Transformational Thinking

Creating an Enduring Relationship

2011-04-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

During my Christmas vacation this past year, I was engaged in a conversation with my oldest niece. In the course of that conversation she informed me that she was not going to get married. When I asked why, she told me that it was because “fifty percent of all marriages (in America) end in divorce” and went on to explain that she had no interest in becoming part of the divorce-rate statistic. I shared with her my perspective that she could get married and not add to the divorce statistic. Implying that I didn’t understand her point-of-view, she asserted the significance of the statistics previously cited.

It may be of help for you to know that she and I entered this conversation with very different personal backgrounds. My parents have been married almost fifty years and remain happily together. But my niece’s parents divorced several years ago and she has been subject to, and a witness of, the pain, emotional turmoil, and heartache that this decision has had on her parents, her sister, and herself.

Since that original conversation, I’ve replayed it many times over in my head. And I’ve wondered how this (statistic) could be viewed differently and how I might be able to make a difference for her. Is there another, possibly more powerful, point-of-view from which we might view these astounding statistics?

Over this past weekend, I awoke to a thought that I now view as the answer to this question. And I believe that this concept holds a powerful perspective from which we can all learn so that we might make better choices in those we choose as significant others and even as friends. The thought to which I awakened was to “marry someone whom you don’t want to change.” The concept sounds simple enough and it’s certainly easy to say. But I believe that we all fall prey, at one time or another, to this hazardous, slippery-slope.

When I awoke with this thought, I began to think back over my partnership. Next month I will be celebrating my 13-year anniversary with my significant other. Most couples experience their first major difficulties around the two-year mark of being together. The first year or two of relationships are often referred to as “the honeymoon phase” because partners are generally still enchanted with one another during this time. However, around the two-year mark, partners generally begin to view each other from a more realistic point-of-view.

Behavior or habits once viewed as cute or entertaining, many times becomes annoying to us. We begin to start recommending “small” changes to the other and suggesting how he could better himself! Your girlfriend’s consistent behavior of being 15 minutes late is no longer viewed as her taking care of herself or wanting to look good for you. Instead, it now takes on new meaning, such as a lack of respect for you and your time or a lack of time-management skills. Your husband’s behavior of leaving his clothes wherever they fall when he removes them from his body may have once been viewed as carefree. Now, the same behavior becomes an anathema to you who likes to have a tidy home and feels the responsibility to clean up after him.

To borrow a popular American colloquial phrase, this is where the “rubber meets the road.” The hard work of a relationship only starts when you begin to see what you may view as flaws in your partner. After all, no one has a difficult time relating to another when the two are in total agreement. It’s only in discord, or in differing points-of-view that we find we need to walk in grace with one another. Only when we can find the grace to allow another to be who he is without requesting, or even desiring, that he change behaviors or habits will we find that we have the capacity to love another unconditionally. This is what it takes to stay together for “the long haul.”

Of course I’m not suggesting that anyone stay in a relationship where there is physical or emotional abuse or where another’s actions threaten our well-being in any way. However, outside of these types of circumstances, the ability to create a lasting relationship that works comes down to our individual abilities to accept another exactly as he is, and exactly as he isn’t. This requires that we adopt a new perspective for our relationships—one where we view nothing as missing or in disrepair.

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Part II: Obtaining Your Goals (Meeting Your Resolutions)

2011-01-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

In last week’s blog, I wrote about obtaining your goals/meeting your resolutions by putting structures in place to support you in the areas where you find yourself to be weakest in respect to will power and motivation. In this week’s blog, I’m continuing to write about obtaining your goals, but doing so by applying another method, reframing, on top of the structures you’ve already put in place.

The idea of reframing is not new to many. In fact, it’s used quite a bit by psychologists, therapists, and those who practice neuro-linguistic programming. And, the concept of reframing is simple enough for anyone to use in everyday life. Here, of course, I will be writing about using it for the purpose of obtaining your goals.

The simplest way to break down the concept of reframing is to look at it as “putting a new spin on a familiar concept.” We automatically reframe certain things in our lives – like changing our concept about someone whom we thought we would not like and then coming to find out that we have a lot in common with that individual. When we have the new realization, we naturally place that individual into a different category in our minds – a category that includes people we like. As we grow up, many of us reframe ideas about the foods we like and dislike, altering our perceptions to coincide with the altering of our tastebuds. So, the process of reframing is not new to any of us, and in fact, is used by all of us – albeit not always as a conscious act.

However, you can utilize this process consciously to help in obtaining your goals. For example, if you were working on developing a new habit of exercising every day, at some point (or at several points), you might be tempted to not go to the gym and your mind may automatically begin to think about all of the things you’re giving up in order to workout. You may think about how nice it would be to just be able to sit and relax in front of the T.V., to sit down and read a good book, or even to be able to run errands during that time rather than losing your personal down-time. This is where you can use reframing to your advantage. To reframe this, you can simply turn your thinking around to look at what you’re gaining instead of what you’re giving up.

When you think about all of the things you’re giving up, you’re fighting an up-hill mental battle that’s going to be difficult for you to win. Giving in to that mentality for even one day isn’t an option when you’re creating a new habit. You must be successful for 21-30 days consecutively in order to instill your new habit. Therefore, you need to change your thinking, choosing to concentrate your thoughts on what you are achieving, or what you’ll obtain, by continuing to exercise. Look at what you’ve visualized as the end-result of you obtaining that goal, whether it’s a healthier body, a slimmer body, or a body that’s capable of doing more than it has in the past.

Instill in yourself the habit of thinking about your goal, or its benefits, first thing in the morning before you get out of bed. And instill the same habit as the last thing you think about at night before you go to bed. Reward yourself, mentally, each night by complementing yourself for achieving your goal that day and adding another successful day to your new habit. Before long, with the proper structures in place and a bit of reframing to remind yourself of what you’re getting vs. what you’re giving up, you’ll find that you’ve successfully instilled, as a habit, your new resolution.

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Part I: Obtaining Your Goals (Meeting Your Resolutions)

2011-01-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

As we are now over midway into the first month of the new year, I suspect that many who made New Year’s Resolutions have already been tempted to give up on their goals at least once or twice. It’s no easy task to form a new habit – especially one that requires work and dedication. Because of this, I’m writing this two-part blog about reaching your goals. These blogs apply to any goal that one sets – not just New Year’s Resolutions.

Researchers tell us that forming a new habit takes daily implementation of that practice for a period of 15 – 21 days while some believe that more lasting results are the result of a 28-day repetition of that new practice. Whatever the true number is for you, I think it’s safe to say that in order to succeed in repeating a new behavior daily for 15 – 28 days takes much more than just pure will power!

Most of us are driven to our goals because of our own desires for change – whether that’s related to a specific trait or characteristic we want to develop or the result of being fed-up with the way our lives or bodies look. Regardless of the reason(s) we want to change, it’s not a lack of discipline which ultimately determines whether or not we reach our objective of creating a new habit or behavior. Instead, I’d like for you to consider that your success or failure is ultimately the result of the structures that you put in place to support your new habit. And, the lack of structures, or lack of adequate structures, is was precipitates not achieving that goal.

So, what is a structure? A structure is anything (e.g. process, system, support person) that you put in place in order to help you achieve your goals. People who succeed in their endeavors aren’t simply stronger-willed than you or even more dedicated or ambitious. People who succeed are those who have learned their limitations and are honest with themselves when it comes to knowing what they will or won’t do of their own accord. Successful people look at the areas in which they are weak and put support structures in place in order to aid them in overcoming those areas of weakness.

As an example, let’s say that you’ve decided to change your nutrition program. And, the parts of that change that will be difficult for you are: (1) giving up sweets, (2) not eating processed foods, and (3) eating every two hours of your waking day. In order to support your goal, your structures should be put in place prior to the first day of your new routine. Some of the support structures that you could put in place might be: (1) going through your kitchen and giving away (or getting rid of) all foods that have sugar in them, any sweeteners, and any processed foods, (2) talking to those who live with you (or are closest to you) about your goal, why you want to achieve it, and making a request of them to ask you specific questions or use specific wording to support you when you are feeling weak and wanting to give in or quit, & (3) adding reminders to your calendar to eat at your specific 2-hour intervals of every day. You may even find that to ultimately be successful you need to prepare your foods a day in advance or even on the weekends in advance of the week.

Ultimately, finding the structures that will support you through the areas in which you know yourself to be weakest will be the foremost thing you can do to ensure success for your new behavior. And to accomplish the act of getting the appropriate structures in place, you must begin with being honest about what you will or will not do on your own. Honestly take a look at the areas where you feel weak. Also, take a look at what has caused you to fail to obtain goals in your past. Then put structures in place around these areas in order to support you for the first 30 days of your new routine. After that, your structures may be altered or dropped altogether, depending on how well you are doing at that time.

Next week, I’ll be posting Part II of obtaining your goals. But don’t wait until then to re-establish your broken resolutions. Support structures will carry you through the majority of any issues that you will face in achieving your new habit or behavior. So be brave and resolute in seeing your newly desired habit reinstated. In the wise words of Mary Pickford, “…this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.”

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A New Kind of Christmas

2011-01-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

There I was, sitting in the family room of my parent’s home on Christmas Eve, surrounded by my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, sister, nieces, and nephews, and I realized that something was drastically different this year. All week long, my mind had only been on squeezing the most out of my time with my family that I could. It hadn’t even dawned on me that I was different – but different I was. In fact, it was the first Christmas in my life for which I no longer cared about receiving a single gift. The meaning of Christmas had somehow changed for me and it wasn’t until that night, while opening my presents and watching the others in my family open theirs, that this realization actually sank in.

I remembered that it was just last year before the Christmas holiday that I was admitting to my partner how self-centered and selfish I had always felt around this time of year. I truly loved to give presents but it was equally important to me to receive them! And, my expectations were always so high, that I had never failed to be disappointed. It was a way of being, that I had, in which I was not proud of myself and desperately wanted to change but didn’t know how.

At this point, I should add that I had embarked on a journey of self-healing over this last year – actually beginning in mid-2009 – but picking up a quicker and more intentional pace beginning in January of 2010. I was traveling the country to study and learn different techniques of healing and was applying them both in practice on others as well as myself. One such technique that I learned and used extensively on myself and others was The LifeLine Technique. The LifeLine Technique focuses on emotions (from our past – emotions that we’ve denied, disconnected from, or repressed) as the root of physical and emotional ailments and discomforts. Using this technique, I was able to locate and interpret several issues such as repressed emotions and self-limiting beliefs that I had held, and release them so that they no longer affected my present or future outlook on life.

It must have been a result of this work that I did which led me to be able to transform in such a way that I didn’t even realize the transformation had occurred. After all, that is the way that transformation works. It’s not like changing a behavior where one has to consciously train himself to act or behave differently than he always has in the past. Instead, transformation changes one from the inside out so that when you act in relation to events, you are no longer reacting from a subconscious pattern of behavior that is meant to protect you. But instead, you are now simply acting out a part of you that you have always had inside of you, but that was suppressed due to reactive patterns that were in place.

As part of this journey of self-discovery and healing, I had also spent quite a bit of time focusing on how my expectations in life always let me down. And while I firmly believe in expecting good things to come my way, I was also wrestling with the idea of letting go of certain expectations that I seemed to continuously have of others. At the end of my internal struggle with this idea, I came to a place where I was able to continue having expectations of others (expectations like having integrity, keeping one’s word, etc.) and also able to let go of the same when I saw that my expectations were not met (or were not going to be met). In other words, I feel like I found a balance of a place where I could have expectations for the things in life that really mattered, not have them for those things that didn’t matter in the larger scope of life, and the ability to let go of expectations that I had when I saw they would not be met.

Learning to let go was probably the biggest challenge for me and yet the most rewarding one. Once I realized that I was always left in upset by not letting go of my unmet expectations, and knowing that I was committed to not living a life of upset, the solution became obvious – give up any unmet expectation(s), thereby allowing me freedom to not live in upset with others.

I suppose it was a combination of all of these things, and putting these learned-lessons into practice that has led me to be even more available to no longer have expectations for those things in life, which in the grand scope of things, really do not matter. Expecting nothing for Christmas was an added bonus for me and evidence of the hard work that I had put into transforming this area of my life.

Being able to enjoy my family-time at Christmas this year was the biggest blessing I could have had. Not only was I able to feel truly appreciative for what I did receive, but I was able to enjoy my family on a whole different level, and allow the true spirit of Christmas to show through me, and to be fully felt by me.

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Mastering The Game of Life

2010-09-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite authors and teachers, Dr. Darren R. Weissman, included in his first book, The Power of Infinite Love & Gratitude, what he has called the 9 Rules to Mastering the Game of Life. Following, I share these 9 Rules to Mastering the Game of Life along with a direct quote of Dr. Weissman’s from each. If you enjoy these and would like to learn more, please check out Dr. Weissman’s website and/or "like" his Facebook page where he has housed videos related to each of these 9 Rules.

Rule #1: The Universe Is Infinite

Here, Dr. Weissman writes, “This view is magnified infinitely by the core truth that you’re a spiritual being having a human-being experience. By be-ing, you experience the infinite essence and wonder of life."

Rule #2: You have free will; a choice with every experience.

“The act of 'being' is a choice to stay connected to the moment, no matter how difficult it may be. This is living in Present Time Consciousness. When you practice this, you awaken to the stream of consciousness and flow of thoughts that are always present within your mind.”

Rule #3: Everything is interconnected. For every choice that you make, there will be a consequence.

Dr. Weissman writes, “The LifeLine Law of Transformation and Creation states: ‘Emotions transform energy; energy creates movement; movement is change; and changes is the essence of life.’ As a result of change, you experience life.” He also writes, “It’s by taking responsibility for your choices that you experience the flow of life and the greatest opportunities for growth.”

Rule #4: Judgment is prohibited.

“Judgment is the lack of Present Time Consciousness (PTC). It’s a reaction based on preconceived notions about a person, race, religion, gender, nationality, and so forth. Living in PTC – embracing your intuition, feelings, and beliefs, facilitates your ability to transcend judgment and make the best choices.”

Rule #5: The greatest power is self-love.

“Unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go are essential to unleashing the infinite power of self-love.” “Self-love is the process of self-discovery – acknowledging, honoring, and releasing the parts of yourself that you’ve subconsciously internalized, denied, and disconnected from.”
“The greatest adversary to self-love is fear. Resisting change because you’re afraid of losing your identity keeps this emotion alive.”

Rule #6: You’ll experience pain, fear, and challenges.

“Throughout history, the greatest accomjplishments have been achieved through determination, persistence, blood, sweat, and tears. Everyone experiences pain, fear, and challenges. It’s the choices you make when faced with difficult situations that empower you to transform them into an opportunity for growth. Embracing this rule is vital to living a life without judgment.”

Rule #7: Embrace life with the attitude of gratitude.

“The attitude that you have toward any experience is a choice. You can always view the cup as being half full or half empty, but the most courageous way to move through life is by choosing to find the good in every instant. Rather than surrendering to emotions of negativity and despair, consciously and creatively embrace life with the attitude of gratitude.”

Rule #8: Take responsibility for your life.

“…symptoms or challenges are your life’s way of telling you to take responsibility.”
“Taking responsibility means that you’ll make the choice to maintain Present Time Consciousness, despite the circumstances. It signifies that you won’t judge the consequences of your choices, but rather learn from them. By opting to take responsibility for your life, you’ll be inclined to embrace your experiences with the attitude of gratitude.”

Rule #9: Life has meaning.

“Turn on the news and you’ll hear about war, genocide, political upheaval, scandals, poverty, starvation, racism, pollution…” “Can you imagine if life didn’t have meaning and all these crises were occurring just ‘because’? This is our wake-up call! Life is painful, yet there’s value in pain. Life is scary, yet there’s meaning in fear. Life is challenging, yet every challenge is an opportunity. We need to ask the question Why? and be willing to hear the answer.”

If you’ve enjoyed these brief excerpts of Dr. Weissman’s “Mastering The Game of Life,” I encourage you to fully read his books, “The Power of Infinite Love & Gratitude” and “Awakening to the Secret Code of Your Mind.”
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My OWN Talk Show

2010-06-24T03:25:00.000-07:00

I'm requesting your help in getting me selected as a finalist for Oprah's "My OWN Talk Show" reality contest. Click on the following link to see my video submission for my talk show idea and to vote for me: My Video Submission / Vote.

You can vote more than once. I'm requesting that you vote at least once for me every day until the contest is over. The contest ends on July 3rd. Since I just submitted my video, I have little time to obtain votes.

I would sincerely appreciate you telling others about my request and asking them to vote for me as well. You can also link to my voting page via Facebook by clicking on this link. By clicking on the "Suggest To Friends" link under my picture, you can send this request to your friends on Facebook. You can also click on the "Like It" link in order to link to the page on your wall.

Thank you for your help in making a dream of mine come true.

Peace and Blessings.

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Evaluating our Actions Based on Goals

2010-02-10T05:30:00.000-08:00

As you can see, I haven’t been very effective at keeping my blogs up-to-date in the last few months. But since I turned another year older today, I felt it a great reason to log on and blog. I am now celebrating my 40th year on this great planet of ours and I feel freer, healthier, and happier than I have ever been in my life. And I believe that each year will only get that much better for me.

Now I don’t normally make New Year’s Resolutions. I have nothing against them. They’re just not my personal style. I’m not saying that I never have nor ever will. But at this point in my life they just don’t do it for me. However, I am continuously re-evaluating my life and creating intentions for where I want to be in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, and 10 years. I do this periodically as well as just checking in with myself from time-to-time to see what’s missing in my life, what I would like more of, what I would like less of…like that.

It’s a kind of, checking my course type of thing - in the same way that the captains of ships and pilots of planes need to periodically re-evaluate their headings to determine if they are still on course or if adjustments need to be made. If we wait too long to re-evaluate our direction, and we find that we have veered off course, the adjustments we have to make end up being bigger ones that are more time-consuming and require more effort. Smaller adjustments are easier and less invasive.

But regardless of when you have made resolutions, or set intentions or goals for your life, there is a really simple method we can use to re-evaluate where we are in life and to determine if we’re on course. This is a simple exercise that requires a pen or pencil and a piece of paper. But I promise you it will be worth the whole 3 minutes of time invested for you to do this exercise. My guarantee is that this exercise may be very eye-opening for you but only if you do it as designed. If you just read through the exercise and try to do it in your mind, I can positively guarantee that you will not get the same value out of the exercise. So, are you ready?

     1. Make a list of the things that consume the majority of your time.

     2. Next, make a list of the things which you are committed to pursuing (in the present) for your life.

     3. Finally, make a list of the things to which you really are committed. Consider that if being committed were a function of how we give of ourselves in time and money, to what things are your time & money being given? These things, then, represent that to which you are really committed.

After completing the above exercise, look over your answers. Do the items in your 3rd list look the same as those in your 2nd list? Do the items in your 1st list prohibit you from working towards things listed in your 2nd list?

Are there things you listed in step 1 that you want to alter or altogether stop? Are there things you listed in step 3 that you want to alter or discontinue?

