Creating an Enduring Relationship

During my Christmas vacation this past year, I was engaged in a conversation with my oldest niece. In the course of that conversation she informed me that she was not going to get married. When I asked why, she told me that it was because “fifty percent of all marriages (in America) end in divorce” and went on to explain that she had no interest in becoming part of the divorce-rate statistic. I shared with her my perspective that she could get married and not add to the divorce statistic. Implying that I didn’t understand her point-of-view, she asserted the significance of the statistics previously cited.

It may be of help for you to know that she and I entered this conversation with very different personal backgrounds. My parents have been married almost fifty years and remain happily together. But my niece’s parents divorced several years ago and she has been subject to, and a witness of, the pain, emotional turmoil, and heartache that this decision has had on her parents, her sister, and herself.

Since that original conversation, I’ve replayed it many times over in my head. And I’ve wondered how this (statistic) could be viewed differently and how I might be able to make a difference for her. Is there another, possibly more powerful, point-of-view from which we might view these astounding statistics?

Over this past weekend, I awoke to a thought that I now view as the answer to this question. And I believe that this concept holds a powerful perspective from which we can all learn so that we might make better choices in those we choose as significant others and even as friends. The thought to which I awakened was to “marry someone whom you don’t want to change.” The concept sounds simple enough and it’s certainly easy to say. But I believe that we all fall prey, at one time or another, to this hazardous, slippery-slope.

When I awoke with this thought, I began to think back over my partnership. Next month I will be celebrating my 13-year anniversary with my significant other. Most couples experience their first major difficulties around the two-year mark of being together. The first year or two of relationships are often referred to as “the honeymoon phase” because partners are generally still enchanted with one another during this time. However, around the two-year mark, partners generally begin to view each other from a more realistic point-of-view.

Behavior or habits once viewed as cute or entertaining, many times becomes annoying to us. We begin to start recommending “small” changes to the other and suggesting how he could better himself! Your girlfriend’s consistent behavior of being 15 minutes late is no longer viewed as her taking care of herself or wanting to look good for you. Instead, it now takes on new meaning, such as a lack of respect for you and your time or a lack of time-management skills. Your husband’s behavior of leaving his clothes wherever they fall when he removes them from his body may have once been viewed as carefree. Now, the same behavior becomes an anathema to you who likes to have a tidy home and feels the responsibility to clean up after him.

To borrow a popular American colloquial phrase, this is where the “rubber meets the road.” The hard work of a relationship only starts when you begin to see what you may view as flaws in your partner. After all, no one has a difficult time relating to another when the two are in total agreement. It’s only in discord, or in differing points-of-view that we find we need to walk in grace with one another. Only when we can find the grace to allow another to be who he is without requesting, or even desiring, that he change behaviors or habits will we find that we have the capacity to love another unconditionally. This is what it takes to stay together for “the long haul.”

Of course I’m not suggesting that anyone stay in a relationship where there is physical or emotional abuse or where another’s actions threaten our well-being in any way. However, outside of these types of circumstances, the ability to create a lasting relationship that works comes down to our individual abilities to accept another exactly as he is, and exactly as he isn’t. This requires that we adopt a new perspective for our relationships—one where we view nothing as missing or in disrepair.

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Copyright ©2011.  All rights reserved.

Part II: Obtaining Your Goals (Meeting Your Resolutions)

In last week’s blog, I wrote about obtaining your goals/meeting your resolutions by putting structures in place to support you in the areas where you find yourself to be weakest in respect to will power and motivation. In this week’s blog, I’m continuing to write about obtaining your goals, but doing so by applying another method, reframing, on top of the structures you’ve already put in place.

The idea of reframing is not new to many. In fact, it’s used quite a bit by psychologists, therapists, and those who practice neuro-linguistic programming. And, the concept of reframing is simple enough for anyone to use in everyday life. Here, of course, I will be writing about using it for the purpose of obtaining your goals.

The simplest way to break down the concept of reframing is to look at it as “putting a new spin on a familiar concept.” We automatically reframe certain things in our lives – like changing our concept about someone whom we thought we would not like and then coming to find out that we have a lot in common with that individual. When we have the new realization, we naturally place that individual into a different category in our minds – a category that includes people we like. As we grow up, many of us reframe ideas about the foods we like and dislike, altering our perceptions to coincide with the altering of our tastebuds. So, the process of reframing is not new to any of us, and in fact, is used by all of us – albeit not always as a conscious act.

However, you can utilize this process consciously to help in obtaining your goals. For example, if you were working on developing a new habit of exercising every day, at some point (or at several points), you might be tempted to not go to the gym and your mind may automatically begin to think about all of the things you’re giving up in order to workout. You may think about how nice it would be to just be able to sit and relax in front of the T.V., to sit down and read a good book, or even to be able to run errands during that time rather than losing your personal down-time. This is where you can use reframing to your advantage. To reframe this, you can simply turn your thinking around to look at what you’re gaining instead of what you’re giving up.

When you think about all of the things you’re giving up, you’re fighting an up-hill mental battle that’s going to be difficult for you to win. Giving in to that mentality for even one day isn’t an option when you’re creating a new habit. You must be successful for 21-30 days consecutively in order to instill your new habit. Therefore, you need to change your thinking, choosing to concentrate your thoughts on what you are achieving, or what you’ll obtain, by continuing to exercise. Look at what you’ve visualized as the end-result of you obtaining that goal, whether it’s a healthier body, a slimmer body, or a body that’s capable of doing more than it has in the past.

Instill in yourself the habit of thinking about your goal, or its benefits, first thing in the morning before you get out of bed. And instill the same habit as the last thing you think about at night before you go to bed. Reward yourself, mentally, each night by complementing yourself for achieving your goal that day and adding another successful day to your new habit. Before long, with the proper structures in place and a bit of reframing to remind yourself of what you’re getting vs. what you’re giving up, you’ll find that you’ve successfully instilled, as a habit, your new resolution.

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Copyright ©2011.  All rights reserved.

Part I: Obtaining Your Goals (Meeting Your Resolutions)

As we are now over midway into the first month of the new year, I suspect that many who made New Year’s Resolutions have already been tempted to give up on their goals at least once or twice. It’s no easy task to form a new habit – especially one that requires work and dedication. Because of this, I’m writing this two-part blog about reaching your goals. These blogs apply to any goal that one sets – not just New Year’s Resolutions.

