.

I have a simple request with today’s blog:  Re-read this blog until the message sinks in.  Then, choose powerfully, to have what you have.  Don’t choose to be a victim and don’t choose to be at the affect of others.  Instead, make yourself responsible for choosing your own feelings and choosing your destiny.