If there were a lot of variances for you (and many times there are), don’t make it an opportunity to get down on yourself. The opportunity here is to look at your relationship to commitment.
Do you esteem your commitments as worthy of pursuit? Do you seem to continuously experience difficulty following through on your commitments?

Now, look over the items you listed in step 3 again. Are there any things on there that have a particular hold on you? Maybe you want to not spend so much time or money in an area listed there but you find that you continue doing it over and over again.

If you were to consider the definition of addiction as “having the need for anything outside of yourself to make you feel whole or complete,” would you consider any of the items you listed on step 3 to be addictions? As humans, we’re very good at having addictions in all sorts of areas. Of course we hear about people who are addicted to alcohol, nicotine, drugs, or even sex. But what we really don’t talk about is that there are so many other addictions less graphic in nature. For instance, you could be addicted to shoplifting, addicted to watching television, or addicted to needing a boyfriend/girlfriend. These three addictions are no different from any other classification of addiction. Every addiction is initially driven by a closely-related unmet need within yourself. Looking for something, or someone, outside of yourself to give you a sense of meaning and fulfillment will always fall short of providing you what you desire. This is because your ultimate desire is to be at one with yourself – to be at peace. The idea of atonement is the concept of being at one-ment. External things used to try and fill these unmet needs will always fall short and will always reappear – either in the same form or possibly with a new pattern of addiction.

Take this opportunity as a stepping stone to recommit to what’s important to you. Use this opportunity to discontinue engaging in activities that take you away from achieving those things to which you are committed and to use that time, energy, and money towards what it is you want to accomplish in life.

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Invictus

2009-12-17T21:21:00.000-08:00

I am currently on holiday, visiting my family in Missouri. I will not be returning to my home, nor do I plan on writing a subsequent blog until after the Christmas holiday. With that said, I wish you all a very, merry Christmas shared with, and surrounded by those you love.

Earlier today, I went with my dad and mom to see the movie “Invictus,” directed by Clint Eastwood and staring Morgan Freeman in the role of Nelson Mandela. [This is not a movie-spoiler.] Although I knew the movie tied the leadership of Mandela to the success of the South African National rugby team, I was unaware of the movie’s

awe-inspiring portrayal of the power of forgiveness under the example of Mandela.

The movie begins with the release of Mandela from prison and the fall of apartheid in South Africa and then quickly segues to ultimately portray Mandela’s life during his term as president when he campaigned to host the 1995 Rugby World Cup event as an opportunity to unite his countrymen.  The movie beautifully and eloquently displays the powerful tool that forgiveness became in the ability of one man to unite an entire nation.

In the movie, Mandela offers to the captain of the rugby team (played by Matt Damon) a handwritten copy of the poem ("Invictus") that he accredited for sustaining him and causing him to prevail even when he was at his lowest points during his 27 years of imprisonment.  Below, I offer a copy of this poem.

As background, the poet, William Ernest Henley, at the age of 12 became victim to tuberculosis of the bone.  The title of the poem, “Invictus,” is a Latin word which translates to mean "unconquerable” or “undefeated."  Henley penned this poem in 1875 from his hospital bed after having his leg amputated as a result of his condition.  This poem was first published in 1888 in Henley's Book of Verses, where it was the fourth in a series of poems originally entitled “Life and Death (Echoes).”

               Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
     Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
     For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
     I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
     My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
     Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
     Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
     How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
     I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley (1849 - 1903)

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Selfishness and Giving

2009-12-10T14:35:00.000-08:00

On an airplane a few weeks back, I was sharing with my partner about how much I loved my family’s Christmas traditions – the getting together, the reading of the Christmas story, all of the playful hijinks, and always, always, always the discovery of who will now hold the honor of receiving a rather sadly-made version of Mary & Joseph that has been passed around within our extended family for something like 15 years now

(along with the more recent addition of their accompanying “travel diary”).  But I think I may have surprised him when I also told him about my selfishness and why Christmas had, in years past, been somewhat of a let-down for me because of my expectations around gift giving (or to be more precise, gift receiving).

Don’t get me wrong – I love to give to others.  I love to give my time, my support, my money, and unexpected gifts as an expression of my love.  For the better part of my life I’ve been a giver and I’ve learned that giving does return a joy to me that surpasses other joys I’ve known.  But being a giver has never changed the fact that I am also selfish!

In many ways, I think that being selfish has served me well in life, allowing me to see that if I don’t first ensure that my “cup is full,” I will have nothing left to give to others.  I can’t take care of another if I can’t first take care of myself.  If I’m not ensuring my own mental and emotional stability, how am I to help another in need?  In that vein, I believe that being selfish is something that more people should learn.  Not a selfishness that just takes – but a selfishness that takes care of one’s own needs first.

In reflecting on the upset I felt related to gift-receiving, or lack thereof, I realized that a very simple shift in my expectations could make a world of difference for me and transform my upset into complete joy.  In the past, when it came time to open my presents, I was focused on the number of presents I received.  I was also focused on the gifts themselves and not on the hearts of those who had given to me.  This could have possibly been due to the obligatory nature that I felt events such as Christmas and birthdays represented for me.  Those had both come to represent times in which I felt a need to give out of obligation rather than giving solely out of my love for another.

My shift in view was simply to choose to give to others out of my heart’s desire to bless them.  Coupling that view-point with choosing to expect nothing from anyone, I realized that anything I received would be a welcomed sign of love and affection on the part of any who gave.

Armed with my new points-of-view, I am now ready for Christmas – one filled with the love and joy of being with my family and friends whom I adore.

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Celebrating Our Heroes and Other Stories of Success

2009-11-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

While visiting at the Thanksgiving table last night after dinner, the subject of the Great Depression arose. A few attendees had been alive during that era and gave some of their accounts of what times where like back then. One comment struck me in particular. The individual was speaking of the hardships faced by people then and the strength – both physically and that of character that it required for many (or, arguably most) to survive those times.

Then, before retiring to bed last night I watched NBC’s “People of the Year” with Matt Lauer. I was moved by the very first interview with Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger who piloted the US Airways “Miracle on the Hudson”

landing that saved the lives of everyone on board.  I listened to how he said his life had changed and how he had become more secure in his own skin.

I then listened to the interview with Captain Richard Phillips whose boat had come under attack by pirates off the rugged Horn of Africa.  Captain Phillips ended up being kidnapped by the pirates but was credited with saving his boat and the lives of his crew.  The U.S. military came to his aid and freed him to return home.

I was moved by both of these stories and I suddenly realized why we love to hear the stories of heroes and why we love to hear the stories of those, like Susan Boyle and Taylor Swift, who have brought us so much joy with their music and whose dreams have come true for them.  We love to hear these stories because they represent the human spirit and of what we are capable.  They represent the resiliency of the human spirit and stand as testament to the abilities that we all have within.

The thrust we have to survive, the strength and courage that shine through when necessary, and the drive to succeed and prevail – achieving our dreams, celebrate that of which we are all capable.  These stories represent what’s possible for anyone who has a dream to achieve.  They represent the pinnacle of the human spirit – a drive to always succeed, a steadfastness in times of trouble, and an enduring hope that our circumstances will only get better.

It matters not if your aspirations are considered big or small.  They all live in the realm of the possible if you dare to keep them in your heart and dreams.  I believe in a God who is for us all, who wants us to succeed, and who gives to us every good thing, withholding nothing.  And, I continually see the evidence for this when I look at my life and the lives of others.  There is no thing that is out of our reach or that is too big for any of us to handle.

[end of post]

A Thanksgiving Full of Thankfulness

2009-11-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

It’s become many family’s tradition to have each person sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table tell everyone in attendance for what they are grateful. My family, too, honors this tradition although I’ve not had the privilege of spending Thanksgiving with them for many years.

In my younger years I, of course, had little regard for this tradition. As a child, when food was set before me I was ready to eat! Now my understanding of this practice gives me a much greater appreciation for its value in my life and in the lives of others.

The good folks at the Institute of HeartMath® have been working for many years to understand the power of emotion contained within the heart, the heart/brain entrainment, and the physiological ramifications of the heart’s emotional content.  As part of their findings, they’ve been able to produce conclusive evidence that we can shift ourselves from the feelings of stress and other negative feelings/emotions entirely by getting into our “heart space” and operating from one of the following four places for a period of three minutes: (1) Love (2) Appreciation (3) Gratitude OR (4) Compassion.  Getting into this space provides a shift in our being, no matter the circumstances surrounding our lives currently.  But this is no easy task – I assure you!  I’m able to easily produce these feelings for 30-45 seconds but my attention starts to wane or I begin to feel like I’ve exhausted my list of things for which I’m grateful.

One of the great things about this exercise is that it causes you to dig deep.  You’ll quickly run out of the surface things within the first minute.  The remainder or time causes you to really examine what you love, what you’re appreciative of, what you’re grateful for, or where in your life you have compassion.

To shift your being, you don’t need to pick one of the above items only.  You can move down into your heart and begin to exercise all four of the above feelings – you just need to stay in one or a combination of the four attributes for a period of three minutes in order to shift who you are being in the moment.

This technology is so effective that it’s now being used by major corporations to train their managers how to make effective decisions.  Rather than a manager going to a meeting where he is expected to make a decision just after having received a phone call or e-mail with negative considerations about that thing, these managers are learning to make decisions based on their hearts rather than their heads – and it’s having outstanding success.

I employ this technology when I get a phone call from someone who is having a stressful day or is feeling overwhelmed by what they have to do.  I simply ask them to tell me for what they are grateful.  They begin to tell me and when the finish, I ask them to tell me for what else they are grateful.  I continue this line of questioning, either with the same attribute or a combination of any/all of the above four attributes until I’ve helped that person get into his/her heart and produce love-filled emotion for three minutes.  Most people don’t even recognize that this is what I’m doing.  They simply know that they feel entirely better after that conversation and they are free of stress and clear of mind to take whatever their next steps are.

I’m providing this link to the “De-Stress Kit for the Changing Times” as posted on the HeartMath® website.  Give yourself the gift of reading this thirteen-page article today.  It will be the best preparation you could give yourself for this Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season.  With this preparation, you’ll be aptly prepared to face whatever stress might come your way.

Happy Thanksgiving!  May you be blessed with the gifts of thankfulness and gratitude for that which you have.

[End of Post]

The Art of Letting Go

2009-11-24T13:30:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was at a seminar where I heard the speaker make a startling statement. He was speaking about the polarity of all things (i.e. good/bad, right/wrong, light/dark and so on) and he mentioned that when we are intent about anything, we also intend that thing’s opposite. While this statement wasn’t entirely new to me (reference my blog entitled “Why Inequality Exists”), the impact of this concept’s ramifications had a newly profound effect on how I now see everything.

According to the speaker, one cannot ask for something or want for something without noticing that what he wants or asks for is missing.  So when we’re focusing our intention towards something, on some level we are also continually noticing that thing is not present in our lives.  Because of this, we’re giving energy to both things – the having and the not having!

To look from another perspective, think back to when you were a child and think of a time when you got something you had really been wanting for a long time – something you wanted really badly.  You asked your parents for it.  You asked Santa for it.  You asked God for it.  And, you continued to want that thing until you finally got it.  When you got that thing, you immediately expressed gratitude for that thing and went off to play with it or use it.  And, then, if you were like most kids, it seemed like you immediately began to focus on something else that you wanted.  In fact, that may even describe you in the present.  I know that is certainly how life shows up for me.

Looking back at that analogy, what was the first thing you did when you received that which you wanted?  You stopped wanting that thing!  You no longer wanted it because you now possessed it.  And, then you expressed gratitude for having it in your life.

As grown ups, when we focus our attention on what we want in our lives, we do give energy to that thing.  But, we are also giving energy to having the absence of that thing.  If we really believed that we received that for which we asked at the time in which we asked, we would have no need to continually focus our attention on the wanting of that thing.  Just like the child who receives the object he desired, we would immediately stop wanting and then we would give gratitude for that which we believe that we had received.

This is the true secret of “The Secret.”  The power in receiving anything is all within the art of letting go.

It’s completely fine to want things.  I believe that we are all created to continuously desire more.  All of creation longs to expand itself.  That is our nature.  It’s great to set your intention to have good things come your way.  And, you can set your intention to attract specific things into your life.  But, ultimately, you want to let go of your desire . . . not like no longer caring, but more like believing you already received that which you desired.  Otherwise, your continual focus will remain on wishing for what you want, and noticing what you don’t have.  And, your energy will go to both things.

Instead, desire, intend, ask, and then believe that you received what you desired.  And because you have it, you no longer have to want it.  You can simply move straight into gratitude, thanking God for providing that for which you asked.

[End of Post]

Finding Yourself - Part II

2009-10-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am very happy to announce today that I am now incorporated in the State of California to do business as Strategies for Today, LLC. My website for my coaching business is also available as of today and may be found at www.strategiesfortoday.com. Even if you’re not interested in having a Life Coach, you may be interested in some of the information on my website – especially the entire “Philosophy” section. Please check it out and let me know what you think.
============================================

This morning as I was watching the Today Show, the interview of Katie Callaway Hall, who was interviewed by Meredith Vieira, caught my attention. In 1977, Hall was attacked and raped by Phillip Garrido, the same man accused of kidnapping Jaycee Dugard at age 11 in front of her South Lake Tahoe home and holding and raping Dugard for 18 years.

Hall, and her husband, Jim, had made the long drive from Las Vegas, NV to Placerville, CA to attended Garrido’s first court hearing on the Dugard charges. Garrido had been paroled from his 50-year sentence for his rape conviction of Hall after serving only eleven years. He is now accused of abducting Dugard just three years after his release from prison for the Hall rape conviction.

During the Hall trial, Katie Callaway Hall said that she was unable to look Garrido in the eyes. She had made the drive to face her attacker in an effort to find closure (my words). The thing that caught my attention was that Hall said (in speaking of looking Garrido in the face), “It took me by total surprise, my reaction, and I can’t even explain why — except to tell you on some deep, subconscious level, I reacted to this man in a way I didn’t expect to.” [italics mine]

She went on to say, “I thought this chapter was closed. I pretty much closed it and got on with my life. It’s always been just under the surface of my life, and I thought this was in its box and put away. But this Pandora’s box is open for me, and now I’m dealing with it again on a different level, like I’ve been victimized myself.” [italics mine]

Hall was surprised by her reaction. She said, “I just thought I’d look at him in victory: ‘You jerk. I survived. You’re going down.’ But it hit me completely different,” she said. “I almost broke down. I started tearing up. I couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t control it. I hope that that’s not going to happen next time. I hope I got that initial meeting out of the way and now I know what to expect.” [italics mine]

It’s a common saying for us that “time heals all wounds.” But that’s just a fallacy. With time, we learn to bury our hurts and our emotions. We stuff them down and pretend that they’re not there. Most of us don’t know what to do with them. And then when they come to the surface, just as Katie Callaway Hall said in her interview, we’re taken by surprise.

Just because we don’t think about our hurts or our emotional scars on a daily basis doesn’t mean that they’ve been healed! If we haven’t done the work to replace those hurts, they simply simmer below the surface, just waiting for a similar situation, a look, a certain word or tone of voice to present itself before they explode to the surface, surprising even us. In these times, our subconscious minds are simply reacting to the stimuli that remind us of the past hurt. We are not responding to the current situation. If we were, we’d find that we were over-reacting to it. Over-reaction is a big clue that tells us when we’re reacting to something other than the situation at hand.

Another point of interest is that Hall said that she felt like she’d been victimized herself when facing Garrido. Our subconscious minds hold the memories of every single moment in our lives in storage for us. They hold every event, everything said, every smell, every color, every word spoken, and every thought related to each event. And, the subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between real life and a memory. So, when the memory and the emotions of an event are triggered, the subconscious mind brings that memory to the forefront of our minds and it really is like we’re in that event again.

These events do become a part of who we truly are. The Bible reads, that “…out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45, NKJV) When we realize we are not responding to what is before us, but we are reacting to something from our past, that’s a sign that there is something we’ve buried that needs to be healed. Unless we work to heal those wounds from the past, we will never be free of the emotional hurt that we suffered in relation to those wounds.

Finding Yourself – Part I

2009-10-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

While sitting in a seminar some years ago, I heard the lecturer make a statement that at the time I didn’t agree with. He said [paraphrased]:

You think that you need to be separate from others in order to find yourselves. You believe that your identity can only come to the surface if you are not surrounded by others, working in teams or in groups. You believe that you need to be separate in order to be noticed or to really find out who you are. But none of that’s true. You only find yourselves in teams. You only find yourselves when you are working with others.

As I said, I was in complete disagreement with this statement.  Yet, as you can see, the thought continued to stay in my mind, every so often, coming to the surface as if to say, “I’m still here, take a look at me again.”  I would look at that thought, measure it to what I had experienced in life, and continuing to disagree with it, I would push it to the back of my mind.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I actually began to understand what the lecturer was saying all those years ago.  And, little by little, I began to believe that what he said is true to life.  (Isn’t it amazing what just a few years of living will do to increase our understanding and wisdom?)

I found, from my own experience, that working with others always brought out things in me that I didn’t know where there – both things that I liked and things that I didn’t like.  Working alone I wasn’t challenged to get along with others, I wasn’t challenged to be understanding of others, and I certainly wasn’t challenged to try and understand another’s views.  Working alone, I only had to deal with me and I got along pretty good with myself!  Working alone, I wasn’t stretched to accept any other views other than my own.  Working alone doesn’t cause one to grow like he would when working with others.

I finally understood what the lecturer had said.  When you give yourself to others, you don’t lose yourself – you actually find yourself! Working in teams shows you what’s inside.  It makes you aware of the things that you like about yourself and exposes those things that you don’t like and that you wish to change.  Working with others causes you to re-examine what you believe.  It challenges your beliefs and gives you insight into others beliefs so that you may choose differently than what you had believed before.  Or, it helps you grow stronger in what you already believed.

Working with others moves us much more quickly through the lessons of life that we all have to learn.  Just like rushing water helps determine what a rock is made of and polishes it over time, we need the friction provided by others to help us see what we’re each made of and to polish and mold us into what we are supposed to become.  Without the catalyst that others are for us, it can take us years longer to learn our life-lessons, which amounts to years of suffering that could be avoided.

If you are working with someone that is a challenge for you to work with, say a simple prayer asking that you be shown what it is that you are to learn from this person or from working with this person.

What Everyone Resists

2009-10-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever considered that we are all resistors (of others) in one way or another?  Some people resist any guidance from others or they resist taking any advice from another in a somewhat passive-aggressive manner.  Others resist being told what to do no matter who they are with.  While yet others resist even the directions they are given by those in authority over them at work!

What is it about being given direction that so threatens us that we seem to run from it?  I’d like for you to consider that there is a set of behaviors that we have in common with everyone in the human race.  And then also consider that one of those behaviors that we all share is that we all resist being controlled.

Our Resistance to Being Controlled.