Researchers tell us that forming a new habit takes daily implementation of that practice for a period of 15 – 21 days while some believe that more lasting results are the result of a 28-day repetition of that new practice. Whatever the true number is for you, I think it’s safe to say that in order to succeed in repeating a new behavior daily for 15 – 28 days takes much more than just pure will power!

Most of us are driven to our goals because of our own desires for change – whether that’s related to a specific trait or characteristic we want to develop or the result of being fed-up with the way our lives or bodies look. Regardless of the reason(s) we want to change, it’s not a lack of discipline which ultimately determines whether or not we reach our objective of creating a new habit or behavior. Instead, I’d like for you to consider that your success or failure is ultimately the result of the structures that you put in place to support your new habit. And, the lack of structures, or lack of adequate structures, is was precipitates not achieving that goal.

So, what is a structure? A structure is anything (e.g. process, system, support person) that you put in place in order to help you achieve your goals. People who succeed in their endeavors aren’t simply stronger-willed than you or even more dedicated or ambitious. People who succeed are those who have learned their limitations and are honest with themselves when it comes to knowing what they will or won’t do of their own accord. Successful people look at the areas in which they are weak and put support structures in place in order to aid them in overcoming those areas of weakness.

As an example, let’s say that you’ve decided to change your nutrition program. And, the parts of that change that will be difficult for you are: (1) giving up sweets, (2) not eating processed foods, and (3) eating every two hours of your waking day. In order to support your goal, your structures should be put in place prior to the first day of your new routine. Some of the support structures that you could put in place might be: (1) going through your kitchen and giving away (or getting rid of) all foods that have sugar in them, any sweeteners, and any processed foods, (2) talking to those who live with you (or are closest to you) about your goal, why you want to achieve it, and making a request of them to ask you specific questions or use specific wording to support you when you are feeling weak and wanting to give in or quit, & (3) adding reminders to your calendar to eat at your specific 2-hour intervals of every day. You may even find that to ultimately be successful you need to prepare your foods a day in advance or even on the weekends in advance of the week.

Ultimately, finding the structures that will support you through the areas in which you know yourself to be weakest will be the foremost thing you can do to ensure success for your new behavior. And to accomplish the act of getting the appropriate structures in place, you must begin with being honest about what you will or will not do on your own. Honestly take a look at the areas where you feel weak. Also, take a look at what has caused you to fail to obtain goals in your past. Then put structures in place around these areas in order to support you for the first 30 days of your new routine. After that, your structures may be altered or dropped altogether, depending on how well you are doing at that time.

Next week, I’ll be posting Part II of obtaining your goals. But don’t wait until then to re-establish your broken resolutions. Support structures will carry you through the majority of any issues that you will face in achieving your new habit or behavior. So be brave and resolute in seeing your newly desired habit reinstated. In the wise words of Mary Pickford, “…this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.”

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Copyright ©2011.  All rights reserved.

A New Kind of Christmas

There I was, sitting in the family room of my parent’s home on Christmas Eve, surrounded by my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, sister, nieces, and nephews, and I realized that something was drastically different this year. All week long, my mind had only been on squeezing the most out of my time with my family that I could. It hadn’t even dawned on me that I was different – but different I was. In fact, it was the first Christmas in my life for which I no longer cared about receiving a single gift. The meaning of Christmas had somehow changed for me and it wasn’t until that night, while opening my presents and watching the others in my family open theirs, that this realization actually sank in.

I remembered that it was just last year before the Christmas holiday that I was admitting to my partner how self-centered and selfish I had always felt around this time of year. I truly loved to give presents but it was equally important to me to receive them! And, my expectations were always so high, that I had never failed to be disappointed. It was a way of being, that I had, in which I was not proud of myself and desperately wanted to change but didn’t know how.

At this point, I should add that I had embarked on a journey of self-healing over this last year – actually beginning in mid-2009 – but picking up a quicker and more intentional pace beginning in January of 2010. I was traveling the country to study and learn different techniques of healing and was applying them both in practice on others as well as myself. One such technique that I learned and used extensively on myself and others was The LifeLine Technique. The LifeLine Technique focuses on emotions (from our past – emotions that we’ve denied, disconnected from, or repressed) as the root of physical and emotional ailments and discomforts. Using this technique, I was able to locate and interpret several issues such as repressed emotions and self-limiting beliefs that I had held, and release them so that they no longer affected my present or future outlook on life.

It must have been a result of this work that I did which led me to be able to transform in such a way that I didn’t even realize the transformation had occurred. After all, that is the way that transformation works. It’s not like changing a behavior where one has to consciously train himself to act or behave differently than he always has in the past. Instead, transformation changes one from the inside out so that when you act in relation to events, you are no longer reacting from a subconscious pattern of behavior that is meant to protect you. But instead, you are now simply acting out a part of you that you have always had inside of you, but that was suppressed due to reactive patterns that were in place.

As part of this journey of self-discovery and healing, I had also spent quite a bit of time focusing on how my expectations in life always let me down. And while I firmly believe in expecting good things to come my way, I was also wrestling with the idea of letting go of certain expectations that I seemed to continuously have of others. At the end of my internal struggle with this idea, I came to a place where I was able to continue having expectations of others (expectations like having integrity, keeping one’s word, etc.) and also able to let go of the same when I saw that my expectations were not met (or were not going to be met). In other words, I feel like I found a balance of a place where I could have expectations for the things in life that really mattered, not have them for those things that didn’t matter in the larger scope of life, and the ability to let go of expectations that I had when I saw they would not be met.

Learning to let go was probably the biggest challenge for me and yet the most rewarding one. Once I realized that I was always left in upset by not letting go of my unmet expectations, and knowing that I was committed to not living a life of upset, the solution became obvious – give up any unmet expectation(s), thereby allowing me freedom to not live in upset with others.

I suppose it was a combination of all of these things, and putting these learned-lessons into practice that has led me to be even more available to no longer have expectations for those things in life, which in the grand scope of things, really do not matter. Expecting nothing for Christmas was an added bonus for me and evidence of the hard work that I had put into transforming this area of my life.

Being able to enjoy my family-time at Christmas this year was the biggest blessing I could have had. Not only was I able to feel truly appreciative for what I did receive, but I was able to enjoy my family on a whole different level, and allow the true spirit of Christmas to show through me, and to be fully felt by me.

