Taking Offense

As you undoubtedly participate in this thing we call “being human”, you have had, during any given day or week, numerous chances to take offense at things that others have said or done. Others invade our space, say things to us that we believe to be inappropriate, and take actions in areas that we feel weren’t within their realm of authority. Others overlook us for certain tasks or we feel that they take advantage of our good natures in their requests of us. Others don’t esteem us highly enough or they don’t show the respect we think we deserve. The list of offenses goes on and on….

Why do you think it is that there seems to be an endless barrage of things that irritate us? When I find myself stuck in a situation, and I’m not sure what’s at the cause of a seemingly continuous pattern, one of the very first litmus tests I conduct is this: I ask myself, “What do each of these situations have in common?” This opens me up to be in the inquiry of the cause and allows me to be present to the possibility that anything could show up. (The reason this is important is because we often hide the truth from ourselves. Being fully present in the inquiry allows us to see what may be currently hidden from our sight.)

After asking yourself “what each of the situations has in common,” if you find that the common element is you, then you must be willing to look more deeply into why it is that you become offended so easily. While you continue in that inquiry, there are a series of questions you might ask yourself the next time you are offended. These questions are listed in the following paragraphs.

The next time you want to be offended/take offense at someone (and trust me, there will be a next time), I request that you stop and ask yourself this question, “Do I need to be offended?” Just asking yourself that question will allow you to be in the inquiry of whether or not you really need to be offended and for what purpose. This will allow you a freer platform to examine that which has happened and will allow you to determine whether it’s worth being upset or not.

I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t be offended. There are consequences to either choice. There is a great deal of energy that you will continually expend if you choose to continue in your upset. If you are able to give up being offended, you will find that peace and love are present for you and you will be able to engage your mind in things that might better serve you. You may feel at this point that you want to remain offended. If so, just be aware that whatever choice you make will have its consequences. The consequences may be negative or the consequences may be positive. But, there are always consequences to any of our actions.

If you find that there is the need to be offended, then I request that you stop and ask yourself this next question (phrased three different ways but with the same intent), “What will I get out of it? What will I get out of taking offense at this person? What will being offended provide to me?”

After you’ve been in that inquiry, if you find that being offended will provide you with the feelings that you want, and therefore you have chosen to be offended and you know what taking offense is going to provide for you, then I have a final request of you. (I have this same request for those who in their earlier inquiry of: “What does each situation have in common”, found that there is really only one person who continually offends them.)

For this last question, I am requesting that you sit down and take the time to really contemplate the answer. And ask yourself this question: “Do, I really want to continue in a relationship with this person?”

Now, that may sound harsh. But listen to what I’m saying. If you’ve already looked at the questions above, and you’ve decided that this offense cannot go by without some type of retaliation or vengeance or you carrying hurt in your heart, and you’ve already determined that having that retaliation / taking offense / being offended is really worth whatever it will cost you, then I’m asserting that you really need to examine who this person is for you and determine whether you really need (or want) him or her in your life.

To be continued in tomorrow’s blog: “Toxic People.”

Do You Want to be Right or Do You Want to Win?

In game play, we always seek to win. That is our objective. It doesn’t have to be that way. But most of us have been conditioned to try and win when we play. We develop strategies of how we can best our opponents and we try different strategies to determine what works best with each opponent and then we employ those strategies.

In life, though, many esteem something as higher than winning; and, that is to be right. Most don’t even realize there is a difference in the two. People who are stuck in this category often confuse winning with being right but the two are very different. In fact, they couldn’t be farther apart.

When a person is stuck here, being right is more important to him than most anything. There’s no concession made to consider that another’s view might be right. All that exists for that person is him being right. Maybe the individual is caught up with the avoidance of looking bad at all costs. If so, that could be one potential reason that he might always desire to be right.

But regardless of the cause, this person has collapsed being right with winning so that they occur for him as being one and the same. He will always argue his point to try and get the other person to concede his or her view. The art of strategy is always at play with this person as he learns what best works against other people, what buttons he can push, and what other arsenal he has at his disposal for aiding him in being right and winning. Unfortunately, those in this category will always esteem being right above winning and they will lose out on their desired outcomes much of the time as a cost of being right.

Before going any further, I want to examine the definitions of Winning and Being Right:

Winning – has you obtain your desired outcome.

Being Right – has you be right about your chosen position.

So, Being Right simply has you be right about your chosen position, but, you won’t necessarily obtain your desired outcome. If you always take the position of being right, you will most likely leave casualties in your wake. And repeated offenses of a person having to be right will result in the losses of: credibility, trust, confidence, favor, cooperation, and the admiration of others. Looking at that list, one can readily see how this position would end up costing the antagonist in the end.

What kind of difference do you think it would make for you if you were able to view life as a game? If we could simply view most of our lives as a game, we could reduce the significance that we place on everything (after all, we don’t physically die when we make a wrong move in a game). If we could approach life as a game and simply seek to win at the games we’re playing, we could all work together; we could actually help others to win the games they are playing and in return, receive help from others to win the games we are playing.

When one takes on winning his games in life, he will best be served by giving up having to be right. Being right only gets in the way of winning. And, being right is at the root of every argument.

I once heard a story about two men who were viewing the same mountain from two different sides of the mountain. Neither could see the mountain from the other’s vantage point. As the two met later to discuss the activity of the day, they came around to describing what the mountain looked like. However, the descriptions relayed by the two men didn’t match.

In the story, we don’t expect the two descriptions to match because we realize that mountains aren’t symmetrical – they don’t look the same from every vantage point. Unfortunately, in life, we sometimes get stuck in the thinking that every situation we encounter is symmetrical and every person who views it should see the same things. Life doesn’t work that way. We bring our own unique pasts to everything we view. We view things through filters. And, we always see what we’re looking for – and usually miss that for which we’re not looking.

Winning our games in life has us seeking to find the solution that will work to provide the outcome we desire without hurting others. This usually takes some finesse in working with others and ensuring that their needs (sometimes their needs are emotional) are met. Winning at our games almost always looks like helping others win at their games too.

Do you want to be right? Or, do you want to win? In game play, we always seek to win. But, in life, most of us seek to be right. There’s a huge difference in strategies. And, there’s a huge difference in the outcomes. For which outcome are you playing?