Consider that one of the fundamental driving forces we all share is a resistance to being controlled by others.  Simply put, we resist being told what to do.  When we are working in teams at our places of employment, we resist allowing the outcomes of our circumstances (our fates) to reside in the hands of another (the team leader).  If we disagree with the direction that the team leader is taking the team, we fight against that direction in one of many ways: we become directly confrontational with the team leader, or we talk to others on the team to try and sway them to our way of thinking so that we can form a coup to show a majority stance against the leader, or we go over the leader’s head to someone higher-ranking in the company in order to try and convince that person of our way.

In my own life, one place where I’ve resisted another is in allowing my partner to navigate our way anywhere when he was driving us in the car.  In order to fully understand where I was coming from, you must first know that my story about my partner was that he had zero-sense of direction.  I tell you this not because it’s true about him, but because that’s the way that I viewed him for quite sometime.

If we were going somewhere in the car, I really held him accountable if he got us lost, or made us late in getting somewhere, especially if I had told him to take a different route or turn.  I would sit in the passenger seat and get really quiet.  I just wouldn’t talk to him (because that’s the adult way of handling disagreements – right?)!  I know that none of you have ever done this, but I’m sure you can imagine how well that strategy worked out for me/us!

Once I realized that I was being controlling every time we got into the car, and once I realized that I wasn’t allowing him to be responsible for getting us to where we were going, I decided to run a silent experiment.  I decided that I was going to allow him to be fully responsible for getting us to our destinations and I wasn’t going to be upset about him taking wrong turns, taking a route that I wouldn’t, or even getting us to our destination late.  I just was going to be in the car and not get upset!

Now there’s a big difference in the way that I prepare for going somewhere and the way my partner prepares.  I’m driven to not only know the address of where we’re going but I also have to know the phone number in case we need to call ahead and let someone know we’re going to be late due to traffic.  I will also typically have directions with me or I will have looked at a map enough to have a general sense of what roads would best get us to our destination.  My partner? – his preparation usually involved getting in the car, sometimes having the destination address, and using his trusty GPS.

At the beginning of the experiment, we would get in the car and my partner would just start driving!  I would ask, do you know where you’re going?  And he would say, “no, I thought you did.”  If I had the address, I would tell him so.  Then he would ask me to get his navigation system out of his glovebox and enter in the destination address for him.  Oohhh, how frustrating!  He was depending on me but only under his conditions and he still wasn’t conceding control to me!  Everything else, for me, was a lesson in taking control of myself by letting go of my attachments to “being right”, having things my way, having to be places early by a particular amount of time, or taking the route that I would take.

The part of my experiment that involved me not dominating and not getting upset turned into a lesson of accepting that which is rather than fighting against not getting upset (which as you know is a losing battle).

Ultimately, I ended up learning that my silent experiment was as much about me as it was about him!  I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time I was doing it, but more than allowing him to just be responsible, I was hoping that he would come to his senses and realize that my point-of-view (that he had no sense of direction and needed my guidance) was right and then he would ask for my help (knowing that it always works out better when someone asks for direction rather than receiving unsolicited advice).  So as you can see, my experiment was really just another strategy for me to try to get my way and get him to relinquish control of getting us to our destination!  (One might even say that I was being passive-aggressive.)

Take a look at your life now.  Where can you see that you’re being controlling and uncompromising about how things have to be?  Can you give up having to control those situations?  Will you give up trying to control those situations?  Can you accept that another’s way of doing something is just as valid as your way?  It may be that you have great ideas for cutting corners or improving a process.  However, if your ideas aren’t welcome or solicited, they’ll simply be ignored and that may leave you feeling unimportant, unwelcomed, or diminished.

Our position is that everyone has a place at the table.  That includes us.  So if you are feeling that you don’t have a welcomed place from which to share your ideas or opinions, look at where it is that you are trying to control the situation and ask yourself if you can give up that control and simply accept what is.  I think you’ll find that acceptance may ultimately not just give you a place to sit, but a place from which you are asked to speak, and possibly a place where your words are given great weight.

Incomplete Communications

2009-10-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

Several years back, my partner and I took a vacation with another couple who were good friends of ours.  However, this wasn’t the normal vacation we like to take (snorkeling at some pristine beach in the Caribbean), but it instead involved a lot of time together in the car as we toured the Northwestern parts of Nevada and California.  As we planned our trip and determined the places where we wanted to go, I could hear the voice of my mother in my head saying, “When you believe that you want to marry someone, take a long trip in the car together. That will test your compatibility.”

Before I tell you the rest of the story, let me ask you, “Have you ever had an incomplete communication with someone?”  What I mean by incomplete communication is:
a) the other person didn’t understand what you said
b) the other person didn’t receive your communication
c) you didn’t understand what was being said to you
d) you didn’t receive the other person’s communication    or
e) there was something that should have been said but never was.

These are all examples of communication that was left incomplete.

When an incomplete communication is in your space, it will come up for you every time you are around that other person.  It seems like it becomes a plaque of sorts because it doesn’t appear to diminish with the passing of time.  Instead, it just seems to drive a divide between you and the other person – a divide that after enough time has passed will seem insurmountable.  In fact, if enough time has passed, you’ll find yourself getting really reasonable about not completing an incomplete communication with justifications like, “I don’t need to bring up that old thing.  That happened a long time ago.” or “That’s water under the bridge.”

Unfortunately, incomplete communications of any kind will serve only to diminish the affinity that you can have for another or the affinity that he could have for you.  And truthfully, that’s one of the primary reasons you will want to resolve any communications that are incomplete.  The completion of an incomplete communication will immediately release the negative feelings that you have about that person.  It will open your heart to have more affinity for that person and it will provide you with peace of mind – all good reasons to complete your past incomplete communications.

One thing to remember though is that just because something was left incomplete for you does not necessarily mean that it is also incomplete for the other person.  It’s best not to project your beliefs or feelings onto the other person.  Simply complete with that person what was left as incomplete for you.  Then, your work is done.  If that thing was also incomplete for the other person, through your boldness and generosity of completing that thing, you will be giving the other an opening that he or she may not have had before.  That could be a gift of grace that will provide the other person with peace of mind and greater affinity.

So, back to my story, since I don’t enjoy traveling in a car for any more than 4 hours to reach a destination, I hadn’t, as an adult, had a lot of travel experience of being in a car and having to be responsible.  Boy was I in for a big awakening!  The big day came and we met at the airport to fly across the country from Maryland to California where we would pick up our rental car and begin our long awaited vacation together.

The first couple of days were great and we really enjoyed the camaraderie with one another.  After that, things went downhill quickly!  We couldn’t get the temperature in the car adjusted to everyone’s liking.  The music, too, was an issue of personal taste with little compromise.  Sometimes, the individuals who were driving would become agitated with the heavy traffic or his or her loss for direction.

After that, everything seemed to become a challenge: Finding a restaurant that we could all agree on; agreeing on what sites we would see that day; finding compatible entertainment at night to suit everyone’s tastes; and even seemingly unfairness in our accommodations – all of which were spoken of but never did the four of us just sit down and hash out our differences.  Not once did any of us take responsibility for the situation.  And never did anyone apologize for their words spoken out of anger or upset.

It was almost a year after our trip that I had finally had enough of these issues eating away at me.  I had never enjoyed a vacation any less than that one and I was stubbornly holding on to all of the wrongs I felt were done to me.  But, I couldn’t stand not having peace in my life.  I didn’t like the anger and the upset eating away at me.  So I picked up the phone and called my friend with whom I felt there was a communication left incomplete.

In our phone call, I took full responsibility for the way things went.  [Please note that when I say "I took full responsibility" I don't mean to imply that I took all of the blame.  Instead, I mean that I was declaring myself as being the one who would be responsible, or “at cause”, for how this matter would turn out.]  I took responsibility for how I had acted immaturely and for my words and actions which were not in line with who I say I am.  I told my friend how much I loved her and I told her what she meant to me.  I told her that I wasn’t going to tolerate anything that separated us like that again.  She said what she said and we ended the call.  Peace was present for me and my affinity for my friend was restored.

Sometimes it takes great courage or boldness to initiate this type of communication.  But the instant reward of completing something that was left incomplete for you and is standing in the way of you having a fully loving relationship with someone cannot be tolerated.  It doesn’t matter if it’s your boss, a coworker, a family member, a partner, or a friend.  The separation caused by something left incomplete should never be tolerated under any circumstances.

If you have an issue that has been left incomplete with someone in your life, I challenge you today to pick up the phone or drive to see that person and clean up your mess!  The rewards that you will reap are well worth it.

Are You More Like Your Mother or Father?

2009-10-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is based on the premise that we all have taken actions in our lives to be like, or not like, our parent(s).  This may immediately turn you off to the point that you no longer are interested in this article.  However, I would ask you to withhold judgment until after reading the full blog.  There just may be something in here that would resonate with you to a degree that will allow you to become more fully self-expressed.

Consider that at some point in your life, you made a decision that was something to the affect of: “I will not be like my mother.  She’s manipulative and controlling.” or “I’m going to be just like my mother when I grow up.  She’s self-assured and unafraid to stand up for herself.”  And those are just statements about your maternal parent!  The same thing happens with the father in a two-parent home.  A person will decide to be like his father, or not like his father.  Do you see the irony in this?

If you made a decision to be just like your mother, then your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by “being your mother.”  If you made a decision to not be like your mother, then your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by “not being your mother.”  I’m certain now that the irony wasn’t lost on you.  You can plainly see that regardless of which path you chose, your words, actions, and emotions are given to you by your mother.  I would never presuppose that all of your actions, words, or emotions are given to you by “being your mother” or by “not being your mother.”  There are a variety of other sources whom you may have copied along the way because you liked who you saw them being.

The same is true of your father.  You made a conscious decision (although it may be buried in the subconscious for some) to be “like your father” or to “not be like your father.”  Therefore, the personality of your adolescent and teen years were shaped and blended by you:
a) being your mother OR not being your mother
AND
b) being your father OR not being your father.
Isn’t that great news?!!?

Ok, I can hear imaginary groans from some readers at that last remark.  However, I do think it is good news and here’s why:

We human beings have the unique power to choose our attitudes, our emotions, our speech, our actions, and our personalities, just like we have the power to put on clothes.  I know that may sound simplistic but I use that analogy because it conveys an ease to it rather than struggle.  And our lives do not have to be about struggle!  Along our lives’ paths, we have picked personality traits that we saw and liked in others and we said to ourselves, “I’m going to be like that.”  Or, we saw personality traits in others that we had an extreme dislike for and we said, “I’m not going to be like that.”

Although we all came “pre-programmed” with a basic personality, we shaped and molded what we had been given to be the outward representation of who we are (and how we feel about ourselves) on the inside.  So why is that good news?  It’s good news because, if you chose to be a certain way, you can now choose to put aside that same way of being if it no longer works for you.  As we grow in knowledge and skills, we find that we no longer need to have certain ways of being that we previously chose for ourselves – possibly as coping mechanisms.  Regardless of the reason, once you see that you have a personality trait that isn’t producing the results that you desire in your life (or that’s getting in the way of you getting those results), you can choose to set that personality trait aside, just as easily as you initially chose to pick it up and put it on.

That’s not to say that you’ll never have to deal with that personality trait again.  We have learned patterns or ways of being that are deeply engrained.  Therefore, once we decide to make a change, it will take several days of working in the newly desired trait before it is engrained on top of the old one, essentially taking the previous trait's place.  So, until that happens, you have a choice in every situation where that old pattern starts to show up.  You can give way to the old trait or you can choose to only allow the new behavior.  Whatever you choose, know that it is your choice and your actions, behavior, and speech are not given to you by another – but they are only given by you.

Now that’s empowerment!

Why Planning is Tied to Success

2009-10-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to October 2009!  Today I was reviewing the remaining months until the end of the year and what I have scheduled to do and what I need to do.  That year-end deadline is just looming ahead and making me more aware than ever of how necessary it is for me to plan my days, weeks, and months as well as my month-end and year-end goals.

According to several “success gurus,” planning is one of the most important tools used by those who continually achieve their goals.  Of course, one has to start with goal setting.  And after setting your goals for the year and month(s), those goals need to be broken down into specific tasks that you must complete by specific time-lines in order to meet the goals by your decided-upon deadlines.

In his book, “The 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management,” author Hyrum W. Smith (founder and former CEO of the then, Franklin Quest Co.), writes about SMART goals.  He defines SMART goals as those that are:

Specific Measurable Action-Oriented Realistic and Timely.

He also writes that, “an unwritten goal is merely a wish.  Writing the goal [with the above mentioned attributes attached] forces you to be specific.  If a goal is not specific, you will have a hard time knowing whether or not you’ve reached it.”

For me, I have learned over the years that I accomplish more in a day if I have previously planned my activities for that day.  Of course there are some things that I plan well in advance and other things that occur every day or on the same day/time of every week.  My practice is simply to sit down at the computer at the end of each day and enter into my calendar program each task that I need to accomplish for the following day, giving it the proper amount of time required.

I then organize those “appointment/tasks” into their overall order of importance and schedule them for the times throughout the day when I believe I will be able to work on each to complete them.  I enter notes into each task/appointment of any of the things I need to complete that task including looking up addresses of where I need to go, directions, and things I need to complete prior to the appointment/task

Then, I sync my smart-phone up to my calendar program so that I have my planned list of to-do’s with me.  My reminder on my phone will prompt me of the next planned event as the time nears.  (Before I had a smart-phone, I would simply print out that day’s calendar to carry with me to meetings, etc.)

That’s my simple system for keeping things in existence for myself.  Besides writing down your daily goals, you must implement some sort of system that will keep those goals in existence for you.  Once something goes out of existence for you, you are sure to not complete that task.  That’s why many people feel like they are always playing catch-up – because they don’t keep their schedules in existence for themselves.

Lastly, I gather up anything that I will need to complete my next-day goals.  I don’t move quickly in the morning so I’m much more effective if I get things together in the evening before going to bed.  I’ll pack my gym bag, get directions, paperwork/forms, coupons, or whatever it is I will need to complete my next day goals, and have them ready to go at a moments notice.

Although goal setting is one of the most important steps to achieving your desires, I would encourage you to, above all, allow for surprises to occur during your day.  Look for spontaneity and other things that might require schedule negotiation but will fill your life with love and rich rewards.  Remember, you may not always schedule in a call with a cherished friend or loved-one but that call may be the thing that completely makes your day worth your investment.

Are You Being "Should" Upon?

2009-09-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life can seem like it’s coming at us very quickly.  When it does, our natural state of peace, play, and ease becomes disrupted and we allow in other things to occupy those spaces such as worry/concern, stress, frustration, and even dis-ease.

Notice that last one?  Dis-ease is really the preeminent reason for any sickness that comes into your body.  Any sign of dis-ease is a sign that you are not in alignment with what is happening in your life.  If this dis-ease is not dealt with as quickly as possible, it can lead to chronic stress, illness, and other things.

When I notice dis-ease in myself, the very first place that I look is inward.  I ask myself something to the effect of “what should be different?”  Typically, that will bring my attention to whatever it is that is causing the distress.  Sometimes I feel that I should be doing something other than the thing I am doing in the moment.  That might be a belief that I put on myself or it might be a feeling that I get from someone else.

For me, this dis-ease is commonplace whenever I take any kind of break.  When I ask my question (“what do I feel distressed about?”), I usually get back an answer like, “I feel that I should be working,” or, “I should be working out,” or, “I believe that so-and-so thinks I should be … (fill in the blank)!”  When you look at these responses, you can readily see that they all contain “should” or some form of “should” in them.

The word “should” is just as dangerous for us as comparison is.  Just like when you compare yourself to others for either the purpose of feeling better about yourself or making yourself feel “less than”, should statements always leave us with a feeling of “less than.”  We “should on ourselves,” we “should on others,” and we also allow others to “should all over us!”  Really, the only thing that we should do is banish the word “should” from our vocabularies!

If we remove “should” from our self-defeating inward talk and if we discontinue using the word “should” with others, we can create a better space for ourselves and others to live more freely with what we believe would be the best use of our time, energy, and efforts at any given moment.

The next time that a “should” comes up for you (or, in other words, the next time you feel “should upon”) ask yourself where that “should” is coming from and why it is there.  I would venture a guess that it’s there because of some concern or list of concerns that you have.  Possibly you’re concerned about how others will perceive you if you don’t do what you think they feel you should do.  Regardless of where the “should” is coming from, look at your concerns and simply ask yourself, one-by-one, if you can give up each of those concerns?  Once you confirm that you can, ask yourself if you will give up each of those concerns?  Again, once you’ve answered in the affirmative, and you’ve given up that self-defeating “should-talk,” you’ll find that your body is restored to its natural state of peace, play, and ease.

The Outline of a New Plan

2009-09-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm currently re-evaluating what is working for me and what isn't.  And, while this blog is important to me and I believe that it is benefitting both me and my readers, it also takes more time than I initially thought it would.

That being said, I am revising my initial commitment to this blog which was to post five blogs/week (one each day on M-F).  I am now committing to post three new blogs per week.  I will aim to do this as a Monday/Wednesday/Friday posting but there may be some weeks when I post my three blogs on different days, depending on what I have on my schedule.

I thank you for your continued readership and support of my work.  I also appreciate your feedback and responses to posts I’ve written.

I continually wish for you every good thing.

Rules for Being Human

2009-09-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

If you have come across the “Rules for Being Human” sometime during the last twenty-five years, you may have chosen to photocopy them and keep them in front of you on your desk or cubicle wall. These “rules” have been passed around and gained popularity over the years – while the author was yet unknown.

Now, in a book entitled, “If Life is a Game, These are the Rules,” author Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D. has not only claimed herself as the author of these Rules for Being Human, but she has expanded the explanations of each rule to provide deeper insight into the universal truths from where each of these rules came.

Below is a slightly expanded version of her rules taken from several various sources and compiled together for you. If you enjoy the following, consider purchasing the book.

The Rules for Being Human

You will receive a body.  You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for as long as you live.  How you take care of it or fail to take care of it can make a difference in the quality of your life.

You will learn lessons.  You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called “Life on Planet Earth.”  Each day, you will be presented with opportunities to learn what you need to know.  The lessons presented are often completely different from those you think you need.  Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.

There are no mistakes, only lessons.  Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation.  The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

A lesson is repeated until it is learned.  A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it.  External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state.  When you clear inner obstructions your outside world changes.  Pain is how the universe gets your attention.

You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change.  Wisdom is practice.  When you have learned the lesson (as evidenced by a change in your attitude and ultimately your behavior) then you can go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end.  There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons.  If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

“There” is no better a place than “here”.  When your “there” has become a “here” you will simply discover another “there” that will again look better than your “here.”

Others are merely mirrors of you.  You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.  When tempted to criticize others, ask yourself why you feel so strongly.

What you make of your life is up to you.  Life provides the canvas; you do the painting.  Take charge of your life -- or someone else will.  You have all the tools and resources you need.  What you create with those tools and resources is up to you.

You always get what you want.  Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract -- therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have.  There are no victims, only students.

The answers lie inside of you.  The solutions to all of life’s problems lie within your grasp.  Children need guidance from others; as we mature, we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written.  You know more than you have heard or read or been told.  All you need to do is ask, look, listen, and trust.