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Copyright ©2011.  All rights reserved.

Mastering The Game of Life

One of my favorite authors and teachers, Dr. Darren R. Weissman, included in his first book, The Power of Infinite Love & Gratitude, what he has called the 9 Rules to Mastering the Game of Life. Following, I share these 9 Rules to Mastering the Game of Life along with a direct quote of Dr. Weissman’s from each. If you enjoy these and would like to learn more, please check out Dr. Weissman’s website and/or "like" his Facebook page where he has housed videos related to each of these 9 Rules.

Rule #1: The Universe Is Infinite

Here, Dr. Weissman writes, “This view is magnified infinitely by the core truth that you’re a spiritual being having a human-being experience. By be-ing, you experience the infinite essence and wonder of life."

Rule #2: You have free will; a choice with every experience.

“The act of 'being' is a choice to stay connected to the moment, no matter how difficult it may be. This is living in Present Time Consciousness. When you practice this, you awaken to the stream of consciousness and flow of thoughts that are always present within your mind.”

Rule #3: Everything is interconnected. For every choice that you make, there will be a consequence.

Dr. Weissman writes, “The LifeLine Law of Transformation and Creation states: ‘Emotions transform energy; energy creates movement; movement is change; and changes is the essence of life.’ As a result of change, you experience life.” He also writes, “It’s by taking responsibility for your choices that you experience the flow of life and the greatest opportunities for growth.”

Rule #4: Judgment is prohibited.

“Judgment is the lack of Present Time Consciousness (PTC). It’s a reaction based on preconceived notions about a person, race, religion, gender, nationality, and so forth. Living in PTC – embracing your intuition, feelings, and beliefs, facilitates your ability to transcend judgment and make the best choices.”

Rule #5: The greatest power is self-love.

“Unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go are essential to unleashing the infinite power of self-love.” “Self-love is the process of self-discovery – acknowledging, honoring, and releasing the parts of yourself that you’ve subconsciously internalized, denied, and disconnected from.”
“The greatest adversary to self-love is fear. Resisting change because you’re afraid of losing your identity keeps this emotion alive.”

Rule #6: You’ll experience pain, fear, and challenges.

“Throughout history, the greatest accomjplishments have been achieved through determination, persistence, blood, sweat, and tears. Everyone experiences pain, fear, and challenges. It’s the choices you make when faced with difficult situations that empower you to transform them into an opportunity for growth. Embracing this rule is vital to living a life without judgment.”

Rule #7: Embrace life with the attitude of gratitude.

“The attitude that you have toward any experience is a choice. You can always view the cup as being half full or half empty, but the most courageous way to move through life is by choosing to find the good in every instant. Rather than surrendering to emotions of negativity and despair, consciously and creatively embrace life with the attitude of gratitude.”

Rule #8: Take responsibility for your life.

“…symptoms or challenges are your life’s way of telling you to take responsibility.”
“Taking responsibility means that you’ll make the choice to maintain Present Time Consciousness, despite the circumstances. It signifies that you won’t judge the consequences of your choices, but rather learn from them. By opting to take responsibility for your life, you’ll be inclined to embrace your experiences with the attitude of gratitude.”

Rule #9: Life has meaning.

“Turn on the news and you’ll hear about war, genocide, political upheaval, scandals, poverty, starvation, racism, pollution…” “Can you imagine if life didn’t have meaning and all these crises were occurring just ‘because’? This is our wake-up call! Life is painful, yet there’s value in pain. Life is scary, yet there’s meaning in fear. Life is challenging, yet every challenge is an opportunity. We need to ask the question Why? and be willing to hear the answer.”

If you’ve enjoyed these brief excerpts of Dr. Weissman’s “Mastering The Game of Life,” I encourage you to fully read his books, “The Power of Infinite Love & Gratitude” and “Awakening to the Secret Code of Your Mind.”
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Copyright ©2010.  All rights reserved.

My OWN Talk Show

I'm requesting your help in getting me selected as a finalist for Oprah's "My OWN Talk Show" reality contest.  Click on the following link to see my video submission for my talk show idea and to vote for me:  My Video Submission / Vote. 

You can vote more than once.  I'm requesting that you vote at least once for me every day until the contest is over.  The contest ends on July 3rd.  Since I just submitted my video, I have little time to obtain votes.

I would sincerely appreciate you telling others about my request and asking them to vote for me as well.  You can also link to my voting page via Facebook by clicking on this link.  By clicking on the "Suggest To Friends" link under my picture, you can send this request to your friends on Facebook.  You can also click on the "Like It" link in order to link to the page on your wall.

Thank you for your help in making a dream of mine come true. 

Peace and Blessings.

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Copyright ©2010.  All rights reserved.

Evaluating our Actions Based on Goals

As you can see, I haven’t been very effective at keeping my blogs up-to-date in the last few months. But since I turned another year older today, I felt it a great reason to log on and blog. I am now celebrating my 40th year on this great planet of ours and I feel freer, healthier, and happier than I have ever been in my life. And I believe that each year will only get that much better for me.

Now I don’t normally make New Year’s Resolutions. I have nothing against them. They’re just not my personal style. I’m not saying that I never have nor ever will. But at this point in my life they just don’t do it for me. However, I am continuously re-evaluating my life and creating intentions for where I want to be in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, and 10 years. I do this periodically as well as just checking in with myself from time-to-time to see what’s missing in my life, what I would like more of, what I would like less of…like that.

It’s a kind of, checking my course type of thing - in the same way that the captains of ships and pilots of planes need to periodically re-evaluate their headings to determine if they are still on course or if adjustments need to be made. If we wait too long to re-evaluate our direction, and we find that we have veered off course, the adjustments we have to make end up being bigger ones that are more time-consuming and require more effort. Smaller adjustments are easier and less invasive.

But regardless of when you have made resolutions, or set intentions or goals for your life, there is a really simple method we can use to re-evaluate where we are in life and to determine if we’re on course. This is a simple exercise that requires a pen or pencil and a piece of paper. But I promise you it will be worth the whole 3 minutes of time invested for you to do this exercise. My guarantee is that this exercise may be very eye-opening for you but only if you do it as designed. If you just read through the exercise and try to do it in your mind, I can positively guarantee that you will not get the same value out of the exercise. So, are you ready?