You will forget all this.

You can remember any time you wish.

Why Reality Is Subjective

2009-09-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

Most people, when they begin to hear the messages of, and believe in, the Law of Attraction, The Law of Faith, &/or Healing, they come to a point where they have heard enough to test their own wings, so to speak.  So they begin to believe for that which they desire and now understand that they can have.

However, stepping over into this new realm isn’t always easy.  And many people come up against the very same obstacle no matter what it is for which they are exercising their belief.  That obstacle is: what can be observed as the realistic present circumstances of one’s life through the five senses versus what one is believing.  And, when this comes up for some, they find themselves arguing for what they “see” as real versus what they are believing to be real.

One might say, “I’m believing for my healing but everything that I can see and feel, and everything that the doctors report as my condition tells me that the reality of the situation is that I have a serious disease and I need to subject my body to invasive medical treatment.”  However, the reality of any situation is never dictated by what one sees, hears, smells, tastes, or feels.  The reality of a situation is only given by what one perceives to be the truth.

The reality of me as a writer can only be given by the future into which I’m living.  If I only believe that what my five senses tell me is my current life as a writer will always be my life as a writer, I would discontinue writing for others immediately.  However, I choose to believe that I have a gift and I believe that gift will open doors for me to make a living through writing and doing other things about which I am passionate.  My life as a writer exists today because of my perception of seeing myself as a published author.  That life is the life I live into every day as given by the future I have created for myself.

We must always remember that believing in anything does not require us to deny the existence of our present circumstances.  In fact, faith allows us to say with surety, “although my current circumstances point to my insurmountable debt, I believe, and I therefore speak by faith, that all of my bills are paid and I am financially free.”  You see, faith can look into the eye of present circumstances and tell them to give way to the truth – the truth being what we perceive to be the reality of the situation.

The reality that we believe in is that everything on this earth is made up of the same thing – energy.  And just as the heavens and the earth were created by the language of God, we were created in His very image and we therefore have the same creative power to speak to the circumstances of our lives and command them to fall in line with the reality of the universe – that we create our lives, and we attract the circumstances that surround us.

Acceptance and the Art of Disappearance (Part 3 of 3)

2009-09-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Here we are on Monday and this is part three – the final section of this series of blogs related to agreement, disagreement, resistance, and acceptance.  As a recap, this all started last Wednesday when we were examining why inequality still exists in America today.  We found that the disagreement of a thing just as strongly binds that thing in reality as agreement does. Then, on Friday we began the inquiry of what we would need to do in order to no longer be participants in furthering negative thoughts and ideas in our world.  We examined the role of resistance and how it prevents us from transforming the things in our lives that aren’t working for us.  And, we ended with discovering that (while we couldn’t transform those things by stepping over them or going around them) we could transform situations by going directly through them.  And the avenue through which we have to go directly through a situation without changing it (because change = resistance, and resistance = persistence of a thing) is acceptance.

So, today we’re looking at acceptance of the things we’ve been resisting for the purpose of transforming those areas of our lives that are not working.  This is not for anyone who is satisfied with the way in which his life is going.  And, it’s not for the person who is faint of heart!  This is only for the individual who is ready to take control of his life, to transform non-working situations into working ones, and who is willing to take a hard, confronting look at his own self for the purpose of leaving behind those things that are not serving his highest purpose.

Following, I’ve listed the steps one needs to take in order to use the powerful tool of acceptance in order to allow for the disappearance of the limiting barriers from one’s life:

Firstly, pick the area of your life that you want to transform.

Next, you’ll need to take a hard look at what it is that’s not working.  Divorce yourself from the story of why it’s not working and separate out the facts of the situation.  To go through this process, you need to become disinterested in continuing to sell yourself the story you’ve been selling to everyone else.  You may have to become brutally honest to get to the basic truth.  Hint: Look for the area(s) where your complaint(s) lies and then look at your reasons.

Thirdly, pinpoint exactly what it is that you’ve been resisting.  Look for: what you’ve been angry about, what you’ve become complacent about, where you’ve been inflexible, what you’ve been trying to change, what you’re afraid of, what you’ve been trying to control or dominate, or where you’ve been in denial or become resigned.  Next, ask yourself why you’ve been resisting this thing.  List out each reason you have for your resistance.

Now, look at each reason, one by one, and ask yourself with each one: “Can I give up that concern?”

If you answer that you can, then ask yourself: “Will you give up that concern?”

Go through your list, until you’ve determined that you are both able, and willing, to give up each and every concern.

Lastly, after you’ve given up each concern, confirm your acceptance of the thing by saying, “I acknowledge that (say what you’ve been resisting).  I accept that (say what you’ve been resisting) and I accept it exactly as it is and exactly as it isn’t.  I no longer need to change it, control it, complain about it, fear it, or be in denial about it.  I allow it to exist with no further judgment from me.”

That’s it! Now look back at what you’ve accomplished.  You’ve determined to no longer resist what you had been resisting.  Instead of trying to change it, you’ve accepted it exactly as it is without trying to alter it.  And, now, you’re on the other side of it.  As you look back at the issue, you’ll see that it’s either disappeared completely or it’s still there in present form but it no longer holds any power over you.  In fact, you’ll find that you simply feel free of that thing – regardless of whether it still exists or not.

Since we sometimes learn best by example, I am sharing the following with you as an illustration of how one can put acceptance into immediate use in his or her own life (using the steps outlined above) and thereby allow for the disappearance of issues that are plaguing him or her:

Jill was a very busy advertising executive.  She was a very bright and attractive woman and was highly sought after because of her ability to constantly produce advertising campaigns that worked well for her clients’ product sales.  But there was something that was continuously holding Jill back in her personal, and sometimes in her professional, life.  It was her weight.  Jill wasn’t overly obese.  She weighed around 45 lbs. more than a person of her height should.  She said that she worked long and unpredictable hours which interfered with her ability to exercise on a regular basis.  She had been on several diets – some of which had provided temporary and limited weight loss – but most of which had not produced the results that she desired.  Those that had produced real results were so restrictive or limiting that Jill found it hard for her to stay on them.

While she seemed to have it together in her professional life, Jill’s personal life was another story.  Her weight-consciousness kept her from accepting invitations to go out on dates.  Since putting on the extra weight, Jill had to allow herself 30 extra minutes to get ready for work because she could never choose what she wanted to wear.   (She felt that everything she put on “made her look fat.”) Her self-esteem had been so badly damaged that Jill no longer went out of the house except to go to work or to see family.

Jill sought out help from a therapist in order to regain her lost self-esteem.  She said that she wanted to get past her “mental-blocks” that were preventing her from staying on a diet and exercise program.  Jill said she was ready to do the work necessary to lose the weight.

Since Jill had already identified the area of her life that she wanted to address, Jill’s therapist asked her to tell her all of the reasons she had for not accepting herself exactly as she was.  Jill’s list included: (1) not liking the way she looked, (2) not liking the way she felt, (3) being overweight wasn’t healthy, and (4) she felt that people treated her differently since she was overweight.

For each issue, Jill’s therapist asked her if she could give up her concerns about that issue.  For instance, for the first item on her list, she asked Jill, “Can you give up your concerns about how you look?”  When Jill decided that she could give them up, her therapist asked her if she would agree to give them up.  Jill answered affirmatively to each question.  When she had completely given up her concerns, Jill’s therapist asked her to repeat the following after her.  She said, “I acknowledge that I am overweight.  I accept that I am overweight and I accept my body exactly as it is and exactly as it isn’t.  I no longer need to change it, control it, complain about it, fear it, or be in denial about it.  I allow my body to exist with no further judgment from me.”

Suddenly, Jill’s eyes had a sparkle in them.  She told her therapist that she felt free from being overweight for the very first time.

Jill’s therapist then took her through two more exercises of the same type.   The first one focused on her complaint about exercising and why she couldn’t do it.  The second one was focused on her complaint about diets not working or being too difficult to follow.  After completing the three exercises, Jill said that for the first time in 10 years, she felt free to choose whether she wanted to exercise or not and she felt free to choose what she wanted to eat.  She stressed that she was now free from the burden of needing to exercise or avoid exercising in order to keep her complaint about her weight in place.  The same was true for dieting and eating.

Two months later in a follow-up session with her therapist, Jill had lost 10 lbs! She said that she repeated her "new mantra" (about being overweight and accepting herself exactly as she was and exactly as she wasn’t) to herself every morning as she looked in the mirror and got dressed.  Jill said that the acceptance of herself and her weight was the single factor of her success.  She said that when she gave up resisting her weight, her weight ceased to exist as a problem for her.

She told her therapist that since she accepted herself as she was every day, it gave her the freedom to choose to exercise and to choose what to eat.  Finally, she was really free to choose to eat healthily or not.  She could freely choose to exercise or not and with that freedom she found that she made her choices based on what she really wanted and not based on old patterns of complaining about a problem that just wouldn’t go away.

A Question of Zen

In a book entitled, “Zen Without Zen Masters,” author Camen Benares provides some insights, questions, and Koans of Zen on which one may meditate.  I am sharing one of these insights (“Good News, Bad News”) here as follows:

Good News, Bad News
There’s good news tonight and bad news. First, the bad news: there is no good news. Now the good news: you don’t have to listen to the bad news.

After meditation upon this insight, the reader will see that he is getting news and he is only getting news. There is no good news being delivered. And, there is no bad news being delivered. There is only news. All the rest is what we’ve tacked on.

As you look newly at each issue in your life, allow yourself to see the issue for the simple facts of which it is comprised, without all of the story added. After all, the story is made up of the stuff that we’ve each tacked on. We get to say what is true for us. And, we’re the only ones who get a say in the matter.

Resistance Causes Persistence (Part 2 of 3)

2009-09-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

LOL! Yes, I’m laughing as I write this because I had no idea how my last blog was going to turn out. Neither did I know what I was going to write in today’s blog! But the funnier thing is that I’ve added in this opening paragraph after having written today’s blog. I now see where I’m going (I can hear your sighs of relief) and realize that this must be part two of a three-part blog. There was simply too much information to write in any single blog and these three blogs are broken down into their own central themes so that the overall information can be more easily absorbed. That being said, I hope you have a blessed weekend and enjoy today’s blog.

In my last blog (“Why Does Inequality Exist?”), I left off in the inquiry of “how we, as individuals, can transform ourselves to operate so that we are not furthering (keeping in place) the conversations and realities of sexism, racism, hatred, bigotry, homophobia, etc.” As a recap, in that blog I wrote about the Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang which are complementary opposites of a whole. I provided commentary from Wikipedia which read, “Yin–yang is not an actual substance or force, the way it might be conceived of in western terms. Instead, it is a universal way of describing the interactions and interrelations of the natural forces that occur in the world.” I devoted the blog to writing that the disagreement of a thing is actually as powerful a cause of that thing “living” in our reality as agreement is. I wrote:

Consider that the more we disagree with something, the more real it becomes. And, consider that disagreement actually holds agreement in place. (Remember our mantra?. . . the theory of renowned Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung who stated that “what you resist, persists.”) In fact, you may wish to consider that the primary function of disagreement is to create agreement.

So, since disagreement is just another form of resistance, I want us to take a broader look at the nature of resistance. Firstly, let’s look at the definition of resistance. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines resistance as:

1a: an act or instance of resisting : opposition b: a means of resisting
2: the power or capacity to resist: as a: the inherent ability of an organism to resist harmful influences (as disease, toxic agents, or infection) b: the capacity of a species or strain of microorganism to survive exposure to a toxic agent (as a drug) formerly effective against it
3: an opposing or retarding force
4a: the opposition offered by a body or substance to the passage through it of a steady electric current b: a source of resistance
5: a psychological defense mechanism wherein a patient rejects, denies, or otherwise opposes the therapeutic efforts of a psychotherapist
6: often capitalized : an underground organization of a conquered or nearly conquered country engaging in sabotage and secret operations against occupation forces and collaborators

So, taking our queue from definition #3 above, for the purpose of this blog we’ll use the following as our definition of resistance: “the act of an individual using an opposing or retarding force against some one or some thing.”

Now, to better understand the nature of resistance, let’s take a look at other forms of resistance that we use.  (Some may even be methods or strategies we don’t normally think of as resistance but, nevertheless, they still are.)  Some forms of resistance are: boredom, anger, jealousy, inflexibility, rudeness, complacency, stubbornness, changing, complaining, bitterness, back-biting, gossiping, “being right” (about one’s own opinion), self-righteousness, indignity, fear, manipulation, controlling, dominating, denial, and becoming resigned about the situation.  Quite an interesting list, huh?  You may have been surprised by the inclusion of some of these ways of being I listed here.  If you’re still skeptical as to whether something belongs on the list or not, take a look at the definition of resistance we are using and see if you can find an example that might fit.  If it doesn’t fit, throw it out . . . you won’t hurt my feelings.

So, if we’re looking to get past something (but we know that resisting it won’t work except to cause it to continue on, or persist, in our lives) the only way we can get past that thing is through transformation.  This can be the transformation of yourself or transformation of that thing.  (Just remember, that if you’re going to control the outcome of your life, the only person you have control over is you.  So, it will be much easier to transform yourself than to wait for some situation outside of you to transform itself – if it ever does at all.)  Remember in my very first blog on this site (June ’09), I wrote that transformation is “giving up one form for another” as in “giving up being an orange for being an apple” and I used the example of a caterpillar giving up the only form it knows to become something completely different (a butterfly)?  Transformation isn’t the same as change because change always seeks to improve on what’s already there; it seeks to alter what’s already in existence.  In this case, transformation will provide us the opening to give up one way of being and to choose another.

You can’t get around it or over it or to the side of it because those are all forms of resistance.  So, transformation has to be present in order for one to directly impact the thing he is currently resisting.  Instead of trying to change the issue or side-step the problem, the only way to not resist the situation at hand is to go directly through it.  So how does one go through an issue he’s been resisting?  Simple. . . he does so by using the art of acceptance!

(If you remember, I’ve blogged about acceptance on here a few times.  If you haven’t read those blogs, just look over in the tag cloud on your right (the thing that has the orange words against the black background) and mouse over the tag cloud to get the labels to spin.  When you find the word “acceptance,” click on it and all of the blogs in which I’ve written about acceptance will appear on the same screen for you to read.  You may wish to read a few of these just to be sure you understand where I’m coming from when I write about acceptance.)

Check in here on Monday when I will post the final part of this three-part series.  I will be blogging about what acceptance is/isn’t and I will explain all of the benefits of acceptance from the standpoint of transforming any situation you have been resisting.  Until then, I wish you every good thing.

To Be Continued . . .

Copyright ©2009. All rights reserved.

Why Does Inequality Exist? (Part 1 of 3)

2009-09-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

When I look at where we have progressed to in today’s society, and when I look at the incredible bravery of so many Americans who stood up for that in which they believed, I’m saddened to see that we still have so much inequality running rampant in our country. So, why does inequality still exist today? What causes it to continue to be part of our shared reality?

Consider that the more we disagree with something, the more real it becomes. And, consider that disagreement actually holds agreement in place. (Remember our mantra?. . . the theory of renowned Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung who stated that “what you resist, persists.”) In fact, you may wish to consider that the primary function of disagreement is to create agreement. As an example, I offer racism. If racism did not exist in some sort of shared reality, we would have no reason to disagree with it. It simply would not be. If it didn’t exist, there would be no reason for the disagreement of it. Therefore, it’s perfectly sound and logical to infer that racism exists because of agreement and that the agreement of racism continues to be held in place through disagreement.

In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang are generalized descriptions of the antitheses or mutual correlations in human perceptions of phenomena in the natural world, combining to create a unity of opposites.   The term "liang yi" (simplified Chinese: 两仪; traditional Chinese: 兩儀; pinyin: liǎngyí) literally means "two mutually correlated opposites," also known as Yin and Yang.

According to the philosophy, yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole.  Everything has both yin and yang aspects, which constantly interact, never existing in absolute stasis.  It is impossible to talk about yin or yang without some reference to the opposite: yin–yang are rooted together.  Since yin and yang are created together in a single movement, they are bound together as parts of a mutual whole.

Yin–yang is not an actual substance or force, the way it might be conceived of in western terms.  Instead, it is a universal way of describing the interactions and interrelations of the natural forces that occur in the world.  It applies as well to social constructions – e.g. value judgments like good and evil, rich and poor, honor and dishonor – yet it is often used in those contexts as a warning.

Yin always contains the potential for yang, and yang for yin.  Yin and yang are balanced: yin–yang is a dynamic equilibrium.  Because they arise together they are always equal: if one disappears, the other must disappear as well, leaving emptiness.

Source: Wikipedia

So to further explain, in the concept of Yin and Yang we can see that there cannot be “hot” if there is no “cold.”  There can be no “sin” if there is not “righteousness.”  And there can be no “good” without “bad.”  If you consider this, I think you will find it to be true.  There would be no reason for the concept of evil to exist if all we had was good.  Good would cease to be good.  It would just be the way that everything is and thus we would not require a name for it.  There would be no need for a name as we would have no need to distinguish it from anything else.

If you immediately consider God however, you might say that God exists regardless of anything else.  To this end, you must realize the difference between the person,”God,” and the concept, “God.”  (I write person because even though we know God to be a spirit being, we still relate to him as if he were a person.)  So, the person, “God,” exists without having an opposite or any other.  The Yin-Yang philosophy does not apply to the “beingness” of humans or deities – only to concepts – describing the ebb and flow of how the world works.

The concept, “God,” exists only because there is an opposite – “Satan.”  When we view God as concept, we are thinking of His attributes such as: Good, Benevolent, Loving, Healer, Omniscient, Omnipresent, etc.  When we view Satan as concept, we likewise are considering his attributes such as: Bad, Evil, Destroyer, Tempter, etc.  Each concept named above, must have an opposite in order to exist.  If I asked you to prove God, you would most likely try to relay to me an experience you have had of Him through the expression of one of His attributes.  But in trying to prove God’s existence based on an experience of one of His amazing attributes, you will always fall short of proving Him because your argument will merely focus on proving the existence of an attribute of God (and therefore also proving the opposite attribute of that which you are trying to prove).

There seems to be no way to empirically prove God.  Therefore, should someone ask me to prove God, I would have to (arguably wisely) say that I cannot and I would point him to the scriptures that read:

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” - John 1:1 (NKJV)

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” – Hebrews 11:6 (NKJV).

Any beliefs that you or I have about God will most likely diminish him.  We don’t have to have beliefs about God.  If you believe in God, your beliefs about Him are completely unnecessary.

The same is true for you and me.  You don’t need to have beliefs about me.  You believe in me because you have experience of me.  Therefore, any beliefs you make up about me, will most likely diminish my ability to be powerful for you in your life.  The only way to get past this, is to give up any and all beliefs you have about me and just let me be – exactly as I am and exactly as I am not.

So where does that leave us?  Well, it still leaves us with the question of how we, as individuals, can transform ourselves to operate so that we are not furthering (keeping in place) the conversations and realities of sexism, racism, hatred, bigotry, homophobia, etc.  I will go into this inquiry in my next blog.  Until then, I wish you every good thing.

To Be Continued . . .

Copyright ©2009. All rights reserved.

Comes the Dawn

2009-09-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

In conversation with a new friend yesterday, I was reminded of this poem that I was very affected by when I first read it. I came home and immediately looked for the book in which I knew I had first read the poem. I found it in a book I had purchased several years ago entitled, “Please Don’t Say You Need Me,” although the author of that book (Jan Silvious) did not author this poem. She included it in her work as additional support for her writing.

I offer the same here, as a poem that contains much truth and is as applicable today as it was for me back then. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

               Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
     Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
     And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren’t contracts
     And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
     With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
     You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow’s ground
     Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling dowin in midflight.
     After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
     So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
     For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
     That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
     And you learn and learn . . . and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
                                  - Veronica A. Shoffstall

Managing Your Word

2009-09-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve blogged here before about how we are predispositioned to be “judgment machines” (not in those exact words).   We tend to judge others for their words, their actions, how they dress, what they look like, how they speak, how they carry themselves, and on and on and on.   And, while we judge others, we typically are judging ourselves, comparing who and what we are to how we perceive others to be.   What we may not be so aware of though, is how we judge others according to what they do as compared to what they say they will do.

After a while, we develop a sort of listening for others based upon our perceptions about them and based upon who we “know” them to be.   Part of this knowing is our past-based knowledge of what a person does as compared to what he says that he will do.   For instance, I know that when a certain friend tells me he will be here at 7pm, I can virtually depend upon him to arrive by 7:15pm!   If he’s going to be 30 minutes late or more, he will usually call to let me know.   I have other friends on whom I can rely that they will be punctual to the time they have given me, or they will communicate to me that they will be late as soon as they know that to be the case.

In the listening that I have created of my always-15-minutes-late friend, there is a whole world in which he occurs for me.   For meals that require precision timing, I plan them for after the time in which I know that he will arrive – not when he said he would arrive.   For events that begin at a specific time, I arrange to meet him somewhere at least 30 minutes earlier so that we’ll be on time and not miss the beginning of the show.

Knowing how we develop a listening for those around us then, we can begin to see that they also develop a listening for us.   They begin to know us either as our word, or as we are compared to our word.   For me then, managing my word becomes a matter of integrity.   It’s important to me to manage my word and be accountable to it as if everything I say is an actual promise.   If those around me relate to me as my word, then in partnership with them, I can create whatever it is that I need in my life.   And, if those around me listen to me as my word, then when I am truly in need of help, I can count on getting the exact aide that I need.

When I do not manage my word, my life doesn’t work nearly as well.   My relationship to time suddenly changes.   All of a sudden, my days go by very quickly and it seems as if there is not enough time to do what needs to be done.   The way that I know myself to be loses velocity because I know that I don’t manage my word with integrity.

Managing your word, or being your word, is truly a matter or integrity.   And it is something that will make the most marked difference in how well your life works or doesn’t work.   Living a life of integrity means that one always honors his word.   Notice I wrote “honors” and not “keeps.”   That’s because a person with integrity will do everything in his power to keep his word.   But, when he knows he will be unable to do so, in order to preserve the honor of his word, he communicates his inability to keep his word to the person to whom he gave his word.   So, a person of integrity will always honor his word even when he cannot keep it.

Managing our words, then, becomes a way of life for those who want their lives to work.   We manage what we say because we bind ourselves to those words.   We manage what we don’t say so that we aren’t bound to empty promises that will cause our words to lose their weight with others.   When what we say is the same as what we do, others listen to us differently and regard us in different light.   They begin to know us as people of our word and they align with what we say because they know that what we say defines who we are.   And that becomes the framework for living created lives and living lives that we love.

In This Life, All We Have is Our Word and Our Choice

2009-09-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

I don’t mean that as if to say that those are the only two tools that we have to use in life.   But, what if they were?   Consider the possibility that your word and your ability to choose really are the only two tools that you have and every other tool you have at your disposal is simply a function of your word or your choice.

Consider that people only know you as who you say you are.   That should stop some of us in our tracks right there!   I can almost hear a simultaneous gasp from all of our self-deprecators as they think, “but if I don’t make fun of myself, someone else will and that hurts me worse.”   Certainly, poking fun at one’s self can be humorous and set others at ease.   But, if you lived your life as if people only knew you as who you say you are, I’m asserting that your self-deprecation would occur differently – both for you and for others.   The words themselves would be different. And others would respond differently.

In truth, we create the conditions into which we live, by our words and our choices.   We make choices every day and we fail to call them for what they are.   We like to tell others that we had no choice. Or, we say that this is my only choice.   But, that’s absolutely not true.   You can choose that which is before you, or you can simply not choose it.   In some eyes that would occur as not choosing at all, which is of course, in itself a choice.

However, the power at stake here is not simply found through some slight of hand with semantics.   The real power of choice that is available to you, is in you choosing powerfully what it is you desire.   And if there is only one choice, the real power is in choosing what there is to choose, or choosing to not choose.   In any of those paths, you will have chosen. You will have made the decision.   And because you chose powerfully, you are in control of the outcome of that choice.

This is a much more powerful place to stand – being in control of the outcome of the choice – rather than being at the effect of the given choice after not choosing.   If you do not choose, you will always find yourself at the effect of the un-chosen choice.   That’s not wrong.    And it will certainly get you sympathy and pity if that is what you are after.   It’s not that one way is right and the other wrong.   It is simply that choosing places you in a position to do something about the consequences of the choice.   If you never choose, you can never win because you will always be steamrolled by the consequences of not choosing!

Living Your Life with Intent and Purpose

2009-09-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

Our lives are clearly given (or, shaped if you will) by our beliefs. And it is through our beliefs that power is given to our words and actions. If we live our beliefs, then our words and deeds will be shaped by those beliefs and they will bear greater weight in the eyes and ears of those around us. It’s the same phenomenon that’s present when someone shares with you about that which he is passionate. When we hear and see the passion in another, we our moved with the inspiration conveyed in that person’s communication.

This same conveyance of energy is present for others when we act according to our convictions. Those around us may not always agree with what we say or do. But if we are acting out of our passion or conviction, they will be moved and freely see that we are doing what we believe to be right.

In that same vein, there is a power that is made available to us when we operate with intentionality. When we intend to accomplish something, there is a rigor and a discipline that is present in us, and there is a power that is present for us to make that thing happen. And while intention can be given in the moment, it is most powerful when it is given by the purpose we have in life.

What we have purposed for our lives, or what we see as our life’s purpose, gives us additional power to produce that for which we are living. And along with that power, comes the additional power added by our intention to live out our life’s purpose. Those who are living without purpose may find that they are getting along just fine in life. But they will lack that something extra, that added spark of excitement one has to get up in the morning or to produce that day what one has planned to produce.

I’ve seen a hundred times over a phenomenon that I believe most of us have seen. In my life, I’ve had many co-workers or friends retire from work and many have retired to do nothing. In my eyes, there is nothing more harmful for someone than to be about nothing. Not only are the people who are about something the ones who make a difference in the world, but they are also the people who have something for which to live. Once someone retires, if he has nothing to live for, the pattern I’ve witnessed is that he dies earlier than his given life expectancy. When we’re about nothing, we have nothing to live for; nothing to wake us up in the morning; nothing about which to be excited.

Finding our passion gives us something to live for. We all of a sudden are up to something in life. We are up to creating something that’s bigger than who we have known ourselves to be. And, we suddenly will find renewed purpose, power, energy, and life-sustaining force that will be evident in our every word and action.

If you don’t know what you’re passionate about or what your purpose in live is, it’s not too late to find it. Be watchful of your emotions. Look to see what lights you up. You might be timid in expressing it to anyone right away because you haven’t had time to be with it yourself. Once you key in on that which you love, begin to imagine that as your life’s purpose. You don’t have to know how it will come about. That’s up to God and the Universe. We don’t choose the channels and we don’t choose the how. Just allow yourself to begin desiring a life in which you are living your passion. And be prepared to take action once inspiration for action arises within you.

Does It Not Look Like It Was Supposed To?

2009-09-03T05:00:00.000-07:00

It’s difficult as a blogger to fully express a thought or idea in just a few paragraphs or a page. There are so many variables that can be at play in any given thing. So, there may be times that you disagree with what I’ve written because it may seem like a blanket statement. I’ve tried my best to lay groundwork on this blog to develop my basic philosophies of life. But, if one has not read all of the previous blogs, or if too much time has elapsed in between the like-ideas I’ve written about, it may seem that my world-view is somewhat slanted.

While the idea of blogging is that one is able to reach many people with short bursts of information, it has a downfall from the idea of a book in which someone can develop concepts, one on top of the other, to take a reader to some destination. I write this simply to request that you keep this in mind as you read my writings. I don’t believe that one blog will ever fully express how I feel about one subject or idea. Nor can I imagine that one blog would provide all of the information one would need to transform a certain area of his life. That being said, I do welcome any feedback, arguments, or ideas you have that may differ from what I’ve delivered here. Unless I know how you are taking in the information, I’m blind to the changes in delivery that I may need to make. So I want to extend a hearty thank you to all of you who have provided feedback thus far.

Thank You for your correspondence and your readership!!!

In our humanity, we have a predispositioned way of being which is to compare everything!   We compare where we were to where we are now.   We compare ourselves to others.   It’s part of our nature to judge and assess our lives, the lives of others, and everything in-between.   It doesn’t have to be that way and you may even know someone who has transcended above being that way.   It is something that can be transformed and, to do so requires a lot of intentionality!

But, seeing as how this is where most of us “live,” I thought it might be of help to draw your attention to this pattern that we have.   If you examine your life in its current state, you might even be able to quickly identify an area of your life that does not look like you had thought it would.   Maybe you imagined you would have more money.   Or, maybe you thought your health would be in a different state.   Possibly you’re living somewhere you never imagined you would live.   Or maybe your family structure looks differently than you would have believed.

What is it about that area of your life that looks differently from what you had thought it would?   Right now, how would you assess the difference?   Do you think that it’s good / bad?   Is it a workable situation or is it unworkable?   Do you find yourself wishing it were different or are you satisfied with where you are?

When we find ourselves in a place of comparison, there will always be one thing that we hold as better and the other as worse.   In our eyes, there is a clear winner and a distinct loser.   And, when we allow ourselves to get into that place of comparison, we will always find ourselves on the losing end!   Not so much because we always believe that everyone else is better off than we are, but because the mere act of comparison leaves us disempowered to be fully self-expressed and to allow the same of others.

There is a point-of-view (or state of being) that can provide us greater power in these areas.   And this more powerful place to stand is in the realm of satisfaction.   Just as a cold bottle of water can provide great satisfaction to your body if you’ve been working hard in the sun, learning to be satisfied with what we have and where we are in life can be equally rewarding on an emotional level.   Our well-being is completely affected by our satisfaction of life and of our present circumstances.

Being satisfied does not mean that you can’t, or shouldn’t, desire more out of life.   Our lives are meant to constantly be expanding.   However, there’s a certain peace that takes over when you can learn to be satisfied with where you are and what you have.   From that satisfaction, gratitude will be a natural expression for you – gratitude for what you possess, for who you are, and for the people in your life.   And, when gratitude abounds, joy springs up within our souls.

Take a few minutes to reflect on your life.   For what are you grateful?   If something doesn’t look like you thought it should, can you allow it to be as it is for right now?   If you can be satisfied with the conditions of your life right now, I promise you will find a place of peace and joy.   But satisfaction is a moment-by-moment condition.   It’s continuously an option to choose to be satisfied or to choose not to be.   The choice, and its consequences, is yours.

Copyright ©2009.  All rights reserved.

Letting Go – Allowing Your Desires to Manifest

2009-09-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the experience of wanting something really badly? You thought about it and thought about it. You focused a lot of your thought life on it. And you maybe even prayed for it. Then, once you didn’t get it, there may have come a time when you just let go of it? I don’t mean that you let go as if you no longer wanted it. I simply mean that the grip it seemed to have on you suddenly loosened. And, while you still wanted it, you no longer had to have it. Then, once you let go, that thing you wanted all of a sudden manifested for you?

I’ve had this experience in my life at several different times over the years. In fact, it happened again in the last couple of days. And while I don’t believe that my few experiences are enough to base any solid belief on, I did notice something else that coincided with this happening – I had a total shift in my being.

If you are a regular follower of this blog, you know that for the entire month of July I blogged solely on the aspects of The Law of Attraction and Faith. And you also know that I firmly believe that we create our own experience of this life. So, it will come to no surprise to you that I regularly re-examine what’s present in my life and what’s missing. That’s just part of the process that I use to plan and create the life that I want.

And in the work of creating, I always stand in possibility. I have to first create the possibility of something happening before I can believe for it to happen. So, along these lines, I have been using a daily affirmation for sometime. It is an affirmation related to the health and healing of my body. And just to provide a little more background on this affirmation, it’s based in my firm belief that our bodies were created to heal themselves. Most everyone has had experience with this. Even a small cut on your finger will heal itself within days.

As background, what most of you probably don’t know is that I was born with a bicuspid aortic valve. Simply put, our heart valves have three flaps where my aortic valve only had two. And after awhile, the two flaps on that valve began to wear out and were allowing blood to flow back into my heart. At the same time this was discovered (Nov ’07), the doctors also discovered an aneurysm of 9 cm. on my ascending aorta which put me at critical risk. If the aneurysm were to rupture, there would be no chance of saving me as I would bleed out internally very quickly. Along with these two conditions, my body just seemed to go out of whack in several areas. And so even though I had a very successful open-heart surgery in December ’07 to replace the valve and repair the aneurysm, I was still left with several physical issues to deal with besides allowing my body to mend and recover from the surgery.

That being said, towards the end of last year, I declared that 2009 was going to be my year of health and healing. I planned on getting into the best physical shape of my life and ridding my body of all ailments. I threw myself into chiropractics, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, massage, and found a good functional-medicine primary care doctor. I underwent an elimination diet to determine if I had any underlying food allergies. And, I began reading everything I could get my hands on and understand about modern (non-surgical / non-prescription) healing techniques and methods.

So anyway, last year during my recovery, I started declaring an affirmation several times I day. I would say to myself, “My body is healing itself. It continuously replaces diseased and damaged cells with new, vibrant, and healthy ones.” It actually took me a couple of weeks of alterations to come up with that particular wording and I felt that it thoroughly encompassed what I believed and for what I was standing.

But in the past few days, something shifted in my being. On the one side, I was standing in what I saw possible for my future. And then, after this shift in my being, I was all of a sudden standing in what I now see as having been already accomplished and as being in my past. I don’t mean to say that anything physically has changed. But the shift in my being was simply this letting go that coincided with a knowing that all of the things I had recently believed for were already taken care of and would soon manifest. The culmination of this realization came on Monday night as I lay in bed. I started to declare my affirmation and it came out of my mouth differently! I found myself declaring, “My body has healed itself. It has replaced diseased and damaged cells with new, vibrant, and healthy ones.”

Interestingly enough, it wasn’t just my healing that I had been concerned with and for which I had believed. I have also been pursuing a new career in writing among other things. When this shift happened on Monday, all of a sudden my readership in this blog shot up (by more than 1,000%) overnight! Other things have also manifest relating to the other things for which I believed.

I’m starting to see that when we desire something so much, not letting go of that desire simply holds the wheels of motion at bay. When we can place the desired thing into the past, knowing that it has already been taken care of, we let go of the energy we have been using to hold on to that thing and that allows God and the Universe to take over. Moving ourselves spiritually and mentally from the state of desire to a state of having (even if we don’t yet see it physically), allows the manifestation of the desired thing(s).

Take a look at your life. Are there things you desire, on to which you are still holding? Can you let go now and leave it/them in God’s hands? There’s a huge difference in believing for something and knowing that something you wanted has already transpired. Place your desires in the past as a done-deal. Allow yourself to really feel the feelings of having those things for which you believed and you will have them.

Copyright ©2009. All rights reserved.

Falling In Love With Yourself

2009-09-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first day of September 2009!    This year seems to be flying by quickly.   And now that school is back in session, the summer seems a blur.   With all of the events we’ve encountered this year, I thought today’s blog should be about something we could all use more of – and that is the love of ourselves.

Have you ever considered that you fall in love with others, partially, as a manifestation of falling in love with yourself? This isn’t yet a belief that I’ve fully established but more of a working notion. I can imagine that some of you may have readily dismissed this notion thinking that there are so many things about your spouse or partner that you now don’t like.   Let me explain.

I believe that what we ultimately enjoy about others is what they bring out in us.   In other words, I love being around people who bring out the things in me that I love.   I love to laugh and have fun.   And I love to be around people who bring that out in me.   We usually say that “so-and-so” is a fun person to be around.   But, have you ever stopped to think that it is you who is fun when “so-and-so” is around?   Yes, it might be true that he is a fun person.   But, I believe you’ll also find it true that you are equally fun when you are around him.

I’ve found it to be true for me that what I dislike in others are the same things that I dislike about myself.   I tried for years to hide that from my own view so that I wouldn’t have to face it.   But, just as that is true for me, so is the opposite.   I find that what I like in others are the things that I like in me.   The things that I admire others for are also qualities that I possess.   You may not readily see this for yourself.   We’re funny creatures that way – in that we don’t often like to see the good in ourselves.   We’re typically very critical of ourselves and yet go to great lengths to defend our thoughts and actions to others!   It seems paradoxical to me.   But, if you don’t see that the qualities you admire in others are actually qualities you possess, I would challenge you to consider that simply as a possibility.   Just consider the possibility that this is the way it is rather than just dismissing it.   And then look for yourself to see if it is true or not.

I might even go one step further and say that you can only admire in others what you also have in yourself.   And, I’ll assert that if you didn’t have those admirable qualities, you wouldn’t notice them in others.   We can really only see in others what we see in ourselves – both the things that we admire and the things that we detest.   It’s not that others don’t possess other attributes.   But, we generally reflect others to others, just as they reflect us to us.

It might be true that another is freer in a certain area than you.   Or, that another is more demonstrative of a certain attribute than you.   But, that doesn’t mean that those attributes are not in you.   They just may not be as exercised as they are by someone else.

You see, any attribute you have must be exercised just like a muscle.   In order to develop in any area – joy, love, happiness, peace – you must exercise that muscle in order to more fully develop your level of adeptness.   Practicing being joyful will allow you to have fuller and fuller expressions of joy.   Surrounding yourself with people who bring that quality out in you will also exercise that muscle.

What attributes of your character do you love?   Which ones do you want to display more?   You can have more laughter in your life but it will take practice.   And, it will take surrounding yourself with people who share that same quality with you and bring it out in you.

Consider the possibility of falling in love with yourself again.   As a child, you loved yourself fully without consideration.   Consider now, the possibility of setting aside any considerations or concerns you have about any lack of character you think you may have.   Can you give up those concerns?   Is that a possibility for you?   If so, give them up.   Allow yourself to love yourself freely once more.   Learn to embrace yourself fully for who you are and what you have to offer the world.