     1. Make a list of the things that consume the majority of your time.

     2. Next, make a list of the things which you are committed to pursuing (in the present) for your life.

     3. Finally, make a list of the things to which you really are committed. Consider that if being committed were a function of how we give of ourselves in time and money, to what things are your time &  money being given? These things, then, represent that to which you are really committed.

After completing the above exercise, look over your answers. Do the items in your 3rd list look the same as those in your 2nd list? Do the items in your 1st list prohibit you from working towards things listed in your 2nd list?

Are there things you listed in step 1 that you want to alter or altogether stop? Are there things you listed in step 3 that you want to alter or discontinue?

If there were a lot of variances for you (and many times there are), don’t make it an opportunity to get down on yourself. The opportunity here is to look at your relationship to commitment.
Do you esteem your commitments as worthy of pursuit? Do you seem to continuously experience difficulty following through on your commitments?

Now, look over the items you listed in step 3 again. Are there any things on there that have a particular hold on you? Maybe you want to not spend so much time or money in an area listed there but you find that you continue doing it over and over again.

If you were to consider the definition of addiction as “having the need for anything outside of yourself to make you feel whole or complete,” would you consider any of the items you listed on step 3 to be addictions? As humans, we’re very good at having addictions in all sorts of areas. Of course we hear about people who are addicted to alcohol, nicotine, drugs, or even sex. But what we really don’t talk about is that there are so many other addictions less graphic in nature. For instance, you could be addicted to shoplifting, addicted to watching television, or addicted to needing a boyfriend/girlfriend. These three addictions are no different from any other classification of addiction. Every addiction is initially driven by a closely-related unmet need within yourself. Looking for something, or someone, outside of yourself to give you a sense of meaning and fulfillment will always fall short of providing you what you desire. This is because your ultimate desire is to be at one with yourself – to be at peace. The idea of atonement is the concept of being at one-ment. External things used to try and fill these unmet needs will always fall short and will always reappear – either in the same form or possibly with a new pattern of addiction.

Take this opportunity as a stepping stone to recommit to what’s important to you. Use this opportunity to discontinue engaging in activities that take you away from achieving those things to which you are committed and to use that time, energy, and money towards what it is you want to accomplish in life.

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Copyright ©2010.  All rights reserved.

Invictus

I am currently on holiday, visiting my family in Missouri.  I will not be returning to my home, nor do I plan on writing a subsequent blog until after the Christmas holiday.  With that said, I wish you all a very, merry Christmas shared with, and surrounded by those you love.

Earlier today, I went with my dad and mom to see the movie “Invictus,” directed by Clint Eastwood and staring Morgan Freeman in the role of Nelson Mandela.  [This is not a movie-spoiler.]  Although I knew the movie tied the leadership of Mandela to the success of the South African National rugby team, I was unaware of the movie’s

awe-inspiring portrayal of the power of forgiveness under the example of Mandela.

The movie begins with the release of Mandela from prison and the fall of apartheid in South Africa and then quickly segues to ultimately portray Mandela’s life during his term as president when he campaigned to host the 1995 Rugby World Cup event as an opportunity to unite his countrymen.  The movie beautifully and eloquently displays the powerful tool that forgiveness became in the ability of one man to unite an entire nation.

In the movie, Mandela offers to the captain of the rugby team (played by Matt Damon) a handwritten copy of the poem ("Invictus") that he accredited for sustaining him and causing him to prevail even when he was at his lowest points during his 27 years of imprisonment.  Below, I offer a copy of this poem.

As background, the poet, William Ernest Henley, at the age of 12 became victim to tuberculosis of the bone.  The title of the poem, “Invictus,” is a Latin word which translates to mean "unconquerable” or “undefeated."  Henley penned this poem in 1875 from his hospital bed after having his leg amputated as a result of his condition.  This poem was first published in 1888 in Henley's Book of Verses, where it was the fourth in a series of poems originally entitled “Life and Death (Echoes).”

               Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
     Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
     For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
     I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
     My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
     Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
     Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
     How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
     I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley (1849 - 1903)

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Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Selfishness and Giving

On an airplane a few weeks back, I was sharing with my partner about how much I loved my family’s Christmas traditions – the getting together, the reading of the Christmas story, all of the playful hijinks, and always, always, always the discovery of who will now hold the honor of receiving a rather sadly-made version of Mary & Joseph that has been passed around within our extended family for something like 15 years now

(along with the more recent addition of their accompanying “travel diary”).  But I think I may have surprised him when I also told him about my selfishness and why Christmas had, in years past, been somewhat of a let-down for me because of my expectations around gift giving (or to be more precise, gift receiving).

Don’t get me wrong – I love to give to others.  I love to give my time, my support, my money, and unexpected gifts as an expression of my love.  For the better part of my life I’ve been a giver and I’ve learned that giving does return a joy to me that surpasses other joys I’ve known.  But being a giver has never changed the fact that I am also selfish!

In many ways, I think that being selfish has served me well in life, allowing me to see that if I don’t first ensure that my “cup is full,” I will have nothing left to give to others.  I can’t take care of another if I can’t first take care of myself.  If I’m not ensuring my own mental and emotional stability, how am I to help another in need?  In that vein, I believe that being selfish is something that more people should learn.  Not a selfishness that just takes – but a selfishness that takes care of one’s own needs first.

In reflecting on the upset I felt related to gift-receiving, or lack thereof, I realized that a very simple shift in my expectations could make a world of difference for me and transform my upset into complete joy.  In the past, when it came time to open my presents, I was focused on the number of presents I received.  I was also focused on the gifts themselves and not on the hearts of those who had given to me.  This could have possibly been due to the obligatory nature that I felt events such as Christmas and birthdays represented for me.  Those had both come to represent times in which I felt a need to give out of obligation rather than giving solely out of my love for another.

My shift in view was simply to choose to give to others out of my heart’s desire to bless them.  Coupling that view-point with choosing to expect nothing from anyone, I realized that anything I received would be a welcomed sign of love and affection on the part of any who gave.

Armed with my new points-of-view, I am now ready for Christmas – one filled with the love and joy of being with my family and friends whom I adore.

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Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Celebrating Our Heroes and Other Stories of Success

While visiting at the Thanksgiving table last night after dinner, the subject of the Great Depression arose.  A few attendees had been alive during that era and gave some of their accounts of what times where like back then.  One comment struck me in particular.  The individual was speaking of the hardships faced by people then and the strength – both physically and that of character that it required for many (or, arguably most) to survive those times.

Then, before retiring to bed last night I watched NBC’s “People of the Year” with Matt Lauer.  I was moved by the very first interview with Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger who piloted the US Airways “Miracle on the Hudson”

landing that saved the lives of everyone on board.  I listened to how he said his life had changed and how he had become more secure in his own skin.

I then listened to the interview with Captain Richard Phillips whose boat had come under attack by pirates off the rugged Horn of Africa.  Captain Phillips ended up being kidnapped by the pirates but was credited with saving his boat and the lives of his crew.  The U.S. military came to his aid and freed him to return home.

I was moved by both of these stories and I suddenly realized why we love to hear the stories of heroes and why we love to hear the stories of those, like Susan Boyle and Taylor Swift, who have brought us so much joy with their music and whose dreams have come true for them.  We love to hear these stories because they represent the human spirit and of what we are capable.  They represent the resiliency of the human spirit and stand as testament to the abilities that we all have within.

The thrust we have to survive, the strength and courage that shine through when necessary, and the drive to succeed and prevail – achieving our dreams, celebrate that of which we are all capable.  These stories represent what’s possible for anyone who has a dream to achieve.  They represent the pinnacle of the human spirit – a drive to always succeed, a steadfastness in times of trouble, and an enduring hope that our circumstances will only get better.

It matters not if your aspirations are considered big or small.  They all live in the realm of the possible if you dare to keep them in your heart and dreams.  I believe in a God who is for us all, who wants us to succeed, and who gives to us every good thing, withholding nothing.  And, I continually see the evidence for this when I look at my life and the lives of others.  There is no thing that is out of our reach or that is too big for any of us to handle.

[end of post]

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

A Thanksgiving Full of Thankfulness

It’s become many family’s tradition to have each person sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table tell everyone in attendance for what they are grateful.  My family, too, honors this tradition although I’ve not had the privilege of spending Thanksgiving with them for many years.

In my younger years I, of course, had little regard for this tradition.  As a child, when food was set before me I was ready to eat!  Now my understanding of this practice gives me a much greater appreciation for its value in my life and in the lives of others.

The good folks at the Institute of HeartMath® have been working for many years to understand the power of emotion contained within the heart, the heart/brain entrainment, and the physiological ramifications of the heart’s emotional content.  As part of their findings, they’ve been able to produce conclusive evidence that we can shift ourselves from the feelings of stress and other negative feelings/emotions entirely by getting into our “heart space” and operating from one of the following four places for a period of three minutes: (1) Love (2) Appreciation (3) Gratitude OR (4) Compassion.  Getting into this space provides a shift in our being, no matter the circumstances surrounding our lives currently.  But this is no easy task – I assure you!  I’m able to easily produce these feelings for 30-45 seconds but my attention starts to wane or I begin to feel like I’ve exhausted my list of things for which I’m grateful.

One of the great things about this exercise is that it causes you to dig deep.  You’ll quickly run out of the surface things within the first minute.  The remainder or time causes you to really examine what you love, what you’re appreciative of, what you’re grateful for, or where in your life you have compassion.

To shift your being, you don’t need to pick one of the above items only.  You can move down into your heart and begin to exercise all four of the above feelings – you just need to stay in one or a combination of the four attributes for a period of three minutes in order to shift who you are being in the moment.

This technology is so effective that it’s now being used by major corporations to train their managers how to make effective decisions.  Rather than a manager going to a meeting where he is expected to make a decision just after having received a phone call or e-mail with negative considerations about that thing, these managers are learning to make decisions based on their hearts rather than their heads – and it’s having outstanding success.

I employ this technology when I get a phone call from someone who is having a stressful day or is feeling overwhelmed by what they have to do.  I simply ask them to tell me for what they are grateful.  They begin to tell me and when the finish, I ask them to tell me for what else they are grateful.  I continue this line of questioning, either with the same attribute or a combination of any/all of the above four attributes until I’ve helped that person get into his/her heart and produce love-filled emotion for three minutes.  Most people don’t even recognize that this is what I’m doing.  They simply know that they feel entirely better after that conversation and they are free of stress and clear of mind to take whatever their next steps are.

I’m providing this link to the “De-Stress Kit for the Changing Times” as posted on the HeartMath® website.  Give yourself the gift of reading this thirteen-page article today.  It will be the best preparation you could give yourself for this Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season.  With this preparation, you’ll be aptly prepared to face whatever stress might come your way.

Happy Thanksgiving!  May you be blessed with the gifts of thankfulness and gratitude for that which you have.

[End of Post]

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

The Art of Letting Go

Recently, I was at a seminar where I heard the speaker make a startling statement. He was speaking about the polarity of all things (i.e. good/bad, right/wrong, light/dark and so on) and he mentioned that when we are intent about anything, we also intend that thing’s opposite.  While this statement wasn’t entirely new to me (reference my blog entitled “Why Inequality Exists”), the impact of this concept’s ramifications had a newly profound effect on how I now see everything.

According to the speaker, one cannot ask for something or want for something without noticing that what he wants or asks for is missing.  So when we’re focusing our intention towards something, on some level we are also continually noticing that thing is not present in our lives.  Because of this, we’re giving energy to both things – the having and the not having!

To look from another perspective, think back to when you were a child and think of a time when you got something you had really been wanting for a long time – something you wanted really badly.  You asked your parents for it.  You asked Santa for it.  You asked God for it.  And, you continued to want that thing until you finally got it.  When you got that thing, you immediately expressed gratitude for that thing and went off to play with it or use it.  And, then, if you were like most kids, it seemed like you immediately began to focus on something else that you wanted.  In fact, that may even describe you in the present.  I know that is certainly how life shows up for me.

Looking back at that analogy, what was the first thing you did when you received that which you wanted?  You stopped wanting that thing!  You no longer wanted it because you now possessed it.  And, then you expressed gratitude for having it in your life.

As grown ups, when we focus our attention on what we want in our lives, we do give energy to that thing.  But, we are also giving energy to having the absence of that thing.  If we really believed that we received that for which we asked at the time in which we asked, we would have no need to continually focus our attention on the wanting of that thing.  Just like the child who receives the object he desired, we would immediately stop wanting and then we would give gratitude for that which we believe that we had received.

This is the true secret of “The Secret.”  The power in receiving anything is all within the art of letting go.