Truth and Transformation Only Exist In Agreement

2009-08-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

In my blog of July 31, 2009 (“Our Worlds Are Created By Our Words – Part II”) I explained that our worlds only exist in language. If you haven’t had a chance to read it yet, please do so as it will provide the needed background for this blog’s topic.

And, once you understand that everything that exists, exists in language, you can get to the understanding that everything exists as simply a series of conversations. We ourselves are simply a network of conversations. Our doubts, our fears, our desires, our abilities, our memories, and our inadequacies all exist in language as conversations. And while some conversations are never spoken out loud to others (they’re really just monologues or memories of conversations that are in our heads), in order to produce lasting transformations in our lives, we must first transform the conversations we have about those things that need to be transformed.

You see, living inside of our heads never produces anything. It is only in communication that we accomplish anything. Why? Because all of life is simply a series of conversations. Money is a conversation. Sex is a conversation. Work is a conversation. These conversations do not always have to be words communicated between two people. A “conversation” (in its simplest form) can simply take place in your head. However, for us to influence anyone else, or, for anyone to influence us, the conversation must live outside of ourselves; outside of our heads. In other words, the conversation must live in words spoken. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it this way, “Conversation is a game of circles.” If we don’t like the way our life is in the area of finances, we should look at the conversation we have concerning money. How are we related to it? What would be a more empowering context to choose so that we can shift the conversation from one of lack to one of abundance?

For a conversation to become transformed into a reality (or a belief-set), it must have agreement. For example, the

U.S.

monetary system is simply a conversation that has agreement. A one dollar bill, in and of itself, has no intrinsic value with the exception of the paper that it is printed on. However, because we agree that it has value, and we have built a system of trading and bartering around our monetary system, the one dollar bill has implied value. (Yes, Fort Knox exists and still holds gold that’s in place to “protect” the value of our dollar but the value of that gold was long ago exceeded by the amount of money printed and owed by the U.S. Federal Government.) In that same vein, a one hundred dollar bill has no more value than a one dollar bill. Yet, because we agree that it has a value that is one hundred times the value of a one dollar bill, it has greater value to us. This is how we create our mutual reality – through agreement (also called “agreement reality”).

If you offered someone on the street a choice between receiving a one dollar bill or a one hundred dollar bill, he would undoubtedly choose the one hundred dollar bill. Again, if the value of the bill were only the true value of the paper that it is printed on, the person wouldn’t care which bill he received. But, because he agrees that the one hundred dollar bill has more value than that of the one dollar bill, he will choose the bill of greater value (the one hundred dollar bill).

This same concept is used for everything that we believe – regardless of whether that belief is in a material thing or a metaphysical thing. On an atomic level, protons and neutrons didn’t exist until the scientific community “discovered” them and there was agreement that they are real things. (That isn’t to say that they weren’t real prior to discovery or that they really didn’t exist. However, we had no knowledge of them; and, consequently no agreement within conversation about the realness of them. Therefore, to us, they did not exist.)

An atom only exists because we say that it exists and we have agreement. On a subatomic level, a quark only exists because of agreement. Few people have ever seen a quark – we everyday laymen of science certainly don’t see them. We can’t hear or touch a quark. It is not something that can be believed in through our five senses. Yet, there is agreement that a quark is a “real” thing; that it has certain characteristics, and that it is one of the smallest particles of an atom, making up protons and neutrons.

It’s much easier to understand this principle with metaphysical things than it is with material things. Stay with me now. A tree on a hill only exists because of agreement reality. If others agree with me that there is a tree on a certain hill, then it is/becomes “real” and it exists. If no one agrees with me that there is a tree on a certain hill, then that tree does not exist. For dog to exist there must be agreement between me and others that dog exists. That does not mean that there aren’t truths that exist without agreement. They’re just not commonly agreed upon truths and therefore they are not part of our shared agreement reality.

So, why does agreement reality make a difference to you and me? Because of the conversations we have about our lives. If I’m stuck in a conversation about my finances that isn’t working for me; in other words, it leaves me disempowered, then I need to disrupt my conversation(s) about money and get into agreement with others about what my finances look like. This is more important for you than for the others that are involved. While the power of 2 or 3 people believing something the same as you is greater than that of just you thinking it, the benefit is really in your putting your conversation “out there” rather than just keeping it “in here” (in your head). Getting agreement from others involves your speaking your word, out loud, and getting others to buy in to it. In order to do this, you have to have a greater belief in what it is that you believe.

Notice that if you’re timid about your belief or you’re unsure of something, you have a lot of difficulty speaking it out loud to others. You would much rather hold on to those thoughts until you’re sure of them before you commit them to being spoken to another. But, if you truly want to transform an area of your life, you’re going to be in a much more powerful position to do so if you commit your transformation to the spoken word and share it with as many people as possible. The more people that you share it with, the more real your transformation becomes for you. Just as the more the number of people believing in anything causes, through agreement reality, that thing to become more real in people’s lives.

Sharing your new possibility for transformation in any area, is key to developing agreement reality with others, and to cementing your own transformation, not only in your beliefs, but in reality.

Sympathy and Pity

2009-08-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

Before going into my thoughts about sympathy, I’d like for you to take a look at the definition of sympathy. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary provides one definition for sympathy as: “3a : the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another b : the feeling or mental state brought about by such sensitivity <have sympathy for the poor>.”

Feeling sorry for someone is a completely disempowering conversation. It not only disempowers you, but it also disempowers the person for whom you feel sorry. When we are disempowered around someone, we have no place from which to stand in order to be of help to them or others. Possibly, our only thoughts are of comforting that person by holding them, stroking them, or simply offering words of understanding or care.

[Please understand this in the light from which I’m speaking. I’m not saying that there isn’t a time when holding someone isn’t the appropriate action to take. Possibly after getting really bad news, learning that a loved one has passed away, or receiving a life-threatening diagnosis, people need to grieve. They need to be with the hurt, the pain, the sadness, and the possibility of losing someone, something, or the possibility that they might die. (A person must first accept his circumstances as they are before he can powerfully take action to transform those circumstances.) These are times when a person appropriately needs to be comforted.]

However, leaving someone in that state or condition for any length of time serves no purpose for us or them. If we really are living to serve others, we know that there is a need for us to help an individual who is in despair to see that there is hope available and provide him with a place to stand in order that he may make a difference in his life or the life of another.

Maybe you’ve had the same experience that I have when seeing a homeless person who has physical problems and limitations; or, someone who is sleeping on the streets, begging for money, and possibly doesn’t seem capable of caring for him or herself. Maybe you, like me, have turned away so that you didn’t have to look at him or her. Or maybe you stole glances when you thought it wouldn’t be too obvious to them. In that experience, how did you make a difference for that person? (I’m not putting anyone down here or trying to make you feel bad. I’m just pointing to something powerful that I want you to see.)

Consider this [and please, again, understand this in the light in which I write this]: we’ve seen millions of dollars poured into third-world countries in order to fight or eradicate hunger, pestilence, disease, and lack of shelter. In that outpouring of money, have we [the world] made a difference for those countries? Aren’t they in pretty much the same condition as when we first knew of their condition(s)? Is it possible that throwing money at a problem is not the solution? Could it be possible that changing our way of thinking about these issues and taking different actions might make a difference for these peoples and these countries? (Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is: “Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”)

Simply put, sympathy provides us with no place to stand powerfully for others or for their transformation. When we are operating out of sympathy, are we not simply disempowered persons trying to comfort other disempowered persons? What will the result of this always be – two persons left disempowered! How is that going to help the other person? How is that being of service to him or her?

Instead of taking on the disempowering context of sympathy, our minds should be set on thinking about things that would make a difference in the lives of others. Consider what would happen if we changed from being a sympathetic people to a people of compassion. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines compassion as: “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it” [underline added]. So, we see that compassion is needed instead of sympathy. And with compassion comes a desire to alleviate the state of affairs with which we are concerned.

Going back to our past way of being; as a nation it’s become habitual to simply throw money at situations of need which require transformation. Money, to my knowledge, has never transformed anything. If anything, consider that money is a magnifier - actually magnifying the issue(s) that it’s intended to “fix.”

I can’t help but look at the countries into which we’ve poured millions of dollars through government aid and countless charitable organizations in an effort to alleviate poverty, starvation, disease, etc. and I still see the same issues continue on with no signs of a slow-down of growth in sight. One simply needs to look at the nation of Africa and its AIDS pandemic. Money has been thrown at the problem, funneled in from many varied sources, and has provided AIDS related drugs to prolong the life-expectancy of those living with AIDS. Did the money stop the spread of AIDS, or lessen the death-toll of AIDS related deaths? Absolutely not!

There’s an old saying; a very wise Chinese proverb that reads, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Looking at this paradigm, I’m suggesting that giving money for the purpose of food, medicine, shelter, clothing, etc., doesn’t solve the problem – it only creates more need in those areas.

What does make a difference is education. Provide sex-education to the nation of Africa and school them on sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS prevention. Provide education to impoverished countries teaching their people to fish, farm, make clothing, and make crafts and other things that can be sold. Teach them of the services they can provide for others in order to make money. What works – and I state this by observation of things I’ve seen in this country – is to provide people with a vision of a state of wealth, a state of health, a state of self-sufficiency. Our focus on the need has created an endless reliance of others on our welfare.

In a nutshell, I’m saying that we have been responsible for creating and maintaining welfare states throughout the world by the acts of our charities. We’ve focused on giving – but we’ve been giving the wrong thing. Remember that seeing things through an eye of compassion seeks to alleviate the need – not create a dependency upon the hand that feeds.

Fear

2009-08-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

That which we fear will most definitely come upon us.

When we live in fear, we are exhibiting a form of resistance - - resistance to love, resistance to God. But we are also resisting the fear of the thing that we fear.

Remember, the universal law that resistance causes persistence? That is precisely what is in effect here. Rather than resisting fear, or resisting the fear of a thing, notice your feelings and notice your thoughts when you are feeling fear. The thing you fear is simply a pattern of thoughts being replayed from the past. Notice that you have fear. Notice everything that comes up for you around this fear.

Another thing to notice about fear is that it is at the root of everything that stops us. When you feel you can’t ask someone for help, fear is at the root. Maybe you fear looking bad in that person’s eyes. Or, maybe you have a fear of not looking good. Maybe your fear is of someone saying “no.” Is “no” so harmful? When you get a “no” from someone, don’t you have exactly what you had before you asked? Look closely and you will see that nothing has changed for you except now you are left with whatever meaning that you assign to that “no.” If “no” means rejection to you, then you aren’t simply letting “no” mean “no.” Fear is at the root.

Getting past fear isn’t always easy. You first must accept what is so about the situation. You need to look closely to understand where your fear is coming from. You need to determine if there is more than one source of fear and get real with yourself rather than making up stories or justifications about why the fear is present. You must stop hiding your true feelings from yourself if you’re going to get out of fear and into a place that empowers you!

There are two types of fear – authentic and inauthentic. Authentic fear is in play when you are being faced with real danger. As an example, you’re out walking by yourself and you have ended up in an unknown area of the city. It’s dark and you see a stranger approaching you with a gun in his hand. The type of fear you will be feeling is authentic fear. You are authentically in danger. There is something that is happening right now that is placing your life in danger.

Inauthentic fear doesn’t feel any differently to the body. The feelings you experience may be the same. But when inauthentic fear is present, you are in no real danger. For example, you are at work and you have been feeling pressured by your boss to perform at a higher rate. You have been fired from jobs before. The economy is rough, jobs are scarce, and you are feeling the fear of losing your job, the fear of not being able to feed your family, and the fear of not looking good in the eyes of your fellow employees, your friends, and your family. This fear is real. But it’s inauthentic. It’s all based on something you believe might happen in your future – not something that is happening right now.

Do you see the difference?

In order to get past the fear and into a place of power, you must get real with yourself about why the fear is present. Determine if the fear is authentic or inauthentic. If the fear is inauthentic, just distinguish it for what it is – the fear of something that you’ve determined could happen in your future. Then, make the conscious choice to replace the fear with love, with trust, and with peace. You can allow yourself to love and trust that everything will be alright just as easily as you allow yourself to have fear. It’s simply a matter of choosing to believe different thoughts.

Don’t be fooled by your bodily sensations. The same feelings you feel when you first fall in love are the same bodily sensations you have when you are afraid of something; butterflies in the stomach, lack of appetite, nervousness, sweaty palms. The bodily sensations are the same but the value, or assignment of meaning that we give to them differ greatly. Don’t be swayed by what you feel in your body. Choose love and faith over fear and you will be able to walk successfully in peace.

Listening Powerfully To Others

2009-08-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I want to apologize for not writing the last two days and reaffirm my commitment of writing everyday (M-F). I had exhausted my body through the course of last week and ended up with a well-being issue for which I choose to rest rather than push my body any further. Thanks to each of you for your prayers, thoughts, and concern.

Most of us probably believe that we are pretty good listeners. And, yet, when we examine our actions, we could probably all see some room for improvement. And though the subject of today’s blog is on listening, I’m going to write about listening differently than how you may have thought of it before.

Most of you are probably familiar with active listening – wherein you continuously give up any thoughts, ideas, or decisions you are making about the other person or his situation while listening to him speak. Rather than formulating your next response based on something he communicated early on in his last communication, you take a step back, and choose your communication after he has completely finished his speaking. This allows you, as the listener, to be fully present to everything that is being communicated rather than allowing your own thoughts to interrupt your ability to hear everything the other person is communicating in the moment.

In today’s blog, though, I want to write about the art of listening to the other from the context of who you know that person to be. To better frame this statement, let’s look at the definition of context. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines context as: “1: the parts of a discourse that surround a word or passage and can throw light on its meaning 2: the interrelated conditions in which something exists or occurs : environment, setting.” I prefer to use the second definition of “the conditions in which something exists or occurs.” In other words, it is a framework through which (or, for how) we view others / other things.

Choosing our context is extremely important because it, in essence, colors how we view something. In listening to others, I find it a very powerful place to stand if I always choose the context of listening to others for who I know them to be. [Now here I must provide explanation because I’ve repeated asked you to “give up” who you know others to be so that you can fully experience them. I’m not going back on that request so much as I am asking that you choose a very powerful point-of-view, or context, in which to listen to others.]

If we were to collectively name all of the great traits that we’ve personally witnessed in others, we might come up with a list like: powerful, compassionate, enduring, kind, strong, vulnerable, loving, peaceful, understanding, wise, joyful, grateful, playful, etc. What I’m suggesting, is that even if we don’t always portray all of these traits, they are available for each of us to manifest and they are hidden within each of us - - even though some of us haven’t yet learned to tap into them.

So, as an example: If my friend, Mark, tells me that he wants to talk to me and he goes on to tell me a story of how he was wronged and how badly mistreated he was by another, my predisposition is to give him my ear and sympathize with him. But that doesn’t call on him to be powerfully in action. My sympathy only solidifies his stance that he has been wronged and should not be to blame for the outcome. Rather, as a friend, I want Mark to live up to his full potential, taking responsibility for the matter, accepting how things are, and powerfully taking the actions he needs to take.

So, in order for me to listen to him powerfully, I have to choose a context in which to listen to him. Since he is coming from a place of no-power, I might choose a context of the opposite – power – in order to listen to what’s so but then provide him with grounded support that would move him powerfully into action. My response to him, might then be, “Listen, Mark. I know that you feel you were wrongfully accused and it sounds to me like you just want this to go away. But, the fact of the matter is that it’s not going to go away on its on. You must accept that this is what is happening now. Fortunately, I know you to be a powerful person. And because of your strength and power, you have the ability to face this situation head-on and take the action that is necessary for you to take in order to prevent it from causing further harm.”

When we get stuck, we don’t need friends around us who are going to sympathize with our “stuckness!” We need friends who will help us pull our heads out of the sand to see what’s really there and to motivate us to be all that we can be in the situation.

I challenge you this week to give up listening to other as their cares and concerns. And instead, listen to others as you know them to be.

Are You Living Your Life or Just Trying to Understand It?

2009-08-21T05:27:00.000-07:00

I’m going to make a very bold statement at the beginning of this blog and I hope that I won’t lose you immediately. In fact, I’m going to be making several bold assertions – many of which you may want to disagree with immediately. My request of you is that you stick with me and finish reading the entire blog before weighing in with your judgment and agreement/disagreement.

In our humanity, our predisposition is to immediately judge each thing said, or written, to determine if we agree with it or not. I’m requesting that you set aside that predisposed way of being and take on considering that the possibility of what I’m saying is the truth – not so much as “really, the truth”, but more so just a valid point of view as a powerful place from which to look at something. Just be willing to consider that anything written here could be true and suspend judgment until after you have read the complete blog.

In life, understanding is the booby prize.

Both “understanding” and “beliefs” are barriers to our freedom. The problem is, we can be going along living our lives, but as soon as we switch over into an analytical mode concerning our lives, in that instant, we are failing to live. You see, living is an experiential thing. Living requires interaction, feeling, movement, and always, always being present. That’s the part that gets us every time – that “always being present” thing!

Those of you who have had supernatural experiences will be able to get this concept rather quickly. You had an experience. And, work as best you can, you can try to relay that experience to someone else. But, in all of your explanation, the person to whom you’re relaying your experience will never experience that same experience in your sharing it. At best, that person may have had a previous similar experience and be able to comprehend what you are sharing due to likening his experience to yours.

The subject of Life doesn’t lend itself well to academia. We try to make it fit. We can come very close with the sciences of biology, physiology, anatomy, chemistry, quantum physics, etc. But, each of these only draw parts of a picture – one that must be completed by adding each of the other parts and then you’re still absent some things. No matter how hard we try, we can explain life but only in terms of providing relational understanding to another – never experience.

We could use the analogy of a road map. I can draw for you (or at least make a good attempt at doing so) a map of the city in which I live. I can show you on the map where it is that my house is located. I can show you where on the map you could go to find particular places of interest. I can show you on the map where you will run into the ocean or the bay and I can show you where you will find mountains and beaches and parks. But in all of my demonstrations, you can’t actually get anywhere by sitting behind the wheel of your car and driving onto my map! My map, is only that; it’s just a map, a blueprint. It’s a representation of what exists but it isn’t a collection of the actual things that exist. You can’t actually visit me at my home by standing on a particular location on the map! We can agree that would be ludicrous. And, yet, that’s much of how we attempt to “live” our lives.

You see, a man may have a belief about the type of job he should have, how he should act once he has the job, where his job should be located, what will be expected of him, etc. But his belief will actually prevent him from experiencing that job once he gets it. Instead, he will be living his “belief” and dealing with how things are as compared to how they should be based on his belief. His belief about the job will totally destroy his ability to experience the job unless he chooses to abandon his beliefs about his job and simply experience his job exactly for what it is and exactly for what it isn’t!

So, in a nutshell, I’m asserting that having a belief in God, kills God. You might argue that one must believe that there is a God in order to experience God. I’m asserting that you must not have beliefs about God if you are to ever experience Him. [Please note the difference. It’s not the believing in God that causes the problem. It’s your beliefs about God that can interfere with your actual experience(s) of Him.] Do you believe in human beings? (I’m assuming that you answered that question affirmatively.) The thing is, you’ve experienced human beings directly – you know them and you know that they exist. Therefore, your beliefs about human beings are totally unnecessary.

You can have a belief about God. But, then if you were to experience God; I mean really, really experience Him, you’d probably find it difficult to come up with a single, worthwhile belief about what you’ve experienced. I’m asserting that what you would experience as God would far surpass anything that you could every come up with simply as a belief. Just like a route on a map, a belief may provide you direction to get to somewhere or something, but to actually experience that thing, you must not be tied to the belief – you must only allow it as a pointer.

The greatest roadblock to having the experience of something in our lives is the acquisition of knowledge about that thing.

As an example, the more that you know about God, the less you will be able to experience him. The more insight you have into me, the lesser your experience of me will be – if at all.

I realize that sounds like a bold statement but here’s the thing. As human beings, we want to put things in a box; label things if you will. The more we know about something, the more confined the box gets. We narrow the walls, the ceiling, the width, all in an effort to categorize that thing. In all our work to define and distinguish that thing, what we’re really doing is diminishing it.

As human beings, we listen to others and we view their actions through filters. The filters we listen through are those we put in place based on the information we have acquired about others. For example: if I know from past experience, that my mom has never ventured out into water – whether to swim or boat – I might make that mean that my mother has a fear of water. This could be the case or it might not be. If I don’t ask her, or she doesn’t specifically tell me the reason, all that I know is nothing. What I think I know is simply made up. Yet, because I’ve made up this meaning or story, I listen to my mom through the filter, “my mom doesn’t like water” OR “my mom has a fear of water.” Therefore, when my mom & dad come to visit me on the West Coast, I never schedule any activities around water since I “know” that my mom has a fear of water.

What is true here is that my mom watched her father and brother-in-law both die in a double-drowning in a river where her family was swimming. My mother was four years old at the time. While she never learned to swim, my mom loves to be in and on the water. Does she have some fear around water? Probably. Does it stop her? Definitely not!

What’s in play here is that if I don’t allow people to be who they are, without listening to them through the filters I’ve put in place (or, in other words, without giving up my knowledge and understands and beliefs of them), I will never have the full experience of who they are. Also, my filters won’t allow for people to have room to change or grow. Therefore, I could never experience my mom as someone who enjoys being on the water. In fact, I wouldn’t experience her at all in that capacity. I would only “know” her as the story I invented in my head. My “knowing” will always diminish her and it will entirely prevent me from experiencing her for who she truly is.

What Did You Expect?

2009-08-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

We’ve all experienced the disappointment of a failed expectation – where something we expected to happen didn’t. Maybe we expected someone to act a certain way and they didn’t, or maybe we expected praise from a boss or a spouse and we didn’t get it. As a child, you probably had a few Christmases or birthdays where you can recall expecting a certain present that you didn’t receive.

We’ve grown up to believe that life should contain disappointments – failed expectations. We use the phrase with one another, “well, what did you expect?” as if to imply that the other person was foolish to expect anything more than he or she got. Sometimes it seems that we can’t win for losing in these types of situations. It’s almost as if we shoot ourselves in the foot because, on the one hand, if you don’t expect more of others, how will they ever be called up to operate at a higher place, and, on the other hand, if we set our expectations above what they normally give, we’re bound to be disappointed.

I have a theory that I’ve been testing for some time now. It’s really a way of being that I’ve taken on and it has worked miracles for me and for the relationships I have with those in my life. Understand that I am not asserting that this will work for everyone or even for every situation. However, for where I am in my growth process and in my life, it’s a theory that has proven itself valid over and over again.

Consider that if you expect the most that a person is able to give, and accept what he offers as if it were his very best that he could give at that time, you have created a win-win situation – both for you and for the other person. You’ve set the expectation for the people with whom you choose to engage, that you expect those who engage with you to always give 100%. This calls others to action. It makes them accountable. And, it provides them with a knowing that you have the faith in them that they can perform at this level.

At the same time, you accept whatever is given to you as if it were perfect. It may not have met your expectations but it might be that it was all the individual could give at the time. Look at it this way: do you ever perform at an optimum 100% all of the time? I suspect that you don’t. Illness may sometimes slow you down. Lack of sleep due to other commitments can get in your way. Lack of exercise or improper eating habits may make you feel sluggish or make your brain feel “foggy.”

There are many reasons that someone might not meet your expectations. But rather than think about the situation from the other person’s point-of-view, we typically just get caught up in how our unfulfilled expectations affect us, and how they leave us feeling. More than likely, the other person wasn’t “out to get you” (although that may sometimes be the case), but was rather plagued by his or her own concerns and issues.

Just in line with my blogs on acceptance, this is yet another opportunity to accept another exactly as he is and exactly as he isn’t. It doesn’t mean that there may not be a time when you want to have a conversation with an individual about what is working and what isn’t working in your communications and with your expectations, but consider that we’re all in our own timing of learning the lessons of this life. We’re not all at the same place nor will we ever be. Having compassion on those who may not have learned a lesson that you already have, is a great lesson to learn and to put into daily practice.

What Do Guilt and Shame Achieve?

2009-08-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

At one time or another, we’ve all had to deal with feelings of guilt over something that we said, did, or maybe just felt. We’ve possibly even added a good-sized, self-serving of shame to our guilty feelings for our transgression(s).

If you think back to the last time that you felt guilty about something, you would probably agree with me that your feelings of guilt and shame ran so deep that you didn’t want to confess to anyone what you had done. You couldn’t imagine that anyone would understand and you lived in the fear of being judged by others. We are quick to judge ourselves and we live in fear of being judged by others.

Guilt and shame make up the hat tree upon which we hang our righteousness. I believe that we partly make ourselves feel guilty and shameful in order to prove that we are righteous. If we weren’t righteous, we reason, we wouldn’t feel any guilt or shame for wrong-doing. By feeling guilty, we prove to ourselves, and sometimes, we believe, to others, that we are good and righteous people. We feel bad when we should and that’s how we’re supposed to be.

In our humanity, we are predisposed to making ourselves feel good or feel bad. We constantly sit in judgment mode – even of ourselves. But, the first thing that we need to recognize about guilt and shame is that they are not what make us holy. Our goodness is evidenced by having a voice of conscience. And it is our conscience that is our voice of reason; letting us know when we have done something wrong. Guilt and shame are what we apply in our humanity, based upon the voice of our conscience. However, neither of these feelings are the voice of conscience. They are both just side-effects that we apply because we think (as good people) we ought to.

But look at the difference between your conscience and guilt and shame. Your voice of conscience lets you know when you’ve done something that you should not have done; something that would cause hurt or suffering to yourself or another. Guilt and shame serve only to condemn you into hiding your actions, or thoughts, from others. Your conscience moves you to seek forgiveness from another while guilt and shame cause you to want to hide your actions. Your conscience seeks to move you to a higher plane of being while guilt and shame seek only to lower your morale into the lowest of places.

Guilt and shame are both self-absorbed, self-obsessed ways of thinking. If you feel guilty about something, you tend to punish, rather than forgive, yourself because you believe that you deserve it. Living in guilt provides no platform for you to be in a powerful position to drive your life forward. In fact, guilt and shame are killers of potential, killers of possibility, and killers of power. They provide no avenue for change; no jumping off point. They only allow for one to be stuck in his or her low feelings of self-esteem. Another difference is that guilt and shame always serve to separate you from others and from God while the voice of your conscience seeks always to draw you closer to others.

A person with whom I sought counsel years ago, told me that “people love to talk about what brings other people shame.” What a golden bit of wisdom that was for me. It brought light to a lot of places in my life where I had been hiding who I was from the people whom I loved and with whom I co-existed. I realized for the first time in my life that when I no longer lived in shame, and was open about my life with others, the conversations and whispering that had previously gone on behind my back all of a sudden stopped. My life was no longer fodder about which others cared to gossip.

The next time you want to feel guilty or ashamed, I hope that you will remember this blog. Refer to it as often as necessary to realize that guilt and shame are self-absorbed ways of being. No good thing comes from either of these feelings. Yet we choose them because we believe that we should, or because we believe we should be punished. If your conscience convicts you about something, seek forgiveness and make the necessary change. But, whatever you do, do not allow yourself to get into condemnation. That’s just a last-ditch effort at proving your righteousness to yourself.

Acceptance – Part II

2009-08-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

In my blog of Friday, August 7^th, I wrote about acceptance in relation to people and defined acceptance as “the act of accepting.” I wrote that acceptance was simply accepting another exactly as they are and exactly as they are not and that acceptance should not be confused with agreeing with or condoning the actions or speech of another. Rather, we should look at acceptance as the beginning of love.

But, acceptance is also hugely important in our lives when we look at the situations in which we find ourselves. Many of us believe that justice will always prevail. We believe that only good things will come our way because of the lives we live. And we fail to believe that an outcome of injustice could possibly befall us. While those beliefs are good ones to have, they are not always realistic. And, in fact, those beliefs can render us impotent in being effective should we find ourselves in a less than optimal situation.

Have you ever heard someone exclaim, “I can’t believe this!” or, “This can’t be happening to me!”? Maybe you or someone you know has proclaimed their disbelief of a situation by saying, “This can’t be right” or, “It just isn’t fair.” Getting hung up with the rightness of a situation or your deservedness to be in a situation is a trap! It’s a trap that will continue to pull you under so that you eventually will be unable to keep your head above water and the enormity of the situation will swallow you whole.

But that doesn’t have to be the way things come to closure. What happens in these situations is that we must be fully aware of what is happening. We must be profoundly related to every detail of what is happening and be fully present to it. Getting caught up in the trap of “unfairness” is simply a form of resistance. When we resist the situation, it will persist.

This principle, to my knowledge, was first presented by Carl Jung (1875 – 1961), noted Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology known as Jungian psychology, when he wrote: “what you resist, persists.” This is a hard concept for many of us to grasp. Our predisposed way of being has us resist everything that we are against, everything that we don’t believe should be, and anything that is a hindrance to us. But, let me provide an example and see if that makes this an easier concept to comprehend.

Let’s say that I’m driving down a gravel road in the country. It’s pitch black out and there are no street lamps. It begins to rain which only helps to obscure my vision. All of a sudden, a deer runs out into the road in front of me. Knowing the damage that’s possible upon impact, I swerve to avoid hitting the deer. My car skids on the gravel and the next thing you know I’m off the road, in a field, where the tires on my car seem to be buried half way down into the mud.

At any given point in the above illustration, if I didn’t have a profound relation to the reality of what was happening and accept what was happening, I could have found myself in a much bigger mess. When the rain began I could have been caught up in that and been stuck with the “fact” that I didn’t deserve to be in this situation. If I were really stuck there, I might avoid turning on my wipers because my belief that I didn’t deserve what was happening would come with a corresponding belief that the situation would change because it wasn’t deserved!

When the deer ran out in front of me, I could have been stuck in my belief that this was really unfair. The belief that something is unfair also comes with a corresponding belief – the belief that the situation will change because only things that are fair and right should come my way. I could avoid swerving to miss the animal believing that it would move out of the way of my vehicle because it had unfairly run into my path. But not swerving could have caused irreparable damage to my vehicle and could have even cost me my life.

Finally, being stuck in the muddy field I could have muttered about how unjust this situation was. I was now stuck in a muddy field in the pouring rain in the middle of the night with no one around to help me. I could say to myself, “this isn’t happening to me. I can’t believe this. This isn’t fair and it can’t be happening.” But the only thing that my resistance would provide me is to keep me stuck in the very same place. I would be taking no action to change my situation – only steaming over the unfairness of it all.

But, once I get related to the reality of the situation, I can put aside whether or not something is fair. It doesn’t even matter what judgment I make about the situation. The fact is, what is happening, is happening. And if I don’t do something about it, I will do nothing but persist the situation because of my resistance. Once I get related to my reality, I can decide to use my cell phone to make a phone call, get out of my car and walk to try and find help, or choose another course of action. Resistance, besides causing the situation to persist, also paralyzes us to the point of inaction.

There are many forms of resistance but a few are: tuning someone out, refusing to believe that something is true or even possible, inactivity, complaining, back-biting, undermining another, and complacency. You may find other ways in which you resist others or you resist the reality of events in your life. Start seeking them out to see where it is that you are in need of a reality tune-up.

So where does that leave us? We need to look at accepting what is happening in the world and in our lives. I’m not speaking of acceptance as the result of favorable judgment, but acceptance that what is happening, is happening. World hunger is happening. We must accept it. Fighting against it is just another form of resistance. If you want to change what is, work on feeding the world – not on fighting world hunger! If your finances are not where you believe they should be, you must start by being profoundly related to the reality of your finances and accept that they are where they are. Then, you will be in a place to take action; not an in-action of resistance, but an action of creating a budget and a plan that will work to bring you to where it is you want to be.

Perceptions – Part II

2009-08-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of days I’ve been blogging about how we, as humans, have a propensity to make up explanatory stories about ourselves and others. So, along that vein, I wanted to write a second part to my previous blog on “Perceptions.”

As a quick refresher for those who have already read that blog, I’ve posted bits and pieces from my previous blog below:

We all have powers of perception when it comes to “reading” others. We perceive people to be upset, to be dangerous, to be lighthearted and fun to be around, and to be serious and void of humor.

While perception is a valuable tool for us to use in our communications with others, there is a particular trap we often fall into when it comes to perception. This trap, of “preconceived notions” isn’t reserved for people we’ve just met. It also interferes with people we’ve known for a long time.

If we only relate to others as we “know” them to be, we never leave room for them to change, grow, or transform. They can only “be” who we perceived them to be. And, in our worlds, once they do change, we don’t see it because we’re never looking for it. We’re only looking for the evidence of what we “know” to be true about them. And, we will always find the evidence we are looking for to support our assumptions / perceptions about others.

So, today’s blog is really a simple exercise that will move you into a place of letting go of what you “know” about another. If you’re anything like me, when you see an exercise, you’re probably tempted to just read it and see what you glean from it. But, I promise you, that the value of this exercise is in actually doing it.

So, please grab a clean piece of paper and write down the name of the individual you want to use for this exercise. I would recommend using a spouse or partner or a family member – someone to whom you are very close and have daily interaction.

Now, take as much time as you need and write down the answers to the following questions as related to the person whose name you wrote down:

What is it that I already know about this person?

What opinions do I have about this person?

What judgments do I have about this person?

What are his or her strongest attributes?

What’s wrong with him or her?

What decisions have you made about this person?

What true about this person?

What does this person think about me?

What is this person's relationship to money?

What is this person's relationship to sex?

What is this person's relationship to communication?

What is this person's relationship to intimacy?

What is this person's relationship with me?

Whew! You’re finished with that part; now for the fun part:

Look over your lists of the things you think about this person and the things you believe that he or she thinks about you. Where did all of those ideas come from?

I’m guessing that you didn’t write down how you see this person in the future.

And, the present is happening now, and now, and now, and now. So, you couldn’t have gotten your notions from the present because each present moment quickly becomes the past moment.

So, I believe that you’ll agree with me that everything you believe to be true about this person came from your past experiences of this person. Could this person have changed and you have not recognized it?

I wrote in my previous blog that “In order to compensate for this ‘trap of perception’, we must give up, anew, our previous perceptions about a person each time that we interact with him or her. Only then, do we allow another the space s/he needs to be fully self-expressed as who s/he is, in the present.”

Consider that your intimacy with a person is directly related to your ability to be with who he or she is in the moment. We’ve always looked at intimacy as something that we feel, based on the happenings or events of our past. But, really, intimacy is being able to share exactly who you are at any given moment and the person with whom you are sharing being able to understand that and not let past interactions interfere with his or her perceptions of you in the present moment……and, vice-versa.

Now, look at the list of things you wrote down once more and ask your self these questions:

What would be possible with this person if I could give up knowing all of this stuff, and could discover him or her newly?

What would be possible if I engaged with him or her as if each time we met it was new and I would look for what’s present instead of what’s missing?

What would be possible in our relationship if she or he listened to me newly each time? Would he or she discover things about me that he or she didn’t already know?

Task yourself this week with discovering the people around you, newly, as if you were meeting them for the first time and see what a difference in makes in your affinity for them.

Stories – Part II

2009-08-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

In yesterday’s blog (“Stories – Part I”), I demonstrated how we make up stories about others. The stories we make up about others are given by: (1) our general beliefs about life itself (this is a good source for you to use if you’re ever having trouble identifying your core beliefs -> i.e. what are you saying is true about others?) and (2) our past experience(s) of these people.

The truth of any situation is that we make up our own interpretation of the events in our lives and we decide what’s true about them. According to that truth is how we then live, speak, and breathe. So, today, I want to look a bit closer to home. Because the stories we make up about others, as related to us, come directly from our past-based beliefs about ourselves – particularly those stories which are self-defeating. To illustrate this, I’m going to use an example that I read somewhere, & which includes a few of my own embellishments.

Let’s say that you’re out working in your yard and you find yourself in need of a shovel. Since you don’t have one, and rather than buy one, you decide to see if you can borrow one from your neighbor. It’s 9am on a Saturday morning. You go over to your neighbor’s house and knock on their door but there’s no answer. You know your neighbor’s basic routine and you see their car is in the driveway so you “know” that they are home. You knock on the door a second time and no one answers. Thinking they may not hear the knock, you ring the bell and wait for a minute. There’s no answer to the bell. You ring the bell a second time and wait another minute; but, still no one answers. You sooner or later realize no one is going to answer the door so you leave. But, what you and I don’t do, is we don’t just leave. Instead, we always assign some significance to an event like this. And we assign the significance immediately.

So, as soon as you’ve given up on the hope of your neighbor answering his door, you assign your meaning to the event. You leave only after you’ve assigned some meaning to that event. [Note how quickly this happens in real life.]

Before you leave, you could decide:

a) The neighbors don’t like me and that’s why they didn’t answer the door.
b) The neighbors didn’t want to lend me their shovel so that’s why they didn’t answer the door.
c) The neighbors may have been right in the middle of a hot breakfast and that’s why they didn’t answer the door.
d) The neighbors were in the middle of having hot, passionate sex, and that’s why they didn’t answer the door.
e) The neighbors were actually away from their house visiting another neighbor (they walked and that’s why the car was in the drive) and that’s why they didn’t answer the door.
Or, you could decide, more zen-like in nature, that
f) The neighbors didn’t answer the door because they didn’t answer the door! (This is the same as consciously assigning no meaning to the event.)

Each of the above reasons (with the exception of the last) has a meaning. What we generally do as humans, is assign the meaning that means something negative about us…..in this case, something like example a or b above. You won’t really know why the neighbors didn’t answer the door until you have a chance to relate the story and ask them why they didn’t answer the door. And, notice how quickly you make up your meaning about the events in your life. It happens so quickly, that unless someone else makes us conscious of it, we rarely even recognize that we’re engaging in this activity.