It’s completely fine to want things.  I believe that we are all created to continuously desire more.  All of creation longs to expand itself.  That is our nature.  It’s great to set your intention to have good things come your way.  And, you can set your intention to attract specific things into your life.  But, ultimately, you want to let go of your desire . . . not like no longer caring, but more like believing you already received that which you desired.  Otherwise, your continual focus will remain on wishing for what you want, and noticing what you don’t have.  And, your energy will go to both things.

Instead, desire, intend, ask, and then believe that you received what you desired.  And because you have it, you no longer have to want it.  You can simply move straight into gratitude, thanking God for providing that for which you asked.

[End of Post]

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Finding Yourself - Part II

I am very happy to announce today that I am now incorporated in the State of California to do business as Strategies for Today, LLC. My website for my coaching business is also available as of today and may be found at www.strategiesfortoday.com. Even if you’re not interested in having a Life Coach, you may be interested in some of the information on my website – especially the entire “Philosophy” section. Please check it out and let me know what you think.
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This morning as I was watching the Today Show, the interview of Katie Callaway Hall, who was interviewed by Meredith Vieira, caught my attention.  In 1977, Hall was attacked and raped by Phillip Garrido, the same man accused of kidnapping Jaycee Dugard at age 11 in front of her South Lake Tahoe home and holding and raping Dugard for 18 years.

Hall, and her husband, Jim, had made the long drive from Las Vegas, NV to Placerville, CA to attended Garrido’s first court hearing on the Dugard charges.  Garrido had been paroled from his 50-year sentence for his rape conviction of Hall after serving only eleven years.  He is now accused of abducting Dugard just three years after his release from prison for the Hall rape conviction.

During the Hall trial, Katie Callaway Hall said that she was unable to look Garrido in the eyes.  She had made the drive to face her attacker in an effort to find closure (my words).  The thing that caught my attention was that Hall said (in speaking of looking Garrido in the face), “It took me by total surprise, my reaction, and I can’t even explain why — except to tell you on some deep, subconscious level, I reacted to this man in a way I didn’t expect to.” [italics mine]

She went on to say, “I thought this chapter was closed.  I pretty much closed it and got on with my life.  It’s always been just under the surface of my life, and I thought this was in its box and put away.  But this Pandora’s box is open for me, and now I’m dealing with it again on a different level, like I’ve been victimized myself.” [italics mine]

Hall was surprised by her reaction.  She said, “I just thought I’d look at him in victory: ‘You jerk.  I survived.  You’re going down.’  But it hit me completely different,” she said. “I almost broke down.  I started tearing up.  I couldn’t understand why.  I couldn’t control it.  I hope that that’s not going to happen next time.  I hope I got that initial meeting out of the way and now I know what to expect.” [italics mine]

It’s a common saying for us that “time heals all wounds.”  But that’s just a fallacy.  With time, we learn to bury our hurts and our emotions.   We stuff them down and pretend that they’re not there.  Most of us don’t know what to do with them.   And then when they come to the surface, just as Katie Callaway Hall said in her interview, we’re taken by surprise.

Just because we don’t think about our hurts or our emotional scars on a daily basis doesn’t mean that they’ve been healed!  If we haven’t done the work to replace those hurts, they simply simmer below the surface, just waiting for a similar situation, a look, a certain word or tone of voice to present itself before they explode to the surface, surprising even us.  In these times, our subconscious minds are simply reacting to the stimuli that remind us of the past hurt. We are not responding to the current situation.  If we were, we’d find that we were over-reacting to it.  Over-reaction is a big clue that tells us when we’re reacting to something other than the situation at hand.

Another point of interest is that Hall said that she felt like she’d been victimized herself when facing Garrido.  Our subconscious minds hold the memories of every single moment in our lives in storage for us.  They hold every event, everything said, every smell, every color, every word spoken, and every thought related to each event.  And, the subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between real life and a memory.  So, when the memory and the emotions of an event are triggered, the subconscious mind brings that memory to the forefront of our minds and it really is like we’re in that event again.

These events do become a part of who we truly are.  The Bible reads, that “…out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45, NKJV)  When we realize we are not responding to what is before us, but we are reacting to something from our past, that’s a sign that there is something we’ve buried that needs to be healed.  Unless we work to heal those wounds from the past, we will never be free of the emotional hurt that we suffered in relation to those wounds.

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Finding Yourself – Part I

While sitting in a seminar some years ago, I heard the lecturer make a statement that at the time I didn’t agree with.  He said [paraphrased]:

You think that you need to be separate from others in order to find yourselves.  You believe that your identity can only come to the surface if you are not surrounded by others, working in teams or in groups.  You believe that you need to be separate in order to be noticed or to really find out who you are.  But none of that’s true.  You only find yourselves in teams.  You only find yourselves when you are working with others.

As I said, I was in complete disagreement with this statement.  Yet, as you can see, the thought continued to stay in my mind, every so often, coming to the surface as if to say, “I’m still here, take a look at me again.”  I would look at that thought, measure it to what I had experienced in life, and continuing to disagree with it, I would push it to the back of my mind.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I actually began to understand what the lecturer was saying all those years ago.  And, little by little, I began to believe that what he said is true to life.  (Isn’t it amazing what just a few years of living will do to increase our understanding and wisdom?)

I found, from my own experience, that working with others always brought out things in me that I didn’t know where there – both things that I liked and things that I didn’t like.  Working alone I wasn’t challenged to get along with others, I wasn’t challenged to be understanding of others, and I certainly wasn’t challenged to try and understand another’s views.  Working alone, I only had to deal with me and I got along pretty good with myself!  Working alone, I wasn’t stretched to accept any other views other than my own.  Working alone doesn’t cause one to grow like he would when working with others.

I finally understood what the lecturer had said.  When you give yourself to others, you don’t lose yourself – you actually find yourself!  Working in teams shows you what’s inside.  It makes you aware of the things that you like about yourself and exposes those things that you don’t like and that you wish to change.  Working with others causes you to re-examine what you believe.  It challenges your beliefs and gives you insight into others beliefs so that you may choose differently than what you had believed before.  Or, it helps you grow stronger in what you already believed.

Working with others moves us much more quickly through the lessons of life that we all have to learn.  Just like rushing water helps determine what a rock is made of and polishes it over time, we need the friction provided by others to help us see what we’re each made of and to polish and mold us into what we are supposed to become.  Without the catalyst that others are for us, it can take us years longer to learn our life-lessons, which amounts to years of suffering that could be avoided.

If you are working with someone that is a challenge for you to work with, say a simple prayer asking that you be shown what it is that you are to learn from this person or from working with this person.

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

What Everyone Resists

Have you ever considered that we are all resistors (of others) in one way or another?  Some people resist any guidance from others or they resist taking any advice from another in a somewhat passive-aggressive manner.  Others resist being told what to do no matter who they are with.  While yet others resist even the directions they are given by those in authority over them at work!

What is it about being given direction that so threatens us that we seem to run from it?  I’d like for you to consider that there is a set of behaviors that we have in common with everyone in the human race.  And then also consider that one of those behaviors that we all share is that we all resist being controlled.

Our Resistance to Being Controlled.

Consider that one of the fundamental driving forces we all share is a resistance to being controlled by others.  Simply put, we resist being told what to do.  When we are working in teams at our places of employment, we resist allowing the outcomes of our circumstances (our fates) to reside in the hands of another (the team leader).  If we disagree with the direction that the team leader is taking the team, we fight against that direction in one of many ways: we become directly confrontational with the team leader, or we talk to others on the team to try and sway them to our way of thinking so that we can form a coup to show a majority stance against the leader, or we go over the leader’s head to someone higher-ranking in the company in order to try and convince that person of our way.

In my own life, one place where I’ve resisted another is in allowing my partner to navigate our way anywhere when he was driving us in the car.  In order to fully understand where I was coming from, you must first know that my story about my partner was that he had zero-sense of direction.  I tell you this not because it’s true about him, but because that’s the way that I viewed him for quite sometime.

If we were going somewhere in the car, I really held him accountable if he got us lost, or made us late in getting somewhere, especially if I had told him to take a different route or turn.  I would sit in the passenger seat and get really quiet.  I just wouldn’t talk to him (because that’s the adult way of handling disagreements – right?)!  I know that none of you have ever done this, but I’m sure you can imagine how well that strategy worked out for me/us!

Once I realized that I was being controlling every time we got into the car, and once I realized that I wasn’t allowing him to be responsible for getting us to where we were going, I decided to run a silent experiment.  I decided that I was going to allow him to be fully responsible for getting us to our destinations and I wasn’t going to be upset about him taking wrong turns, taking a route that I wouldn’t, or even getting us to our destination late.  I just was going to be in the car and not get upset!

Now there’s a big difference in the way that I prepare for going somewhere and the way my partner prepares.  I’m driven to not only know the address of where we’re going but I also have to know the phone number in case we need to call ahead and let someone know we’re going to be late due to traffic.  I will also typically have directions with me or I will have looked at a map enough to have a general sense of what roads would best get us to our destination.  My partner? – his preparation usually involved getting in the car, sometimes having the destination address, and using his trusty GPS.

At the beginning of the experiment, we would get in the car and my partner would just start driving!  I would ask, do you know where you’re going?  And he would say, “no, I thought you did.”  If I had the address, I would tell him so.  Then he would ask me to get his navigation system out of his glovebox and enter in the destination address for him.  Oohhh, how frustrating!  He was depending on me but only under his conditions and he still wasn’t conceding control to me!  Everything else, for me, was a lesson in taking control of myself by letting go of my attachments to “being right”, having things my way, having to be places early by a particular amount of time, or taking the route that I would take.

The part of my experiment that involved me not dominating and not getting upset turned into a lesson of accepting that which is rather than fighting against not getting upset (which as you know is a losing battle).

Ultimately, I ended up learning that my silent experiment was as much about me as it was about him!  I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time I was doing it, but more than allowing him to just be responsible, I was hoping that he would come to his senses and realize that my point-of-view (that he had no sense of direction and needed my guidance) was right and then he would ask for my help (knowing that it always works out better when someone asks for direction rather than receiving unsolicited advice).  So as you can see, my experiment was really just another strategy for me to try to get my way and get him to relinquish control of getting us to our destination!  (One might even say that I was being passive-aggressive.)

Take a look at your life now.  Where can you see that you’re being controlling and uncompromising about how things have to be?  Can you give up having to control those situations?  Will you give up trying to control those situations?  Can you accept that another’s way of doing something is just as valid as your way?  It may be that you have great ideas for cutting corners or improving a process.  However, if your ideas aren’t welcome or solicited, they’ll simply be ignored and that may leave you feeling unimportant, unwelcomed, or diminished.

Our position is that everyone has a place at the table.  That includes us.  So if you are feeling that you don’t have a welcomed place from which to share your ideas or opinions, look at where it is that you are trying to control the situation and ask yourself if you can give up that control and simply accept what is.  I think you’ll find that acceptance may ultimately not just give you a place to sit, but a place from which you are asked to speak, and possibly a place where your words are given great weight.

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Incomplete Communications

Several years back, my partner and I took a vacation with another couple who were good friends of ours.  However, this wasn’t the normal vacation we like to take (snorkeling at some pristine beach in the Caribbean), but it instead involved a lot of time together in the car as we toured the Northwestern parts of Nevada and California.  As we planned our trip and determined the places where we wanted to go, I could hear the voice of my mother in my head saying, “When you believe that you want to marry someone, take a long trip in the car together. That will test your compatibility.”

Before I tell you the rest of the story, let me ask you, “Have you ever had an incomplete communication with someone?”  What I mean by incomplete communication is:
a) the other person didn’t understand what you said
b) the other person didn’t receive your communication
c) you didn’t understand what was being said to you
d) you didn’t receive the other person’s communication    or
e) there was something that should have been said but never was.

These are all examples of communication that was left incomplete.

When an incomplete communication is in your space, it will come up for you every time you are around that other person.  It seems like it becomes a plaque of sorts because it doesn’t appear to diminish with the passing of time.  Instead, it just seems to drive a divide between you and the other person – a divide that after enough time has passed will seem insurmountable.  In fact, if enough time has passed, you’ll find yourself getting really reasonable about not completing an incomplete communication with justifications like, “I don’t need to bring up that old thing.  That happened a long time ago.” or “That’s water under the bridge.”