So, now that you’re conscious : - ) my request is that you start noticing in your life where you give meaning to what previously had no meaning. It really didn’t. It only became significant because you said that it was significant. It only became cause for concern because you put that concern into the meaning. Maybe it was necessary. Maybe it wasn’t. My request is that you play with this. When you reflect back on your day, look at the meaning you gave to the different events of your day. Then, look at whether or not you would have acted/reacted any differently if you had not given the event the significance you did. See if there’s an area of freedom for you in this discovery.

Stories – Part I

2009-08-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

I first became aware of how much we rely on our own made-up stories about how life is, how we are, and how others are in 1994. Since that time, I’ve been fascinated in my observations of myself and others, seeing this truth unfold before my eyes time and again.

My father is very good at making up stories. I remember as a young person riding along in the car on a family trip when we would, at some point in the journey, cross the path of where an earlier accident had occurred. My father, with sheer believability, would proceed to tell the family what had happened there and who was at fault. The accident might have happened hours earlier but he sounded convinced of all the facts.

While we’ve joked about my father’s habit of “telling stories” within our family, the truth of the matter is that he’s no different in his habit than the rest of us. The stories we make up may not go that far but the facts are, nevertheless, convincingly made up by our minds and we firmly believe them.

A made-up demonstration here would be in order. :-) Marcy had always avoided being in a group of more than four people, including herself. She said that it gave her anxiety. When asked why this was, she contemplatively thought for a few minutes, and then said, as if newly discovered, that she avoided larger groups of people because her mother always had. When asked why her mother exhibited this behavior, Marcy again sat silent in thought. She then said that she supposed it was because her father was a jealous man and didn’t like seeing her mother talking to too many people. When asked where her father’s jealousy came from, she reported that he was just like his father in that way. To delve further, she was asked from where her grandfather’s jealousy stemmed. She said she believed it was because her grandmother was very flirtatious. When asked from where her grandmother’s flirtatious behavior came, she said that she supposed it was from her Argentinean background.

Without taking you farther down this trail, you can readily see where this is going. In logic, if a = b, and if b = c, then a = c. So, logically speaking, Marcy had anxiety in groups of more than four people because her paternal grandmother was Argentinean! That makes perfect sense…….no?

The truth is we make up reasons for everything and everyone. We say that our boss is too particular because we think he has an Obsessive-Compulsive disorder. We say that the neighbor’s child leaves his toys all over the yard because we think he has Attention-Deficit Hyperactive disorder. We say that we’re afraid of the dark because our parents always turned on a night-light in our bedrooms as children. We make up stories for the way we behave, and more importantly, for the ways that others are without really bothering to know them or ask them.

Shortly after learning about how we make up stories, my sister and I were traveling home together (we lived in the same city at the time). We were in the airport waiting at our departure gate for our plane to arrive. My sister, who is an avid people-watcher, would poke me to get my attention and then whisper, telling me about the relational connections between others at our gate. Her observations all seemed to logically fit, but of course neither she nor I knew any of these people or anything about them. So, while we could assume all that we wanted, we never truly knew who they were or how they related to one another.

What stories have you made up about the people in your life? Have you made up stories about why people avoid you or why people don’t take you seriously? Have you made up a story that your boss or a co-worker is out to get you? Maybe you’ve made up a story that you’re too old to do X, or you’re don’t have the needed personality to participate in something.

I’m not saying that you haven’t found the evidence you need to back up your story. In fact, I’m quite sure that you have! Remember, we always find the evidence that supports what we are looking to prove. Once we’ve determined how something is, we will always find the evidence necessary to support our case.

What would happen now if you gave up those stories? Could you even give up the stories you’ve made up about yourself? Would that give you greater freedom to be with others? Would your boss or co-worker now have a chance at making things work with you? I invite you to give up your stories and see.

Trying vs. Doing

2009-08-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

A friend once told me that the definition of trying was “failing with honor.” That definition has stuck with me for the last few years. In fact, it was probably “stuck in my craw” for at least a few of those months! I had used the words “I’ll try” in conversation with many friends and in most of my professional life. That always meant that I would give it my best…….at least that’s what it meant to me.

It didn’t occur to me that I really wasn’t giving it my best when I was just trying. I wasn’t as profoundly related to my word then as I am now. In earlier years, I felt that the best I could do was to try. If it didn’t work out or I wasn’t able to accomplish that which I’d tried, I could simply tell the person that I gave it my all and I could walk away from that person and situation with my integrity left intact; at least that’s what I thought then.

I’ve now come to understand that if we are really going to give our full intention to doing something, then we can promise that we’ll do it. Think about the difference in intensity that you give to doing something that you’ve told someone you’ll try to do versus that which you’ve promised to do. If you’re like most, when you give your word to another in the form of a promise, you do everything within your power to ensure that you meet your word. And, if you see that you can’t keep your promise, you communicate that to the person to whom you made the promise.

You may now be thinking “why does it matter if I promise vs. say ‘I’ll try’?” It may make no difference for you at all. It really comes down to a matter of how you value your word. If you’re a person who’s about creating your life, then you will want to weigh carefully the words that come out of your mouth and their meanings.

Once we understand that what we think and speak is literally creating our worlds, we become differently related to our words. We want to create lives of meaning and value and we understand that life and death are truly held in the tongue. What we speak suddenly has more weight with us because we understand the value of our words. And because we understand their value, we begin to listen to ourselves differently. We actually begin to listen to what we say and how we speak. We begin to listen to how we respond to others. All of a sudden, we begin to catch ourselves using phrases or words that we really don’t mean and we consciously begin to avoid saying those things anymore. We even catch ourselves eluding others by inferring our agreement with things they say.

With all of that said, you may still be thinking “but I can say ‘I’ll try’ and I can honor that as my word, like a promise.” And, if that’s you, there’s nothing wrong with that. That doesn’t work for me but it doesn’t mean that it can’t work for others. The reason promising has become important to me is because when I give my word in the form of a promise, it strikes a certain tone within me. It makes me be more conscientious of that which I’m promising. And it stays at the forefront of my memory until I fulfill on that promise. Promising, for me, carries more weight than simply saying “I’ll try.”

There’s a saying that “we do better as we know better.” That simply means that we can’t do that which we haven’t yet learned or been educated about. Learning, and esteeming the power that’s held in a promise, is now something that we all share in common. And, if you can’t fulfill on your promise, you simply can’t fulfill on your promise. That doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t mean that you’re incapable. It simply means that you weren’t able to fulfill that promise – just as you wouldn’t have been able to make it work out if you had said, “I’ll try.”

Living in Possibility

2009-08-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

You’re probably familiar with the phrase “anything’s possible.” Many of us have said it at one time or another – using it as a nifty catch-phrase. And yet, the irony of that phrase is that we don’t live our lives as if anything were possible. In fact, you and I live our lives by taking as much possibility out of every circumstance that we can. One might even say that we’re “possibility killers.”

We don’t seem to like the unknown. In fact, we seem to fear it. So, rather than creating our lives newly all of the time, we measure others in order to “know” exactly how they will respond to any request that we make of them. We seem to gravitate toward the predictable. And when things aren’t predictable, we tend to steer clear of them as much as possible. In fact, I would assert that most of us would rather live in hope than in faith.

The state of hope is the knowing that there is the possibility of achieving what we want, but believing, that we will most likely never attain that thing unless some source, external to ourselves, swoops in and makes it happen for us. The state of belief is the knowing that, rather than having our lives be given to us by external circumstances, we create the lives that we live – both by our beliefs and by our actions. You see, hope was only ever meant to get us to the state of faith – as an intermediary position. It was never meant to be our destination. And yet, that’s where most people spend their lives!

But, if we want to live our lives as created lives, then we must move away from hope into belief, and we must abandon our fear of the unknown. When we live in faith, we open ourselves up to the possibility that what we believe will happen, will happen. And, when we live in the possibility created by our faith, we create the space for unknown events to take place in our lives. These events are necessary to bring our beliefs to fruition. But if we don’t live in faith, then we can’t live in possibility, and that suppresses the manifestation of those things which we desire.

How would your life look differently if you lived every day as if anything where possible? What if you believed that something new and exciting was going to happen to you each day? What if you got out of bed each morning, and as you prepared yourself for the day, you started to brim with excitement – because of your expectations of what that day would bring? Would the possibility of living the life that you created, be enough possibility to get you to step over into possibility each day?

Acceptance

2009-08-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write my blog today on the art of acceptance. And, I’m going to use the term, “acceptance,” a bit differently from how we normally think of it – but no differently from its actual definition.

Using the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, we see that acceptance is defined as: "1: an agreeing either expressly or by conduct to the act or offer of another so that a contract is concluded and the parties become legally bound 2: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable 3: the act of accepting.” I’m going to use acceptance mostly in terms of the 3rd definition above (and somewhat from the 2nd definition), and not use the 1st definition as it defines acceptance in contractual instances.

So, in this blog, we will use acceptance as simply, “the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable” and “the act of accepting.”

What Acceptance Is

Acceptance is the beginning of love. Why? Because in order to accept another, love must first be present for you. Most of us don’t live that way. We generally and easily accept others who are like us – that is to say, who are like-minded (e.g. who think like us and see the world as we do). But that isn’t really acceptance. That’s simply agreement. It’s easy to accept another when you agree with their philosophies. It’s a more challenging thing to accept others when you don’t agree with them.

Some believe that when they don’t agree, love should tolerate others. No, no one wants to be simply tolerated. We all long to be accepted. And, love doesn’t tolerate. “It [love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Cor. 13:7 (NIV)

But why, if acceptance is the beginning of love, is it not love? Acceptance only goes as far as you are willing to go. Once the acceptance of another ends, your love for that person also ends. In my eyes, acceptance has a symbiotic relationship with unconditional love. One cannot be present without the other.

What Acceptance Isn’t

Here is where we get rid of the old misinterpretations of acceptance.

Acceptance isn’t: agreeing with another person, condoning the actions or speech of another, or even giving another unrestricted access to you and your time. Acceptance isn’t giving another full-reign to walk all over you. Acceptance isn’t allowing others to take advantage of you. And, acceptance isn’t doing something for another simply because you see a need present.

My definition of acceptance is: “accepting another exactly as he is, and exactly as he isn’t.” Acceptance doesn’t require another person to change in order for that person to receive your love. Acceptance doesn’t require another to live by your rules and standards in order to receive love – that’s the definition of “conditional love.” And, conditional love, is at the root of all codependency.

Just as I’ve written the last several days, this is your choice and I’m not going to judge you for the choices you make. My job is to accept and love you exactly as you are, and exactly as you aren’t. Just understand that there are consequences to all of your actions. If you choose to accept another, there are consequences. And, if you choose not to accept another, there are consequences. Those consequences may be positive, negative, or both. You must make your own decisions about accepting others and be prepared to live with the consequences of your choices.

Relationship

2009-08-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

If you happened to read my blogs from the month of July, you probably noted that I believe we are all connected. I believe in the theory of a monistic universe – which is to say that everything is made of one substance (namely, energy). Because we are connected to everyone and everything, that brings us to the topic of relationship.

If I were to ask you who you are in relationship with, you would probably list for me the names of family members, friends, and maybe some co-workers. Your list most likely would not contain the names of the dry-cleaning attendant whom you regularly see, the cashier who continually assists you at the grocery store where you go, your yoga instructor, your neighbors, or the person behind the desk at the gym you attend.

Yet you see each of these people regularly – possibly on a more regular basis than you do members of your own family or friends who don’t live nearby. Why is it that we believe these people do not qualify as people with whom we have a relationship? Does a relationship require a certain type of communication to be present or a familial bond? I’m going to make a bold assertion here and assert that we are in relationship with everyone. That’s right – I said “everyone!” Let me explain.

Have you ever experienced a falling-out with a friend? Maybe you got into a heated argument or one person betrayed the other’s confidence and you decided that the friendship wasn’t worth keeping? We usually term that as falling-out of relationship, or quitting or severing the relationship. And, yet, if you look closely enough, you will see that you are still in relationship with that person. It’s no longer a relationship where you see or talk to each other every day. It may not even be that you talk to each other at all. But, I’m asserting that that is still a relationship. Your relationship has taken on a different form – one in which both parties actively avoid one another. In fundamental terms – that’s a relationship.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines relationship as: “1: the state of being related or interrelated.” Simply broken down to it’s most finite level, if you are introduced into a gathering of people, and your ex-friend is there, simply by you being present (“cause”), your friend avoids you (“effect”). There you have it – a cause-and-effect relationship! It may not be workable but it is a relationship nonetheless.

I choose the above definition of relationship because it gives me a broader access to those around me. When I believed I had no relationship with many of the people I came into contact with on a daily or weekly basis, I found it difficult to start a conversation or sometimes to even offer a friendly greeting. When I chose the above definition of relationship, I saw that I was in relationship with everyone in my path. For me, that meant that I now had access to the neighbors I had been avoiding meeting or people I hadn’t bothered speaking to before because of my insecurities.

Understand that this isn’t the truth about relationship. It’s just a point of view – a definition that one can use; one that, for me, opens a greater access to those around me. It’s not necessary for you to embrace or believe this definition. But my request is that you simply try it on and see if it works for you or not. If it works for you, it will provide you with greater workability in relating with others, a sense of relatedness, and a stronger sense of community.

Toxic People

2009-08-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I wrote about taking offense. I know that’s not the customary phrasing that we use. We prefer something like, “I was offended by” because that makes it sound like we have no responsibility in the matter – as if the other person were solely responsible. Most of us would probably like for that to be the case but it’s not. If you’re offended, it’s because you chose to take offense. I’m not judging here. I’m not saying that you were in the right or the wrong to take offense. But I am saying that you need to take responsibility for your decisions, and, if you were offended, it’s because you chose to be.

Yesterday’s blog ended up with the examination of whether or not you should keep someone, with whom you constantly take offense, in your life. This is a pretty big question to explore – the outcome of which has far-reaching ramifications. If you find that you are constantly taking offense with another, and you have worked through the questions I provided in the previous blog, then it would be in your best interest to really examine who this person is for you.

Is s/he someone who currently has a significant role in my life? If I sever ties with this person, what kind of fall-out will I be facing? How do I feel when I’m around this person? Was there ever a time when I felt differently around him/her? If so, what caused the change and when did the change occur? If things could go back to the way they were, would I be willing to remain in the relationship?

After you’ve examined who the person is for you, I request that you look again at how you feel around the other person. (I’m not saying that feelings are everything or that they are always of significance – but I want you to examine your feelings more so as your perceptions around this individual.)

You see, we have within us the ability to read energy-fields that are emitted by others. Have you ever been walking or driving in an unfamiliar place of a city, possibly at night, and when you turned onto a particular block you felt your hair stand on end? Maybe you walked past a person or a group of people and you had a sensation of fear come over you – or maybe just a chilly or cold sensation. Those are our energy preceptors . It’s like a built-in radar early-warning system for humans. If we are sensitive, we can actually get an overall feel for a city or town that we drive through. We can determine if a person we’ve just met is someone who would be good for us or someone to be avoided.

You may have noticed this same sensitivity when, after speaking with someone, you felt completely drained of energy. This is a different type of person – an energy vampire if you will. This type of person drains the energy out of everyone with whom s/he comes into contact. Spending unconstructive time with a person like this will leave you completely drained and void of energy. And, as you are responsible for your body, your emotions, and your health, it is your responsibility to avoid people who drain you of your energy. It’s not productive for either of you.

So are there really toxic people? Yes, I believe that there are. There are people who drain our energy, those who leave us feeling badly, and people who seem to inherently need drama in their lives – so much so, that they create drama when drama isn’t present. These people have the ability to change. And, it’s not our responsibility to change them. We are responsible for our bodies, our minds, our souls. And, we are responsible to keep ourselves around others who lift us up, who make us feel good about ourselves, and people who energize us.

So, yes, there are toxic people. There are energy vampires. And there are genuinely good people. Remember I wrote yesterday that there are always consequences to our actions? If you choose to sever your ties with someone, there will be consequences and if you choose to remain in contact with that person, there will be consequences. The consequences could be positive or negative. Only you know what is right for you. But you do have an obligation to take actions that have positive consequences, or outcomes, for you and your life.

Taking Offense

2009-08-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

As you undoubtedly participate in this thing we call “being human”, you have had, during any given day or week, numerous chances to take offense at things that others have said or done. Others invade our space, say things to us that we believe to be inappropriate, and take actions in areas that we feel weren’t within their realm of authority. Others overlook us for certain tasks or we feel that they take advantage of our good natures in their requests of us. Others don’t esteem us highly enough or they don’t show the respect we think we deserve. The list of offenses goes on and on….

Why do you think it is that there seems to be an endless barrage of things that irritate us? When I find myself stuck in a situation, and I’m not sure what’s at the cause of a seemingly continuous pattern, one of the very first litmus tests I conduct is this: I ask myself, “What do each of these situations have in common?” This opens me up to be in the inquiry of the cause and allows me to be present to the possibility that anything could show up. (The reason this is important is because we often hide the truth from ourselves. Being fully present in the inquiry allows us to see what may be currently hidden from our sight.)

After asking yourself “what each of the situations has in common,” if you find that the common element is you, then you must be willing to look more deeply into why it is that you become offended so easily. While you continue in that inquiry, there are a series of questions you might ask yourself the next time you are offended. These questions are listed in the following paragraphs.

The next time you want to be offended/take offense at someone (and trust me, there will be a next time), I request that you stop and ask yourself this question, “Do I need to be offended?” Just asking yourself that question will allow you to be in the inquiry of whether or not you really need to be offended and for what purpose. This will allow you a freer platform to examine that which has happened and will allow you to determine whether it’s worth being upset or not.

I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t be offended. There are consequences to either choice. There is a great deal of energy that you will continually expend if you choose to continue in your upset. If you are able to give up being offended, you will find that peace and love are present for you and you will be able to engage your mind in things that might better serve you. You may feel at this point that you want to remain offended. If so, just be aware that whatever choice you make will have its consequences. The consequences may be negative or the consequences may be positive. But, there are always consequences to any of our actions.

If you find that there is the need to be offended, then I request that you stop and ask yourself this next question (phrased three different ways but with the same intent), “What will I get out of it? What will I get out of taking offense at this person? What will being offended provide to me?”

After you’ve been in that inquiry, if you find that being offended will provide you with the feelings that you want, and therefore you have chosen to be offended and you know what taking offense is going to provide for you, then I have a final request of you. (I have this same request for those who in their earlier inquiry of: “What does each situation have in common”, found that there is really only one person who continually offends them.)

For this last question, I am requesting that you sit down and take the time to really contemplate the answer. And ask yourself this question: “Do, I really want to continue in a relationship with this person?”

Now, that may sound harsh. But listen to what I’m saying. If you’ve already looked at the questions above, and you’ve decided that this offense cannot go by without some type of retaliation or vengeance or you carrying hurt in your heart, and you’ve already determined that having that retaliation / taking offense / being offended is really worth whatever it will cost you, then I’m asserting that you really need to examine who this person is for you and determine whether you really need (or want) him or her in your life.

To be continued in tomorrow’s blog: “Toxic People.”