Unfortunately, incomplete communications of any kind will serve only to diminish the affinity that you can have for another or the affinity that he could have for you.  And truthfully, that’s one of the primary reasons you will want to resolve any communications that are incomplete.  The completion of an incomplete communication will immediately release the negative feelings that you have about that person.  It will open your heart to have more affinity for that person and it will provide you with peace of mind – all good reasons to complete your past incomplete communications.

One thing to remember though is that just because something was left incomplete for you does not necessarily mean that it is also incomplete for the other person.  It’s best not to project your beliefs or feelings onto the other person.  Simply complete with that person what was left as incomplete for you.  Then, your work is done.  If that thing was also incomplete for the other person, through your boldness and generosity of completing that thing, you will be giving the other an opening that he or she may not have had before.  That could be a gift of grace that will provide the other person with peace of mind and greater affinity.

So, back to my story, since I don’t enjoy traveling in a car for any more than 4 hours to reach a destination, I hadn’t, as an adult, had a lot of travel experience of being in a car and having to be responsible.  Boy was I in for a big awakening!  The big day came and we met at the airport to fly across the country from Maryland to California where we would pick up our rental car and begin our long awaited vacation together.

The first couple of days were great and we really enjoyed the camaraderie with one another.  After that, things went downhill quickly!  We couldn’t get the temperature in the car adjusted to everyone’s liking.  The music, too, was an issue of personal taste with little compromise.  Sometimes, the individuals who were driving would become agitated with the heavy traffic or his or her loss for direction.

After that, everything seemed to become a challenge: Finding a restaurant that we could all agree on; agreeing on what sites we would see that day; finding compatible entertainment at night to suit everyone’s tastes; and even seemingly unfairness in our accommodations – all of which were spoken of but never did the four of us just sit down and hash out our differences.  Not once did any of us take responsibility for the situation.  And never did anyone apologize for their words spoken out of anger or upset.

It was almost a year after our trip that I had finally had enough of these issues eating away at me.  I had never enjoyed a vacation any less than that one and I was stubbornly holding on to all of the wrongs I felt were done to me.  But, I couldn’t stand not having peace in my life.  I didn’t like the anger and the upset eating away at me.  So I picked up the phone and called my friend with whom I felt there was a communication left incomplete.

In our phone call, I took full responsibility for the way things went.  [Please note that when I say "I took full responsibility" I don't mean to imply that I took all of the blame.  Instead, I mean that I was declaring myself as being the one who would be responsible, or “at cause”, for how this matter would turn out.]  I took responsibility for how I had acted immaturely and for my words and actions which were not in line with who I say I am.  I told my friend how much I loved her and I told her what she meant to me.  I told her that I wasn’t going to tolerate anything that separated us like that again.  She said what she said and we ended the call.  Peace was present for me and my affinity for my friend was restored.

Sometimes it takes great courage or boldness to initiate this type of communication.  But the instant reward of completing something that was left incomplete for you and is standing in the way of you having a fully loving relationship with someone cannot be tolerated.  It doesn’t matter if it’s your boss, a coworker, a family member, a partner, or a friend.  The separation caused by something left incomplete should never be tolerated under any circumstances.

If you have an issue that has been left incomplete with someone in your life, I challenge you today to pick up the phone or drive to see that person and clean up your mess!  The rewards that you will reap are well worth it.

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Are You More Like Your Mother or Father?

Today’s blog is based on the premise that we all have taken actions in our lives to be like, or not like, our parent(s).  This may immediately turn you off to the point that you no longer are interested in this article.  However, I would ask you to withhold judgment until after reading the full blog.  There just may be something in here that would resonate with you to a degree that will allow you to become more fully self-expressed.

Consider that at some point in your life, you made a decision that was something to the affect of: “I will not be like my mother.  She’s manipulative and controlling.” or “I’m going to be just like my mother when I grow up.  She’s self-assured and unafraid to stand up for herself.”  And those are just statements about your maternal parent!  The same thing happens with the father in a two-parent home.  A person will decide to be like his father, or not like his father.  Do you see the irony in this?

If you made a decision to be just like your mother, then your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by “being your mother.”  If you made a decision to not be like your mother, then your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by “not being your mother.”  I’m certain now that the irony wasn’t lost on you.  You can plainly see that regardless of which path you chose, your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by your mother.  I would never presuppose that all of your actions, words, or emotions are given to you by “being your mother” or by “not being your mother.”  There are a variety of other sources whom you may have copied along the way because you liked who you saw them being.

The same is true of your father.  You made a conscious decision (although it may be buried in the subconscious for some) to be “like your father” or to “not be like your father.”  Therefore, the personality of your adolescent and teen years were shaped and blended by you:
a) being your mother OR not being your mother
AND
b) being your father OR not being your father.
Isn’t that great news?!!?

Ok, I can hear imaginary groans from some readers at that last remark.  However, I do think it is good news and here’s why:

We human beings have the unique power to choose our attitudes, our emotions, our speech, our actions, and our personalities, just like we have the power to put on clothes.  I know that may sound simplistic but I use that analogy because it conveys an ease to it rather than struggle.  And our lives do not have to be about struggle!  Along our lives’ paths, we have picked personality traits that we saw and liked in others and we said to ourselves, “I’m going to be like that.”  Or, we saw personality traits in others that we had an extreme dislike for and we said, “I’m not going to be like that.”

Although we all came “pre-programmed” with a basic personality, we shaped and molded what we had been given to be the outward representation of who we are (and how we feel about ourselves) on the inside.  So why is that good news?  It’s good news because, if you chose to be a certain way, you can now choose to put aside that same way of being if it no longer works for you.  As we grow in knowledge and skills, we find that we no longer need to have certain ways of being that we previously chose for ourselves – possibly as coping mechanisms.  Regardless of the reason, once you see that you have a personality trait that isn’t producing the results that you desire in your life (or that’s getting in the way of you getting those results), you can choose to set that personality trait aside, just as easily as you initially chose to pick it up and put it on.

That’s not to say that you’ll never have to deal with that personality trait again.  We have learned patterns or ways of being that are deeply engrained.  Therefore, once we decide to make a change, it will take several days of working in the newly desired trait before it is engrained on top of the old one, essentially taking the previous trait's place.  So, until that happens, you have a choice in every situation where that old pattern starts to show up.  You can give way to the old trait or you can choose to only allow the new behavior.  Whatever you choose, know that it is your choice and your actions, behavior, and speech are not given to you by another – but they are only given by you.

Now that’s empowerment!

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.